How not to give up on your not so bright kid?

[MsWhatever]

Hi there...
I’m feeling completely lost atm.
My DS (8yo) really struggles at school to put it mildly. He does try to understand things but he just can’t. I can’t help think is just not a bright kid.
The issue with that is I don’t really know what to do.
I’m growing frustrated with this situation specially when I pounder how much I have given up because of motherhood. All the career opportunities I missed, social life, etc etc and then, boom, my kid is dumb as a rock.
Part of me now feels any time spent with him is a waste of my time and perhaps he can do just fine in a sub-par job when he grows up.
I am not sure I should continue spending tons of money with tutoring and keep missing job opportunities so I can help him with school if he is just not talented.
With all honestly, I am completely regretting motherhood atm.
Sorry if it sounds harsh.
I do love DS lots.

[2bazookas]

Poor kid. Nurture versus genetic inheritance, sometimes it's hard to tell which is worse.

[surelynotnever]

Thanks @Onlyteaforme

He has had an EP assessment and he did perform poorly in some areas, short term memory, fluid reasoning, but she felt he just needed more practice that some kids at school and that stress we as a family had been under had affected his ability to learn. But that was over a year ago, and he isn't really improving. He just can't focus or remember stuff.

[BlingLoving]

@OnlyTeaForMe

I think Bling might mean //www.helenarkell.org.uk (not Helen Keller, who I think is an author?)

Your son's school should be your first port of call - they should have a SEN co-ordinator?

Sorry! Yes. Talk about typo fail there!!!

[Branleuse]

you sound really down and dispirited about it all OP. I think if he does have learning difficulties then it can be disheartening, and theres nothing wrong with hoping that he will be able to just get a normal job later. That doesnt mean he wont need or benefit from his education, but when school is back, it will definitely be worth talking to the school senco about whether hes behind and whether they need to call in an ed psych

[zafferana]

I have a dyslexic boy and if you tried to teach him things in the normal way you'd maybe think he wasn't that bright too - mainly because as part of his dyslexia he has poor working memory (so he doesn't remember what he's already learned) and he also has a low processing speed (so he thinks and figures things out slower than lots of other kids). What he isn't though, is stupid. He's actually a bright boy, but his brain works TOTALLY differently than someone with a neuro-typical brain.

Please don't write your DS off OP. Please pursue that dyslexia diagnosis and also have an open mind that it could be another, or more than one learning disability that your boy has. There are ways DC with diverse brains can learn, it just might not be the same way you learned. Open your mind and be kind

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

OP can I (giving you the benefit of the doubt) ask if English is your first language? It may have lost something in translation if not, but otherwise, it's a quite horrible read, and you are evidently not cut out for home-schooling.

[BlingLoving]

@MsWhatever

Thank you for your comments!

DS is a loving and caring young boy. And indeed, we are investigating if he has dyslexia (my mum has and it’s highly likely that he may have it as well).
Perhaps I may have been harsh on my comments, but I am genuinely worried about his future and what will happen to him if he is not good at school.
Perhaps this is the bubble I lived in and how I was raised. I grew up very poor (homestead and shit and school was the what got me out) but all I can think is that he will be hard time earning a living with poor academics. I can’t think of anything he could do with the skills he has as a job in the future.
people may have gotten me wrong on this comment, but I should just “give up” school and focus on other areas like music or arts? unfortunately he is not interest in either. So I am desperate.
I want him to succeed but school seems to be a dead end. And then what?

I’m just trying to be practical

If it is dyslexia, then you need to keep working on getting a diagnosis and support.

Whatever it is, please don't give up completely on academics because whatever he can get increases his opportunities and, importantly, will allow him to have skills he needs.

He's only 8. So there's also still time particularly if it turns out he has some underlying problem that can be supported. He's also still young that other interests may not necessarily be coming to the fore.

There are all kinds of things people who aren't good academically can and do, do. Some ideas just off the top of my head: working in hospitality in any kind of role from customer service to managing large teams. Carpenter/electrician/quantity surveyor etc. Nurse or paramedic. Retail and operations. Personal services from hair styling to dog walking. Sports coach. Sales and marketing. Fireman. Military. Merchant navy. Landscaping.

Plus of course, the right personality and skill set means anyone can build their own business in anything from retail to consulting services without any formal qualifications.

