How not to give up on your not so bright kid?

[MsWhatever]

Hi there...
I’m feeling completely lost atm.
My DS (8yo) really struggles at school to put it mildly. He does try to understand things but he just can’t. I can’t help think is just not a bright kid.
The issue with that is I don’t really know what to do.
I’m growing frustrated with this situation specially when I pounder how much I have given up because of motherhood. All the career opportunities I missed, social life, etc etc and then, boom, my kid is dumb as a rock.
Part of me now feels any time spent with him is a waste of my time and perhaps he can do just fine in a sub-par job when he grows up.
I am not sure I should continue spending tons of money with tutoring and keep missing job opportunities so I can help him with school if he is just not talented.
With all honestly, I am completely regretting motherhood atm.
Sorry if it sounds harsh.
I do love DS lots.

[MsWhatever]

Thank you again!

I will try to get him properly assessed for dyslexia. I could not find a proper professional to do it. I was relying on the school/NHS, but perhaps I should pursue a private assessment.

And let’s all calm down people! I would never ever tell DS down. I am the first one to cheer him up and tell him to believe in himself when he comes home from school after being laughed at because of his poor writing skills.

All I want from him is to be a self sufficient happy adult.

[Allington]

It sounds like you need more for you in your life - your son's role is not to validate you.

^^ this

If you are not happy with having given up your career to spend time with your son no matter what he acheives then go back to work and stand or fail for yourself, rather than judging him for being himself

[Ohalrightthen]

@MsWhatever

Thank you again!

I will try to get him properly assessed for dyslexia. I could not find a proper professional to do it. I was relying on the school/NHS, but perhaps I should pursue a private assessment.

And let’s all calm down people! I would never ever tell DS down. I am the first one to cheer him up and tell him to believe in himself when he comes home from school after being laughed at because of his poor writing skills.

All I want from him is to be a self sufficient happy adult.

You're being very naive if you think he hasn't picked up on the way you think of him. You might think he's dumb as a rock, but children are intuitive, and he more than likely knows you think he's stupid.

[Schoolhouse123]

This is so sad.
Parents should give their dc every opportunity they can to maximise their potential (whatever that may be).
One of mine has learning disabilities and actually if I'm honest I've put more effort into achieving potential than the others whom are naturally gifted. I've also had to fight the education system for what they were entitled to.
With my dc who has learning difficulties it was about finding the best ways in which to learn. I found that watching videos, reading comic strips rather than text and practical experience was the way to go. Dc has passed all gcses (school had written dc off and said wouldn't pass any). Not everyone is going to be a high flyer doesn't mean they don't deserve to reach their potential - whatever that may be.

[Bluntness100]

Goodness op.he’s only eight.

😱

[OppsUpsSide]

Not all children are going to exceed at school, I don’t think there is anything wrong with recognising that I sometimes wonder at parents who spend so much on tutors for their DC’s SATS etc, why??
Not knowing what a fronted adverbial is, or how to use a semi-colon, or all his times tables, or how to multiply fractions is unlikely to cause him to have a woeful life. I should think there are a lot of successful adults reading this thread who would also struggle with these things.

[Hailtomyteeth]

You dislike your own child because he isn't intelligent enough for you.

Makes me angry, lady. Really angry. And how clever are you, eh?

Clever enough to look at your own child, listen to him, find what is good and loving in him and cherish it? Discover what he's good at, what he wants to know, how he learns best? Clearly not.

Get therapy for him and for you, give him a fighting chance.

You'd never tell him? He knows. It's in your eyes. It's in every interaction. Dear God. Go to your child and love him with all your heart.

[OppsUpsSide]

You dislike your own child because he isn't intelligent enough for you. Makes me angry, lady. Really angry.

You will find you feel less angry if you stop making up random shit. Try that.

[NavyFlask]

Keep on boosting him. He doesn't need to read or write to have his vocabulary broadened- you can do that just by speaking with him and chatting about stuff.
When he finds his thing, he will thrive.

[Bluntness100]

@OppsUpsSide

You dislike your own child because he isn't intelligent enough for you. Makes me angry, lady. Really angry.

You will find you feel less angry if you stop making up random shit. Try that.

What are you talking about? The opening post is horrible. Beyond horrible. I can’t imagine writing such a thing about any child, never mind my own.

She tells us he’s thick as a rock, dumb, that she regrets mother hood and how she’s given up so much for him and this is what she got. He’s eight years old. It’s bloody abusive.

And quite frankly she doesn’t come across as particularly smart either, so I’m not sure she’s in a position to slag her own child off for it.

[OppsUpsSide]

She did not say she dislikes him because he is not clever enough for her.

[BlingLoving]

And let’s all calm down people! I would never ever tell DS down. I am the first one to cheer him up and tell him to believe in himself when he comes home from school after being laughed at because of his poor writing skills.

I would also suggest you speak to the school. Because they should be supporting him and watching out for this sort of thing. I can assure you that while some of this may well happen at DS' school, it's stamped on very quickly when it comes up.

[glassacorn]

Sounds like you're working with a fixed, rather than growth mindset.
Have any of his tutors or teachers raised concerns about learning difficulties?

[NewYearNewLockdown]

Fgs this isn't aibu, can we all calm down.
Op is exasperated, that's all, it doesn't mean she's abusive or doesn't love her DS for goodness sake.

Op definitely get him assessed by an educational psychologist and take it from there. There's plenty of time, he's only 8.

[MrsHugsxx]

Why have a child in the first place if you're not understanding of the fact that you don't get to choose how they turn out? I get your frustration when you're trying to teach them something and they don't get it however many ways you try, but you make it sound as though he's not worth your time and love. My own child has special needs but never would I think she's not worth my time or regret the things I've given up for her. She's my daughter so I don't think those things about her.

