How not to give up on your not so bright kid?

[MsWhatever]

Hi there...
I’m feeling completely lost atm.
My DS (8yo) really struggles at school to put it mildly. He does try to understand things but he just can’t. I can’t help think is just not a bright kid.
The issue with that is I don’t really know what to do.
I’m growing frustrated with this situation specially when I pounder how much I have given up because of motherhood. All the career opportunities I missed, social life, etc etc and then, boom, my kid is dumb as a rock.
Part of me now feels any time spent with him is a waste of my time and perhaps he can do just fine in a sub-par job when he grows up.
I am not sure I should continue spending tons of money with tutoring and keep missing job opportunities so I can help him with school if he is just not talented.
With all honestly, I am completely regretting motherhood atm.
Sorry if it sounds harsh.
I do love DS lots.

[PutBabyInTheCorner]

I'm sorry but your poor life decisions are not your young boy's fault.
Having children does not mean the end of your career or any future opportunities. Maybe you missed out for other reasons and are now shifting the blame?
Just to add I grew up very poor too. It made me determined to work hard and get a decent job which I've maintained since having my 3 kids.
Perhaps as with most children, homeschooling doesn't suit your son and he will do better when he returns to school. I find myself constantly despairing with my kids when they don't do what they've been set by school but I'm not a teacher and don't have the skills or patience.

[yummyeclair]

Just want to thank all the positive PPs on this thread who are totally behind their children no matter how much they are struggling with academic school work. Your children are all very lucky to have the best mums. I have been inspired !

[SemperIdem]

I understand your frustration to an extent, if not how harshly you have described your child, but I appreciate that is borne out of frustration not a lack of love. My child is a couple of years younger than yours, certainly has talents and an affinity for the creative, rather good at maths but behind with reading and no real love for academic learning. I can find it frustrating, it is quite different to my memories of being a voracious, ahead of my class learner at school.

I was academically gifted when young - everything came so easily. I didn’t have to put effort into anything. The reality is I was never instilled with a work ethic because I “didn’t need to”, never learned when young that initial failure does not mean ultimate failure. I was highly pressured to achieve without fail. That does not translate well, or easily, to adulthood.

Whilst I can find my child frustrating sometimes, I try to remind myself they are not me and if I am encouraging and loving, they will turn out all the better for being different to me.

[tatatatatatatatdahhhhhhhhh]

Ha OP I'm dumb as a rock too with no talents. Someone has to loose for someone to win. Managed to get by, I'm really nice and caring. I do sometimes wish I had something wrong with me to explain it, but I'm not that interested in certain things.

[OhAnotherNameChange]

"boom, my kid is dumb as a rock"

Nice 🙄

[BuffyTheBuffetSlayer]

I understand how you feel. I put DS off what I thought were difficult subjects in high school cause he wasnt the best academically. But a mix up with subjects meant he had no choice but take Physics. Turned out he was amazing at it and has just sat his final exam to become a fully qualified electrician. So there is hope

[readingismycardio]

@alltheadrenalin

That was a depressing read. I've no doubt your dumb as a rock child has picked up on your feelings. All children are bright, he might not be academically bright but there will be other areas where he'll shine. Hope he comes across an adult that will help him with that.

Came here to say exactly this 🥲

[OppsUpsSide]

That’s a no then.

[Bluntness100]

@NewYearNewLockdown

Bluntness100 have you got any constructive advice or are you just here to put the boot in?

Like you you mean?

[NewYearNewLockdown]

Bluntness100 have you got any constructive advice or are you just here to put the boot in?

[OppsUpsSide]

Well, she is because at no point has OP said she dislikes her child. She said she loves him.

Just because you think she dislikes her child and that would be a fun thing to be angry about, doesn’t make it true. That’s just you making up shit because... who knows?!

[Bluntness100]

@OppsUpsSide

She's not making up random shit.

Yes, she is. She’s making up random shit and getting angry about.

She’s really not.

[OppsUpsSide]

She's not making up random shit.

Yes, she is. She’s making up random shit and getting angry about.

[bingowingsmcgee]

OP I have two really clever kids and one who has a couple of learning disabilities and struggles to learn anything. It was very tough with her in high school and she needed a lot of tuition to scrape any gcses. She worked so so hard and still couldn't get 5 passes. At the time I was upset for her that she couldn't do a levels alongside her friends, but she took an apprenticeship and absolutely shone because she worked so hard. A lot of the others were lazy. The job was the making of her and now she's studying independently to resit a couple of her gcses so she can be a vet nurse. So I'd say focus on creating good study habits and praising effort and persistence rather than results. He might never get great academic results, but if he learns to work hard and develop his interests, he will find his niche and bloom. Plug away at what he finds hard, and praise praise praise all effort. Tell him you're proud of him for the way he is.

[Bluntness100]

Op It must have been hard for you to write that and your clearly needing to vent in a safe space anonymously


You do know this is not a safe space? It’s a forum sith about 16 million members and plenty of media attention?