He's 8. Give it time.

[PurpleMustang]

Really what did I just read!! Whether he is good at school or not he has to go so why the hell do you think giving up tutoring and bothering to help him is going to make his school life any easier. Get him assessed properly, try till you find 'his' way of learning. Yes he may not be great at school but he is going to have an even worse outlook on life if you can't be bothered with him now. Why is his best not good enough, whatever that is? That is what you should be aiming for, to get his to be his best. And yes obviously try and gain him some other interests and skills for life beyond school. A lot of non academics go into manual jobs, does he have a sport he loves or something like carpentry/art/architecture? I have always told my kids I don't want you to aim for first, aim for your best. You may be the best but if 4/5 is your best and you get below that then you didn't try hard enough. You aim to be your best.

[Branleuse]

i hope people will be kind on this thread, its such a hard time trying to home educate kids that are neither particularly able or willing, and worrying about their future.
I have honestly felt similarly at times when you read the statistics for autistic people in the workplace for example, where more than 90% are not in full time employment and 70% arent in employment at all. It does make you think sometimes why the fuck am i putting myself and them through so much stress and trauma.
Obviously you cant give up, but its tempting sometimes to say fuck it all and lets just have a nice childhood instead

[Bourbanbiscuit]

I can remember worrying how my son would cope in the big wide world as he struggled so much with his school work. He has his own business, a brand new house and a gorgeous family. He is a success- your son will be the same. However he needs to know that you believe in him and support him through these years at school which are very hard for kids who are below average and have that proved to them every school day.
Keep going, he will be worth your time and trouble x

[OnlyTeaForMe]

people may have gotten me wrong on this comment, but I should just “give up” school and focus on other areas like music or arts? unfortunately he is not interest in either. So I am desperate.
I want him to succeed but school seems to be a dead end. And then what?

OP - the problem we found was that DS was so totally exhausted by the day to day learning that he simply saw things like music/arts as extra learning. Fine to enjoy them for fun, but don't be tempted to go down the music exams/lessons route (which is unfortunately how a lot of school stuff works).

[MujeresLibres]

I hope this op was a joke. Your kid will pick up on your attitude if not.

I'm not mum of the year and I get frustrated with my kid too, who can have trouble keeping focussed. But really, they're children, they're still learning study skills and it might take a while to get there. I wasn't exactly an academic star in primary school, but from 12+, I was a hard worker and ended up with a decent first degree from a Russell group uni and later a masters. You don't know how your kid is going to develop at that age, they may later do well academically or they might be someone who does well with practical subjects.

Whatever happens with your kid, it sounds like you feel like you are missing out yourself. Maybe look at how you can advance your career?

[OnlyTeaForMe]

Schools only really measure a very narrow range of skills - often focused on memory and regurgitation in exams (which, when you think about it, is SILLY given how we can access information at our fingertips these days).
So many successful entrpreneurs/actors/ people in the creative industries didn't perform well in traditional subjects at school, but it hasn't held them back. They often make great innovators/ business people etc as they make unusual connections and associations in their brains.

[MsWhatever]

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

OP can I (giving you the benefit of the doubt) ask if English is your first language? It may have lost something in translation if not, but otherwise, it's a quite horrible read, and you are evidently not cut out for home-schooling.

Sorry. It is. I’m just typing on my phone and doing 400 other things at the same time...

[Iwonder08]

There is no justification for these words OP, however tired or stressed you are. Your kid might not be academic and this is fine, lots of non-academic people are very successful in life. He is however guaranteed to have psychological issues because of your attitude. Don't you blame a child on missing out on your carrier, it was/still is your decision. Regardless of his academic achievements.

[blacktvscreen]

Aww I am going to say firstly I know how you feel I felt the same when my dc didn't just 'get' things.


Secondly now is the time to change your attitude towards your dc. If they only understand something after ten explanations then that's why you gave up all what you said, so you could be there to explain things ten times.
Then you need to find what your dc likes. If you are academic it can be difficult to accept this may not come under the remit of academics.
I specialise in working for entrepreneurs. I have worked with three entrepreneurs who have failed miserably in school been open and almost proud of it and have 'made' it so to speak in other fields.
I'm talking they earn millions. One even spotted something that others didn't because they were so busy being told they're useless they weren't looking in the same place as the 'clever' people.
So don't despair but you must not put your dc down or make them aware of your disappointment.

