Mil Terminal cancer no treatment - what’s next

[Edel12345]

Hi
sorry to be blunt in the title but I’m very practical. My poor MIL has terminal cancer Primary in bowel and secondary in liver and lungs. She is 80 so oncologist recommended no treatement.

we have had very little info and fall between two stools as she isn’t now under going treatment.

she is home with a walking frame as was very wobbly on her feet. In the last week she has started to sleep a lot and has zero appetite. She said she has some pain but nothing too much. She has no energy.

my poor husband doesn’t know if he is coming or going. Thankfully we have no prior experience of cancer but that means we have no idea Whats to come and if we need to start properly preparing our kids. One has some big exams coming up also.

I know every case is different but any information would be greatly appreciated. Are there stages that she will move through ?

thank you
E

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and especially for your family too.

I lost my wonderful MIL two years ago from ovarian cancer and the end was just horrific.

I won't go in to details but I've just seen your last update about your eldest wanting to see her when she goes, personally I would try and avoid this if possible. We visited my MIL the day she passed and my OH really wishes he hadn't. She had no idea who we were or where she was. She kept shouting for help and mumbling words just randomly. She was very frail too at the end (before her illness she was a size 14 so it was horrible to see her just skin and bone). But only two days before that we had a good chat just me and her so to see her two days later in that state was just a massive shock and I still can't process it, I don't think I ever will.

Personally I'd try and get her to say her goodbyes as soon as possible so she avoids 'the end' as it could be very traumatic for her.

Thinking of you xx

I was traumatised by my sister's death. It was frankly a horrific experience. I had counselling but 2.5yrs later was still distressed thinking of it. I would take advice from hospice staff. I was very glad my Dad wasn't there and agreed with my brother to describe it as peaceful. I did wonder if everyone makes this same claim/lie, but obviously not.

So sorry you are facing this and I wish I could be more reassuring

I was very glad my Dad wasn't there and agreed with my brother to describe it as peaceful. I did wonder if everyone makes this same claim/lie, but obviously not.

Have seen many deaths and some are genuinely peaceful, some are not, and some quite horrific. Depends on a multitude of factors.

Thank you again everyone
my dear mil passed away during the week. My daughter stayed with her till late and the I brought her home. We just felt it was a risk it could be traumatic and didn’t want her to rem her granny like that. My husband was glad she left as it was sa little traumatic in terms of the gasping for air at the end

we are absolutely distraught to be honest … I feel nearly as distraught as my husband She was an wonderful person MIL and the most wonderful granny to my kids I mourn for what they have lost and how she won’t be in their lives going forward and what a gaping wound it leaves

I worry for my husband too and how he will cope over next few weeks and months He is not a talker so bottles it all up. He was so close to his mum Closer then to his dad who passed and really had such a close relationship. His mum was cremated so I know he will find it tough not to have a grave to go to ‘talk to her’ like he did his dad.

if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. I just wish I we could turn back to clock even 6 months ../ so much regrets which really doesn’t help either

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I think the first few weeks, leading up to the funeral go by in a bit of a blur. There are so many things to do and everything seems to take much longer than anticipated.

My mother had already planned her own funeral, but left the scattering of her ashes up to her 3 children.
I buried my pot right at the end of my garden and bought a new bird bath to sit on top of them. My 16 year old son goes up there when he feels the need for a chat with his Gran. I can just about see him from my kitchen window and it breaks my heart, but he needs that time.

Both of my teens, (16 and 17) have gone through a whole myriad of emotions, and all i have said to them is "whatever you feel today, is ok for today".

There is no bloody rule book to get you through this, but even though we are only 3 months down the line, the tears are getting less and the memories of the happy times are finally taking over.

Thinking of you all x

I am so sorry for your loss. Condolences to all your family and your lovely MiLs wider circle. No death is easy, a sudden death is a shock and is often full of regrets which can be very hard to deal with. However some ways an expected and inevitable death, even if you have had time to say your goodbyes and last words can feel guiltily like an unexpected relief, which of course just leads you to feeling awful at “wishing” for a death. And that is the real issue that you will all have to face, a mixture of emotions that need dealing with and accommodating into your life, and not always in the same way.

Which is why there is no formula for grief, and no quick fix, it is ups and downs, tears and laughter, overwhelming sorrow and overwhelming memories and unexpected hilarity or weeping at something trivial . All you can do is make sure you talk, about your MiL and what an amazing person she was, about her death, about her illness, about her life, about your own feelings. But at the same time you need to recognise that sometimes no one wants to talk, they just want to curl up in a ball and sob.