[Allispretty]

Op It must have been hard for you to write that and your clearly needing to vent in a safe space anonymously

Your putting too much pressure on yourself and also have skewed expectations of parenting and what a child should be. Your extremely lucky to be a sahm and that has nothing to do with how he excels academically it's having the luxury of time to spend with him, all the school meetings/plays you can attend with no stress etc.

Instead of paying for tutoring get some additional support from the school (when they open!) And stop thinking that his life will fail if he can't write something eloquently at 8 or recite his TTs! The time he was then spending having to do tutoring spend with him yourself doing something fun and making memories!

My ds hates English but loves maths and art! He has an amazing little creative mind and thinks deeply about things that interest him, he's also very empathetic and this is something I'm incredibly proud of and I know he'll grow up well rounded and an interesting person who's able to have discussions about meaningful things and you know what that matters more to me than him passing a bloody exam!

Think about all his qualities that are going to make him a good person, if you teach him anything then it's kindness and please don't let him see any disappointment from you

[OnlyTeaForMe]

This is about how to manage a kid who is not a bright one (and agree, not everyone will be and that’s fine)

Thing is, OP, this is the mindset you need to change.

What is your definition of 'bright' ? Traditionally academic in a school setting in subjects like Maths and English Lit? After years of my DS being labelled as slow, and always winning the prizes for being kind/ smiley/ friendly (i.e. not subject prizes) I was blown away when the EdPsych assessed him and said he was in the top 5% in IQ terms - he just simply didn't have the tools to access it, and school wasn't valuing, measuring and reporting on things he was good at. For example, he has the most astonishing visual processing skills - could "Find Wally" in seconds, does jigsaws ridiculously fast, brilliant at designing/building/creating things with Lego. Also has extremely well-developed senses (sounds smell etc).

Start noticing all the little things your DS is good at - even if they don't seem important to you.
DS used to sit at breakfast and point out where the perspective was wrong on the images on packaging, or where typefaces were badly used, or colours mismatched!

[Bluntness100]

I have never said my kid is not worthy. Or anything like that...

Really....

All the career opportunities I missed, social life, etc etc and then, boom, my kid is dumb as a rock. Part of me now feels any time spent with him is a waste of my time, and perhaps he can do just fine in a sub-par job when he grows up. I am not sure I should continue spending tons of money with tutoring and keep missing job opportunities so I can help him with school if he is just not talented. With all honestly, I am completely regretting motherhood atm

[Troto]

@OppsUpsSide

You dislike your own child because he isn't intelligent enough for you. Makes me angry, lady. Really angry.

You will find you feel less angry if you stop making up random shit. Try that.

She's not making up random shit.

[WhoseThatGirl]

Write a list of his good qualities and see what you can do to nurture those as well as working on the things he struggles with.
Is he strong/brave/energetic - get involved in sport
Creative - art, photography, animation
Kind - charity work, mentoring

My DD is dyslexic but she knows she’s got many many positive attributes.

[TramaDollface]

Because you’re rating his life’s chances in how he is at 8, that is totally stupid!

Children develop at different rates.
You need to get him assessed and encourage him every step of the way.

And hope that he doesn’t realise that you think he’s as dumb as a rock or whatever you said.

[MsWhatever]

@Hailtomyteeth

You dislike your own child because he isn't intelligent enough for you.

Makes me angry, lady. Really angry. And how clever are you, eh?

Clever enough to look at your own child, listen to him, find what is good and loving in him and cherish it? Discover what he's good at, what he wants to know, how he learns best? Clearly not.

Get therapy for him and for you, give him a fighting chance.

You'd never tell him? He knows. It's in your eyes. It's in every interaction. Dear God. Go to your child and love him with all your heart.

I’ve never said I don’t love my son.
I love him dearly with all my heart.
That is completely separated from the topic.

This is about how to manage a kid who is not a bright one (and agree, not everyone will be and that’s fine) and how to help him in a useful way and not insist in something that he is obviously not good at.

I have never said my kid is not worthy. Or anything like that...

People are putting their own thoughts and emotions on this.

[Housing101]

I am dyslexic.
I struggled at school. Particularly primary school. It took a lot longer to pick things up because I was not taught in a way that made any sense to my dyslexic brain.
It is a different way of learning and it took a while to figure out what worked.

Anyway, I caught up in my own time.
I did much better than average at GCSE level. Got 3 decent A levels. On to Uni.... did fine, got a 2:1.

I am not academic and at 8 I guess I would have been in the struggling situation your DS is in. But my life if not worthless, or rubbish or 'below average'.
I own a lovely house in a nice area, a 'clever' DH and 2 beautiful kids.

There's more to life than how academic you are aged 8. And you should be supporting, encouraging and trying your absolute hardest for your young one.
School should be offering additional support too. But for now you should be having a stern word with yourself!!

[MrsHugsxx]

Why have a child in the first place if you're not understanding of the fact that you don't get to choose how they turn out? I get your frustration when you're trying to teach them something and they don't get it however many ways you try, but you make it sound as though he's not worth your time and love. My own child has special needs but never would I think she's not worth my time or regret the things I've given up for her. She's my daughter so I don't think those things about her.