Can they do art/IT/music. Anything. Perhaps you haven't even found what they're good at yet. Expose them to as many ideas as possible. Read to them if they don't pick up reading easily.

I accidentally found my dc has a passion for jazz music by switching over radio stations. I'd never have listened to jazz before now it's on all of the time, me and dc completely different. Perhaps I still think mine is nowhere near as intelligent as me at their age but they are going to be way cooler I've decided and I'm also saving like hell if all of the above fails so they can at least have a reasonable life.

[anna114young]

I am so sorry to hear you feel this way. Homeschooling, lockdown etc is so so tough.
Try and be kind to both your kid and yourself.

My DS has found school so difficult and I only really became aware of his difficulties in the last lockdown/homeschooling period. I had him assessed online for free by a company called Easyread. Found out he has an eyetracking weakness which we have now resolved - this time in homeschooling everything is that little bit easier thank goodness!

Is it worth looking into why your kid finds learning hard?

[AlwaysLatte]

I think the important thing is not to measure him against others but look at his own achievements, maybe buy your own fun workbooks (the Gold Star' books are great and they love the stickers). Just plenty of encouragement and fuss when they get it right rather than worrying about them not keeping up. In some ways home schooling is brilliant for that.

[NavyFlask]

You need to find what he is good at. To paraphrase the famous saying- fish are shit at climbing trees but they beat monkeys hands down in the water.

And get yourself on his side! He's your child, you need to be his cheerleader.

[SinkGirl]

He’s 8. Why are you worrying about what his career will be?

I went to grammar school, have a degree, I had a career and now I have twins who are autistic and non verbal. I’m not sat here kicking myself for sacrificing my life for two children who don’t understand words, I’ve been working my arse off to get them into the right school to get them what they need, including going to tribunal for both at the same time. Frankly I couldn’t give a shit about my lost social life.

I absolutely cannot imagine feeling so desolate because my kids just aren’t very academic. You need to get a bit of perspective.

There are plenty of practical careers which are in demand and don’t rely on excellent academics. Perhaps he will end up going down one of those routes, unless he grows up feeling useless and like it’s not worth trying.

If you think he has learning disabilities, push for assessment and hopefully a diagnosis, don’t give up.

[purpleboy]

Op, I know quite a few people who weren't good at school in particular academic subjects who have all gone on to be very successful.
My nephew failed all his exams, he now owns his own super yacht security company earning millions a year.
My dear friend is dyslexic she now owns a Pilates studio and her income is mid 6 figures.
Another friend left school at 15 she started a marketing company with no knowledge and now earns a high 6 figure salary.

Don't give up on him, my own dd struggles at school but loves art, animals and dancing, I have no doubt she will end up in one of those fields. I don't sweat the academics, she will get there in the end.
Take a step back, don't put this pressure on your son or yourself. It won't do either of you any good.

[Ohalrightthen]

I would imagine being taught by a mother who thinks he's "dumb as a rock" is having a pretty negative impact on his willingness to engage.

You might love him, but the way you speak about him is disgusting. Is there anyone else who could teach your son? Possibly a break from your shitty attitude to him would help.

[surelynotnever]

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

OP can I (giving you the benefit of the doubt) ask if English is your first language? It may have lost something in translation if not, but otherwise, it's a quite horrible read, and you are evidently not cut out for home-schooling.

Actually, I found YOUR post quite a horrible read. But then I can tell from your username you revel in being vile.

[MessAllOver]

Don't give up on him but don't give up on yourself. It sounds like you need more for you in your life - your son's role is not to validate you. Maybe think about that when things get back to normal... what would you like to do?

Most of us are average. And a lot of us are perfectly happy being average. People tend to find their niche, if not at school then after it.

[Jellington]

@MsWhatever he sounds like my brother, who is dyslexic. He really struggled at school and I think the temptation is for them to get frustrated and give up because they're having to work twice as hard as everyone else. He scraped through his GCSEs and a few A levels but didn't exactly set the academic world on fire. Anyway, he's now running a successful IT business and doing very well for himself. Academic success is not a measure of potential in other spheres so try not to worry too much. The main thing is to keep him motivated.