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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How would you rephrase this; ''Your dad didn't want me to keep you''

27 replies

poshsinglemum · 09/08/2010 17:28

DD is far too young to know about all this stuff yet but in the future she will want to know the truth.
The actual truth is that her dad wanted me to get an abortion. He wants her now (apparently) but is stuck in Iran and can't get out of the country (apparently)
I could never tell her the whole truth as it would break her heart so what can I stay instead? How can I prevent her from finding out when she's a lot older?

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 17:29

Never, ever allude to it. Seriously. Whatever a twat he has been to you in the past (sorrym I don't know your story) there is no need to say to your child that her father once wanted to abort her.

PosieParker · 09/08/2010 17:29

Why would you EVER need to tell her? She may not find out, just leave it.

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 17:31

No, I cannot imagine she would find out.

If her father is stupid enough to be so honest, well you will have to deal with it then. However I cannot imagine that he would (unless he is mad/cruel) and certainly don't think YOU should ever bring it up. Out of revenge or some misguided sense of honesty.

PosieParker · 09/08/2010 17:36

Some parents (not you OP) do have a weird 'tell my children everything' under the guise of being a good parent.

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/08/2010 17:40

I would never tell my child that.My ex was violent/abusive during our relationship and i hope they never find out all the details.Some things are best left unsaid.If your ex is a waste of space your dd will figure it out for her self once she is old enough.

Original poster

poshsinglemum · 09/08/2010 17:40

Of course I would never tell her. I'm not a bitch. More to the point; how do I prevent her from putting two and two together. What do I tell her instead? I think I'm going down the route of we fell out of love and it's better for us to live apart.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 17:44

No didn't think you were a bitch posh - but your OP could be misconstrued.

FWIW my dd's father buggered off when dd was 3 months old, and he hasn't seen her since she was 5. She is 14 now. I explain it making up a load of old tosh (which sticks in my throat to be honest) about he was just not ready to have a child, he did love her but the responsibility was too overwhelming, am sure he still thinks of her etc etc.

The truth (which was he met another woman, and as soon as he had a nother baby he just wanted to spend time with his 'real' family) is just too bloody hurtful to say. DD isn't daft, she has worked out the truth anyway. The only thing you can do is be there, which i am sure you are.

It's shite,though, isn't it.

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/08/2010 17:44

Yes i just tell my ds's that mummy and daddy are friends but we dont love each other any more and made each other sad and now we are happy as friends.It far from the truth as i cant stand him but like i said in their own time they will discover exactly what he is like and i doubt i will have to do any explaining at all.

ValiumSingleton · 09/08/2010 17:44

i doubt he would ever have the nerve to say that to her face. As the years go by he'll accept the way things are, what he once saw as a 'mistake' will become a person, and hopefully first and foremost his daughter.

I agree with the others, and I can really sympathise. My x tried to strangle me! But that wasn't the worst of life with him (very abusive).

I don't think I will try to put forward my side to them, I have boiled it down and boiled it down to just this. (If they ever ask me to explain why I left and took them) 'I was very unhappy living with your father'. That can't be argued with. Well, my x will argue with it! But I'm not going to get in to it. If he slags me off and I say nothing, he'll look like the mad one.

BeauticianNotMagician · 09/08/2010 17:46

I didnt think you were a bitch either

knickers0nmyhead · 09/08/2010 18:23

Never.

DuelingFanjo · 09/08/2010 18:25

I wouldn't tell the child anything of the sort!

Greensleeves · 09/08/2010 18:25

I know my mother didn't want me

she had an abortion just before I was conceived

I think they decided to keep me as a sort of Elastoplast solution to their marriage (which finally broke up when I was 4)

I've known all my life that I was a bit of an anomaly in the family and I have always felt like one tbh

Don't tell your dd this unless you think he is going to use it to hurt her.

whiteandnerdy · 09/08/2010 18:29

Yeah, my fantastic Ex told the kids I wanted them aborted. And it's true, I was still a student doing a PhD, never done a days work with not a penny to my name. She was at the time unemployed living in a big orrible council block with her DS from her first marage who I'd never met. Our relationship was so on off we'd split up and get back together on a monthy basis. So I said that I didn't think it was a good idea to have the child but that it was quite literally out of my hands but I'd support her in whichever decision she made.

So anyway she's told the kids that I didn't want them, but I simply tell the truth. It's not I didn't want them, it's the fact that I thought it was the wrong time to have them.

They haven't dwelt on it so I think there's no harm done. However, unless your as dumb as my ex in wanting to undermine the releationship between them and their farther I suggest you don't tell them. I think the choice between when and if you have a child, and the relationship you have with a child are two totally different things, but this is real adult concepts best kept away from children.

gillybean2 · 10/08/2010 07:55

Yes my ex wanted me to get rid of too. Tried to persuade me that we may have a chance together if I got rid of. In reality I knew that if I did I would resent him the rest of my life. Told him when we first got together what my views on abortion were and that I'd never do it, but still found myself sitting at the doctors saying no i don't want to do this. Fortunately I managed to walk out saying no still.

I tell my ds that his 'father' wasn't ready to be a dad yet. He vanished off while I was still pregnant pretty much saying that.