[Housing101]

I am dyslexic.
I struggled at school. Particularly primary school. It took a lot longer to pick things up because I was not taught in a way that made any sense to my dyslexic brain.
It is a different way of learning and it took a while to figure out what worked.

Anyway, I caught up in my own time.
I did much better than average at GCSE level. Got 3 decent A levels. On to Uni.... did fine, got a 2:1.

I am not academic and at 8 I guess I would have been in the struggling situation your DS is in. But my life if not worthless, or rubbish or 'below average'.
I own a lovely house in a nice area, a 'clever' DH and 2 beautiful kids.

There's more to life than how academic you are aged 8. And you should be supporting, encouraging and trying your absolute hardest for your young one.
School should be offering additional support too. But for now you should be having a stern word with yourself!!

[MsWhatever]

@Hailtomyteeth

You dislike your own child because he isn't intelligent enough for you.

Makes me angry, lady. Really angry. And how clever are you, eh?

Clever enough to look at your own child, listen to him, find what is good and loving in him and cherish it? Discover what he's good at, what he wants to know, how he learns best? Clearly not.

Get therapy for him and for you, give him a fighting chance.

You'd never tell him? He knows. It's in your eyes. It's in every interaction. Dear God. Go to your child and love him with all your heart.

I’ve never said I don’t love my son.
I love him dearly with all my heart.
That is completely separated from the topic.

This is about how to manage a kid who is not a bright one (and agree, not everyone will be and that’s fine) and how to help him in a useful way and not insist in something that he is obviously not good at.

I have never said my kid is not worthy. Or anything like that...

People are putting their own thoughts and emotions on this.

[TramaDollface]

Because you’re rating his life’s chances in how he is at 8, that is totally stupid!

Children develop at different rates.
You need to get him assessed and encourage him every step of the way.

And hope that he doesn’t realise that you think he’s as dumb as a rock or whatever you said.

[WhoseThatGirl]

Write a list of his good qualities and see what you can do to nurture those as well as working on the things he struggles with.
Is he strong/brave/energetic - get involved in sport
Creative - art, photography, animation
Kind - charity work, mentoring

My DD is dyslexic but she knows she’s got many many positive attributes.

[Troto]

@OppsUpsSide

You dislike your own child because he isn't intelligent enough for you. Makes me angry, lady. Really angry.

You will find you feel less angry if you stop making up random shit. Try that.

She's not making up random shit.

[Bluntness100]

I have never said my kid is not worthy. Or anything like that...

Really....

All the career opportunities I missed, social life, etc etc and then, boom, my kid is dumb as a rock. Part of me now feels any time spent with him is a waste of my time, and perhaps he can do just fine in a sub-par job when he grows up. I am not sure I should continue spending tons of money with tutoring and keep missing job opportunities so I can help him with school if he is just not talented. With all honestly, I am completely regretting motherhood atm

[OnlyTeaForMe]

This is about how to manage a kid who is not a bright one (and agree, not everyone will be and that’s fine)

Thing is, OP, this is the mindset you need to change.

What is your definition of 'bright' ? Traditionally academic in a school setting in subjects like Maths and English Lit? After years of my DS being labelled as slow, and always winning the prizes for being kind/ smiley/ friendly (i.e. not subject prizes) I was blown away when the EdPsych assessed him and said he was in the top 5% in IQ terms - he just simply didn't have the tools to access it, and school wasn't valuing, measuring and reporting on things he was good at. For example, he has the most astonishing visual processing skills - could "Find Wally" in seconds, does jigsaws ridiculously fast, brilliant at designing/building/creating things with Lego. Also has extremely well-developed senses (sounds smell etc).

Start noticing all the little things your DS is good at - even if they don't seem important to you.
DS used to sit at breakfast and point out where the perspective was wrong on the images on packaging, or where typefaces were badly used, or colours mismatched!

[Allispretty]

Op It must have been hard for you to write that and your clearly needing to vent in a safe space anonymously

Your putting too much pressure on yourself and also have skewed expectations of parenting and what a child should be. Your extremely lucky to be a sahm and that has nothing to do with how he excels academically it's having the luxury of time to spend with him, all the school meetings/plays you can attend with no stress etc.

Instead of paying for tutoring get some additional support from the school (when they open!) And stop thinking that his life will fail if he can't write something eloquently at 8 or recite his TTs! The time he was then spending having to do tutoring spend with him yourself doing something fun and making memories!

My ds hates English but loves maths and art! He has an amazing little creative mind and thinks deeply about things that interest him, he's also very empathetic and this is something I'm incredibly proud of and I know he'll grow up well rounded and an interesting person who's able to have discussions about meaningful things and you know what that matters more to me than him passing a bloody exam!

Think about all his qualities that are going to make him a good person, if you teach him anything then it's kindness and please don't let him see any disappointment from you

[Bluntness100]

Op It must have been hard for you to write that and your clearly needing to vent in a safe space anonymously


You do know this is not a safe space? It’s a forum sith about 16 million members and plenty of media attention?

[bingowingsmcgee]

OP I have two really clever kids and one who has a couple of learning disabilities and struggles to learn anything. It was very tough with her in high school and she needed a lot of tuition to scrape any gcses. She worked so so hard and still couldn't get 5 passes. At the time I was upset for her that she couldn't do a levels alongside her friends, but she took an apprenticeship and absolutely shone because she worked so hard. A lot of the others were lazy. The job was the making of her and now she's studying independently to resit a couple of her gcses so she can be a vet nurse. So I'd say focus on creating good study habits and praising effort and persistence rather than results. He might never get great academic results, but if he learns to work hard and develop his interests, he will find his niche and bloom. Plug away at what he finds hard, and praise praise praise all effort. Tell him you're proud of him for the way he is.