FIL just diagnosed with a brain tumour - now what?

[Onebabyandamadcat]

Last night we found out my wonderful FIL has a brain tumour. It's a grade 3/4 which I understand is not the type you want! Everything has moved so quickly - two weeks ago he had a weakness in his left hand and the Dr sent him for a scan. A few more scans and a biopsy later and here we are.

We don't have much more info, his drs are meeting today to discuss then I guess we'll get a plan.

Does anyone have any experience? What can we do to be helpful? My DM died of cancer when I was 13 so whilst I understand some of what's to come I was so young that I was shielded from the practicalities.

Also my DD (3)worships her papa - he's her favourite person in the world. How on earth do I explain this to her? When do I explain it - soon or when he's really ill?

Sorry for the rambling post, we're still in shock I think. DH is finally asleep after staring at random shows in the TV most of the night. We're also heading to the EPU at 9 for an early scan following two miscarriages this year. I've been feeling so positive about this pregnancy and now it feels like we're being given with one hand and having things snatched away with the other.

My FIL died of brain tumour this year. He was diagnosed in March and died in June. He was moved into a care home about 6 weeks after diagnosis as the level of care he needed was too significant.

I think yes you should prepare yourself that he may not be here at Christmas of that he may be but that he may not really be with it. For the last 6 weeks or so of my FIL's life he was barely conscious, he would wake and talk occasionally but more often than not he was sleeping.

We found his illness was like steps, there would be a sudden decline and then he would level out for a period until the next decline.

We tried to get power of attorney sorted at the point he was diagnosed, it came through a couple of weeks after he died, it can take well over 12 weeks. Honestly we didn't need it anyway.

Have they had the conversation about DNR yet? Initially my FIL didn't want one supported by my SIL and his step kids. We had to have some difficult conversations about it with them and get MacMillan to help explain it to him so he understood what that would actually mean for him and he then agreed to the DNR.

one of my close friends died of a brain tumour a few years ago- she was bed bound for three months- much longer than you would expect. It depends on how strong the heart is. So very sad x

If the other people close to FiL are in denial, that is how they want to cope,and they should be allowed to do that. However not does not stop you coping in any way you want to - which is to be prepared. So if it were me (I am also a realistic planner) I would be talking with Macmillian and educating myself about end of life pain management, getting paperwork organized and delaying a car purchase (but what colour so you think he would like - you should talk to xyz about what they think etc) and then when something is needed you will just be able to produce it or phone someone with no fanfare and no effort. I would also find someone to talk to and support you who also is a realistic planner (maybe someone outside of the family circle) as it sounds that if you lean on a relative to support you, they wont be in the same place and be able to understand where you are coming from

Thanks everyone. POA is in place and so is a will - though we're not really a will family. MIL will obviously inherit the house and pensions and savings. Beyond that there's nothing to be given out - we're just a normal working class family.

I've read up on everything and made contact with Macmillan and a carers association who have helped organise some things.

Hospice stuff can only be arranged by a Dr or Macmillan and it's only really FIL and MIL who can trigger that. Initially he was very reluctant about the DNR but DH and I spoke to him a bit about what the reality of that would be and he's changed his mind.

The car I'm just trying to stall with as previous posters said. It's just so frustrating to be sitting with people making big plans for the next six months when really it's the next few weeks we need to look at. It's hard to articulate - I don't want to steal their hope and want them to try to deal with this the best they can. But at the same time I'm worried people are going to be really shocked when the time comes much sooner than they expected and they might have regrets about things they should've said/did. All the while FIL is getting sicker and needs more support but by not reaching out to those who can help things get to crisis points before anything gets done. Then MIL gets really angry at the world and the professionals because it doesn't happen right away.

Anyway I'm just offloading here.

Offload away, you have my sympathy. It’s possible FIL and MIL know what’s happening but don’t want to face it or discuss it - my sister was like this; we visited her when we knew she just had months to live (other side of the world) and were not allowed to even allude to what was going on. Her choice. If the basics are in place - will, MacMillan etc - then that’s the best you can do; let them ‘enjoy’ their denial. For the wider family you might feel you can be a bit more realistic.