Ds sometimes asks why his dad doesn't like him and did he do something wrong. And I say that how could he not like him when he's never met him. And that I love him very much and so do his grammy and grandma and grandpa.

Chil1234 · 10/08/2010 10:19

Unless someone in the family is acting maliciously then your DD will never find out that one of her parents wanted her to be aborted. Having said that, I don't think you are obliged to say nice things about her father if he's not a nice man. It would be honest to say that he abandoned you both because he didn't want any children. Too many children grow up with some misguided idealised image of the absent parent and I don't think that does them any favours.

BarmyArmy · 10/08/2010 11:10

Chil1234 - "abandoned" is an emotive and judgemental word that is laced with the prejudices of the person using it.

Surely it would be better to try and use neutral language, in order that the child has a better chance of coming to their own conclusions with regard to the father?

BarmyArmy · 10/08/2010 11:12

Moreover, too many children grow up with some misguided, negative image of the absent parents and I don't think that does them any favours either.

thumbwitch · 10/08/2010 11:19

I think probably telling her that her father wasn't ready to be a Dad and still hasn't managed to deal with being one is probably a better way to deal with it - certainly wouldn't be telling her that he wanted you to abort her.

Is there any real risk that anyone else would be so cruel as to say that to her?

SupermumB · 10/08/2010 17:06

I'm currently 37 wks pregnant with my ex's second child. The first he loves to bits (although we ain't together, violence etc and he doesn't pay CM for her) the unborn baby he actually threatened the "kick out" of me when I refuseed to have a termination.

Now, there is no way on gods earth would I ever tell my child what his fathers views were on him when I first found out I was pregnant. He has changed his view now but I would never, ever be able to look at him again in the same way because of what he has said.

I tell myself that I am not rasing fools. My children will see their father for what he is when they are older. Until then I keep my mouth shut and encourage a healthy, happy, loving relationship with their father. I can't stand the prick but my love for my children is far far stronger them my hate for him.

Chirpey · 11/08/2010 21:46

Good on ya supermumB you seem to have a good view on things and not only will your children see their father for who he is your attitude at the moment gives him the chance to turn things around and also for your children will make them strong and discerning people. Keep your love strong.

stagnantwater · 11/08/2010 21:49

I have a very close relationship with my mother, who raised me alone. She told me once that my father had also demanded that she had an abortion when she was pregnant with me. It wasn't out of spite, but I had made contact with my father when I was an adult and she could see that he was trying to exploit me (which became clear later on).

I had never known my father but I now know his character as I found out he is responsible for some well-known crimes locally. And in fact I'm glad my mother told me, because it completely justifies why she left him and it showed me what a strong woman she was, and how devoted she was to me, to escape from that kind of environment. I can't imagine what it would have been like to deal with all of that with all her pregnancy hormones and I admire her for it.

I'm also enough of an adult to know that the wish wasn't directed at me as a baby, because I hadn't even been born or developed any personality yet. Personally I'm glad that she did tell me. I could have taken a big risk in trusting him, and I would have felt a fool to continue believing that he was a nice person deep down when all the evidence shows that he clearly isn't (this is based on what court cases and other friends have said, not a biased view from my mother).

hairytriangle · 12/08/2010 21:21

I have a grown up dsd who was two when I met her father and she can't remember her parents as a couple. We are really close and she's always lived with her mum but lots and lots of contact with us.

She was genuinely shocked at about four to find out that her parents were once a couple lol and was curious.

Her dad explained that once , her mum and dad were best friends, but now they are just ordinary friends and him and I were now best friends and her mum and dear stepFDAd were now best friends.

She was perfectly happy (after a few questions about where her step dad and I were when her parents were married! ).

When her mum got pregnant her dad did not want a baby

She's never asked anything since and we've fortunately been able to keep things amicable among the four if us in the parental role fir her sake and always pulled together.

Me and her dad split last yr but she and I have remained v close. She's very well adjusted and I'm still in regular touch with her mum . Me and her dad are nit on good terms but she knows we all love her and have her best interest at heart.

Her mum and dad have not always been on good terms in fact he hated her at one point.

Hope this goes to show complicated circumstances don't need to mean problems for the child

Cazbaby1 · 12/08/2010 21:22

My SD maternal grandmother has told her that her paternal grandparents wanted her mum to have an abortion
This was not really the case, mum and dad were very young and it was mentioned as a possible option, not something that was tried to be forced upon them. It has been twisted due to the two families not getting on.
It has caused a lot of problems and SD has said that felt that she wasn't wanted by them and that her grandparents think she ruined their son's life by being born . It has really affect her relationship with them, despite reassurances.
So personally I don't think it is something that she should ever be told about. You can discuss that he wasn't supportive etc when she is much older if you feel it is the right thing to do but without saying about him wanting an abortion.
Obviously I don't know the circumstances, but as pp said it is a completely different thing talking of an abortion before you can see the actual child (not saying its right in any way but different)

Meglet · 12/08/2010 21:25

My XP knows he was a mistake and his idiot parents have made him feel like shit about it.

Never ever ever ever let your DD know. If your XP decides to say something wanky and imply that he didn't want her then you have to be there for her and you can both turn your back on him forever.

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