Arranging the funeral, songs,music, readings, guests, refreshments, cars, flowers etc will occupy you all for a while, making sure that everyone who wants to be a part of it is involved and welcomed and that her life is celebrated , but be prepared for a huge drop in energy post funeral as the adrenaline that has kept you going subsides.

Keep all the cards and messages safe. They are a huge comfort to read through.

Whilst it's normal to feel regrets and what ifs, you have been amazing!

You sound like a family full of love, so please be kind to yourself. It will be sad and there will be tough days but MIL will always be part of you all, in mannerisms, sayings, personality traits etc.

You did everything you could, with so much to juggle. I bet MIL was thrilled to have known you and loved you, like you loved her.

Sympathies to you all.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry to hear your news, may her memory be a blessing on you, her friends and family.

This is some of the stuff which we have found really useful for dealing with the practicalities of a death in the family:

www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once
This site goes through the initial steps you will need to take from registering the death to informing government (ie HMI that the person has died)

Registrar
You will need to make an appointment to see them once you have a death certificate, they will ask you how many copies you need, you will need at least 10 copies.

Council
You will need to contact your Council to change your Council Tax to single person occupancy which cuts the costs by 25%, do this as soon as you can as they do not apply a retrospective discount.

Banks
Each bank should have a co-ordinator for deaths, if you can go into the actual bank it is easier to deal with the people there but sometimes it can get a bit muddled as they do not know the process. They should also cancel all the standing orders and direct debits, but it would be sensible to take a note of these and any other subscriptions, eg, Netflix, Sky etc to call them to explain and if necessary transfer details. Check for any other pensions that your deceased might have on www.gov.uk/find-pension-contact-details, you just need to know where they worked and the website will do the rest for you. You should also check if they had any other forms of life insurance… sometimes this will be part of a mortgage.

Credit cards
Call the number on the back of the card and ask to speak to the team who process cards in the event of a death, they will walk you through the process.

Mobile phones
As above, but be careful that other phones are not linked into the same account.

If you have any issues with the Bank, Credit card or Mobile phone people, then you need this website, and you can send an email directly to the CEO which normally expedites any issues or blockages - www.ceoemail.com/

Funeral Directors
You need to be practical as this is a big expense, so if you can get a member of the family to ring at least three and explain what has happened and that you are registering the death but are checking on process, they should be very helpful. You will need to cover the following information to get a rough estimate of costs:

• Church or secular – if church, there will be charges for the use of the church, fees for the celebrant and choir
• Burial or cremation
• Cost of coffin (and plot)
• Flowers
• Music
• Number of Cars

Afterwards, on a purely practical side, if you can remove clothing and shoes, do it sooner rather than later. Sort out what will go to charity and then drive it to the next town as you do not want to see your mum’s coat bobbing into the Co-op! Take the rest to the recycling. Remove all of her make up, perfumes and other wash bag items. I know that it sounds cruel, but the longer you leave it the harder it is to do.

Next, when you as a family are up to it, go through physical photo albums and write names on the back of the pics, there is nothing sadder than pics of people that no one can remember.

Finally, there is no right or wrong way to do any of this and you do not have to take notice of anyone’s advice, even mine… whatever gets you through is the right thing to do for you.

My dh died 8 weeks ago. The last time he was able to eat was exactly a week before. We had wonderful carers and regular visits from a palliative care nurse.He stopped talking and was mainly sleeping 4 days before he died and was unable to swallow liquids . He had a syringe driver for his meds. Two days before he died he pointed at a picture of his mother and Sid,”That’s my Mam.” I had never heard him refer to her as Man before always by a pet name. The morning he died he was breathing very loudly but no distress. I got up to go to the loo, kissed his forehead and told him to try to rest. Two minutes later when I came back he had gone, just slipped away between two breaths no pain or agitation just a silence.

Said not Sid!

Very sorry for your loss. I lost my DM five year ago and know all too well how you must ask be feeling.

I am posting today as I picked up on your comment about MIL being cremated meaning no grave. My DM was also cremated but, at our cemetery, we had the option of a memorial niche. Her ashes are inside, and it's looks like a traditional grave stone where we can leave flowers etc. My Dad goes every week and talks to her. Maybe you could see if that option is available to you?