Do I tell DCs their grandad is going to die?

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My dad (66) has leukaemia. He’s been in hospital for months and at one point it seemed he was going to be ok, but the past few days have been bad. Really bad. The treatment is no longer working and he has a few weeks left. I am overwhelmed with grief, I physically feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.

DD is 18 on Sunday and is doing A-levels and DS is 15 and is doing GCSEs. I don’t know whether to tell them yet. They know what is going on in terms of him having leukaemia and being in hospital, but not how bad it is. My mum wants me to wait until the last possible minute in the hope that he will last until after their exams, but I hate keeping things from them. DD especially will be distraught. She loves her grandad so much, but she cannot fuck up her exams. She needs 3As. I just don’t know what to do and any advice would be very much appreciated.

My mum was a teacher (she retired about 2 months before my dad was diagnosed) and she thinks I should wait and play it by ear. If anything drastic happens then obviously tell them, but for now just keep it on the down low.

I might ring school and college on Monday and let them know.

I have RA and I am trying not to get too stressed about it all. The last thing I need is a flare up!

It might be much worse for them to have the shock of him dying in the middle of their exams when they didn’t realise he was so sick. Do they know his cancer is definitely terminal? If they think he is being treated and we probably be cured I think you might need to tell them he’s on palliative care and that he has weeks left. If he can’t have many visitors due to infection risks could they make him videos, maybe once a week or so? Just to say hello, sorry you’re feeling so poorly, and maybe some bit of news he might be interested in - my exam today went well, look, this is my final portfolio of coursework for my art class, I finally nailed this skateboard trick/ballet step, got a new personal best in swimming/park run/ I built this cool lego robot/made myself a new skirt. It really doesn’t matter what it is, just a hello and a little update of something they are proud of. It will help them feel like they are still communicating with him and could ease any feelings of guilt they might have later if he dies while they were busy doing exams and being teens and not focusing on him. And while he’s still having periods of being awake he’ll probably love the videos.

it would depend upon them - are they generally worriers or are they more analytical and fact based? By shielding them from this are they going to miss a possible opportunity to say goodbye?
What would they say when you finally do tell them?
Such a difficult situation to be in.

it may have been difficult to wait if treatment needs to start immediately. This kind of news would be really difficult to keep assuming they are in the same household. They may well have been aware that they were having various tests and awaiting results. Certainly I’d hope that consideration could be made under the circumstances.

At their age, I think they probably know what's going on.
And I wouldn't keep it from them. Exams can be retaken, spending precious time and saying goodbye with their grandfather is not something that can be redone.
At the end of the day are their exams really that important? No.
If they truly have no idea (which is unlikely...) when it does happen, it will hit them much harder and they will blame you for not telling them.

DS is an internal worrier. He doesn’t process feelings well and is likely to start misbehaving rather than letting his emotions show. I’m worried he will do something stupid like not turn up to exams.

DD is very analytical and scientific, but again is an internal worrier. Tbh I think she’d be ok if I told her, but she is very focused and I don’t want to do anything to break that. My dad would be mortified if this caused her to not get into uni.

I suppose whatever I decide is neither right or wrong. Dp just suggested going for a walk, so I think we’ll go for a walk along the river and stroke random dogs. Clear my head a bit.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Lost my dad at age 66 to a different cancer last year and it's no age. My children are 7 and 2 though so I didn't tell them and they didn't know until after but at there age if it was my grandparent and I was very close to them I think I'd want to say goodbye. I don't have the words for you. Hope you can take care of yourself x

In this case Mum knows best. There are only about 4-5 weeks of exams left. Your Dad would not want your children to mess up their exams. Wait until after their last exam.

So sorry about your dad. It’s appalling timing for the kids, but it’s only exams. I know they’re important now, but not compared to their grandad. I would tell them.
The reason I’d tell them is so it isn’t a massive shock if he dies quickly, and wouldn’t they want to see him? To say goodbye while he still can.
If you let the school know, the exam boards should give consideration for difficult circumstances (not much, up to 5%) but something.
At their ages, they can’t be shielded from everything bad. They may know anyway, kids always know more than you think.

I’m sorry, it’s one of those situations where there’s no right (or good) answer. Whatever you decide, it’ll be with the best intentions, don’t worry about getting it wrong.

I'd wait until after the exams. I would encourage a few visits so they are not excluded, but wait for the news. If you say something now they will be distraught. If you tell then when he actually passes, they will be distraught. So nothing is gained by early telling them.

So sorry you're in this situation. We found out my DH had terminal cancer a couple of weeks before the exams so we made the decision to not tell DS till afterwards.

Make sure the school knows. It might be possible for this to be taken into consideration when papers are being marked.

I think advocating parents lie to their kids is not a good look from a teacher.

This post has made me feel really angry, increasingly all teachers care about is exam results, not the whole child not the developing human.

Life is messy. Help the children deal with it, don't just focus on bloody exams.

There's a difference between lying when asked a direct question, and not telling someone something.

I would plant the seed by talking about how weak he is but don't say anything explicit until after exams if you can

I'd be vague, but tell them, that grandad has deteriorated.

We are going through a parent with leukaemia. Can I ask what hospital your parent is at? Wondering what the best hospital for treatment may be?