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MIL not being honest with palliative care team - how to persuade her she doesn't need to be in pain?

26 replies

CMOTDibbler · 24/06/2020 15:33

MIL has mesothelioma, but is in total denial about it being terminal even though from the start she wasn't offered any aggressive treatment, only symptom management.
She accepted liquid morphine when getting really awful pain when the tumour got into her spinal cord (she's had a dose of radiotherapy which has reduced this since), but FIL is obsessed with her getting addicted to it. She admitted at the weekend that she has 'really uncomfortable' days and nights, and is very breathless at times. Both of them look absolutely exhausted as shes awake 5 times a night
The palliative care team have been ringing weekly, and are offering long acting pain relief, but she won't tell them how bad it is, and isn't telling them how many times she's up in the night and so on.
I'm trying gently to tell her she doesn't have to suffer, but as FIL (and two out of three sons) are so deep in denial, and very much 'oh, she can still have chemo' its hard going as they minimise everything.
Realistically, she probably has only a few weeks to live (she was diagnosed a year ago and average life expectancy would be 7 months - the RT she had is for people with less than 3 months to live) and I can't bear to think of her being in pain and scared with the breathlessness for the little time she has left.
Any ideas on more that can be done to help her accept the help she needs? Of course only FIL is going to the consultant with her atm

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 29/06/2020 17:15

MIL is having more RT next week as the painful lump is actually tumour thats come through a drain site and it sounds like all her ribs on that side have tumour growing into them, so they are going to treat her whole side.
I'm hoping that they will put her on sustained release pain relief as part of that so she will then stay on it maybe. I've engaged sensible SIL about this too - BIL1 is deep in denial, BIL2 (nice SILs partner) is a bit ineffective and avoidant, but sees them the most. Unfortunatly BIL1 is the golden child who would be listened to more.
Again though, its not that FIL would/is stopping her, but isn't encouraging honesty about symptoms either, or pushing her to take the pain relief. She needs to be honest about it, but is a life long master of the 'ooh, its not that bad'.

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