Where do I even begin!? 🫠
As a woman, with a health issue, of course for 4 years I was told it was just anxiety. I had a number of cardiac incidents and each hospital trip I was told it was just a panic attack, each GP follow up was “I’ll refer you again for mental health support”.. I eventually had enough and presented to A&E and simply said “I think I’m having a heart attack” instead of reeling off all my individual symptoms. Finally someone took me seriously and I have been found to have both a congenital heart disease and severe valve regurgitation that needs to be repaired. However, I’ve been waiting for 15 months now, and have just found out my repair surgery will be in November, which will have been a 22 month wait in total.
Why such a long wait? Oh.. well because I’m obese. Ofcourse. I am 4ft11 and weigh 74kg currently, however 50.3% of that weight is muscle mass from being in the gym so much leading up to my diagnosis and working hard to ensure I don’t lose that despite now being quite heavily restricted in daily exercise and activities. I have chronic fatigue, presyncope and severe heart palpitations and chest pain, especially on exertion. I am on a low calorie but very high protein diet also, to aid my body in preserving my muscle.
I hope and pray that after my surgery, I will feel brand new, my heart will be strong and healthy and I might even get back to a life that feels normal, however my surgeon was quick to tell me that due to my obesity, that’s very unlikely and that I should actually be 50kg.
My mental health has taken suuuuuch a battering due to all of this, I’ve lost lots of “friends” that turned out to just be colleagues, as I’m now unable to work, because of my symptoms and because my employer refuses to risk assess and provide reasonable adjustments to support a return to work.
I feel very lonely, especially when the school holidays are over and everyone carries on as normal, and it’s just me and my 4 walls day in and day out. I am also a single mum, no partner and dating in my 30s in 2026 with two teenagers was hard enough without the heart condition, now it’s a million times harder because no one wants to start dating a chronically ill person.
I try and do a lot to lift my spirits, exercising at home, having a nice series to watch, napping to keep myself well rested, cooking good food, baking etc but still I feel low. I don’t know what I expect from putting this here, maybe just to get it out?
I often feel people are sick of me moaning, when really I just desperately need a lot of cuddles right now. I haven’t had a cuddle from anyone in a long time.