Do hospitals let you know when someone is dying?

[AKAanothername]

My DH is currently in hospital, he has inoperable pancreatic cancer and it has now progressed and is causing all sorts of other issues.

The worst issue at the moment is that his sodium levels are at 111 and they are struggling to increase them, he's also suffering from malignant ascites and portal hypertension.

The doctor has mentioned putting a DNR in place but, although I've tried my best to explain it to him, I'm not sure DH fully understands this (he's a little confused at times due to the low sodium).

Reading between the lines, it seems that they are actively treating what they can but they are expecting one or other of his organs to start failing and it's unlikely that he can recover from this. DH is unable to 'read between the lines' and he's fairly confident that he'll be out soon (not sure whether that's just bravado or what he's really thinking).

I know that the cancer can't be treated, it's terminal and I think that the current issues mean it will be sooner rather than later. Will the doctors actually tell us this or am I supposed to keep second-guessing them?

I really need to try and prepare his mum for this, I've been keeping her updated and she knows he's very unwell but I don't want to tell her that he's likely to die soon unless it's confirmed.

Don't feel guilty. This is new territory and must be frightening for all of you. Sending hugs

I think Drs will be led by you.

My OH died of cancer last year. He did not ask and didn't want to and it wasn't actively mentioned until we did ask. Near the end.

My children wanted to know and when they asked around that time they were told directly. As far as could be predicted.

If your MiiL needs to say goodbye, to see her son and with respect she does really, it is probably time to bring her up to speed . I know how how hard it is, I was in a similar situation with my MiL. Is there anyone else who can look after her and sort of take charge of her, in the nicest way, my SiL did this for me.

Your husband's wishes are everything but at some point it falls to you to make these end of life decisions. You might not have arrived at that yet.

I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. My heart goes out to you.

I am sorry you are facing this situation. Do you have a hospice in your area as they can be invaluable, not only for inpatient or respite care but for counselling and lots of other help too. Quite apart from the emotional aspect, looking after someone who is terminally ill can present other practical challenges, they may need a special bed to prevent pressure sores, there may be a lot of laundry etc. You don’t mention if you work, but you may need to think about this too.

With regards to MIL, it may be nice if she can see him soon when he is having a good day - although I know these can be hard to predict.

Are the practical things taken care of - an up to date will, do you know details of all his accounts / passwords etc. If he is getting confused it would be good to do this soon.

Oh dear yes.

A friend's elderly father had carefully written down all his account details, passwords etc... except the login username+password combi for his laptop!

I had to say that their options were limited (try to boot the laptop from a Linux image, or remove the hard drive, plug it into an external case, and in either case pray it wasn't encrypted which it might very well have been) and a bit fiddly unless you did that sort of thing all the time.

Hope the palliative care team are supportive. There was talk of getting my Mum home for her last days but she didn't make it - I knew that if she had any distress at home we couldn't manage it would take a bit to get a doctor or nurse out, so on that end of things I was glad she died in hospital where by and large she was well cared for.