Bowel cancer spread...what happens next?

[Dowser]

My lovely cousins husband had bowel cancer diagnosed last year.

He had radio and chemo. Then an op to remove the tumour and was left with a bag.

More chemo to mop up the cells and before he got to the end of it , he was scanned and it's in his liver and stomach.

He's in excruciating pain, taking morphine constantly so he's out of it. Can't eat. Having no life at all. Doesn't leave the house.

Been to see them and it's beyond heartbreaking.

He starts more chemo this week.

I can't make sense of it at all. He's already a very poorly, sick man and he's getting more of the same.

He's got 6 months without chemo and 2 years with. I'd love to believe that but the reality just doesn't seem to measure up.

This is only palliative treatment, there's no cure.

Has anyone any insights and I do apologise if this is triggering but I'm just bewildered.

So sorry for your loss, Dowser

So sorry. He is not suffering any more.

Hi Dowser, I e just read your posts and am in tears. I've seen people I love die of cancer and it's awful. He sounds like an utter gent, I'm so sorry. Xxxxxxxx

I'm so sorry Dowser. You wrote a wonderful description of him.

Very very sorry to hear this Dowser. Thinking of you.

So sorry to hear this but he leaves lovely memories

So sorry Dowser such a cruel illness and far too young too die xx

Thank you so much for your support and kind words and I'm so impressed how you all ' got ' his character so well.

When they came to visit they stayed with my mum before her dementia got too bad and she had to go into a home.

They took her everywhere and they also had his 90 year old mil in tow too as they couldn't leave her . They were for carers for her too.

Mum had really bad legs. Full of fluid and he used to dress and cream them every day for her.

He was a man in a million .

Dowser we got his character because you described so well and so lovingly the ways in which he was a stand-up man, tip-top, and a thoroughly good egg.

He sounds wonderful. So sorry.

I've asked if I can talk about him at the funeral and his wife said she would be delighted.

It shows how well he was thought of, ten of my family ( that's 12 of us in all) are travelling to the funeral. Five of them under 12.

My cousins wife has had one helluva week.shes ran around like a headless chicken trying to sort everything out.

What is unbelievably sad is that her money had been reduced down to subsistence level practically overnight.

So cruel. They weren't well off people.

If you speak half so well at his funerals you have on this thread, then his memory will be well-served.

I am so sorry Dowser. I hope you are getting any support you need too as well as being a wonderful support to your cousin.

A teacher at my dc's school has bowel cancer and my heart was in my mouth reading your thread. I long for the day a cure will be found. Too many people taken .

Thank you echt. I've half written the draft so will keep fine tuning it till I pitch it just right.

It's on Monday. Will let you know how it goes.

Dowser how did the funeral go? Having been to a couple where the deceased was untimely dead I know that they can be a potent mixture of joy and sorrow.

Well, we just got back last night as we stayed almost a week just to give her a bit more support and she's doing fantastic.

On the day of the funeral we went to her house and she was amazing. She is a lovely, strong, funny woman. She was making cups of tea . As the hearse arrived, I said ' can we do this?'
' yes, ' she said' ' we can do this'.

The crematorium is set in beautiful grounds . One of many privately owned facilities that is probably coming to a space near you. It reminds me of the American model. I've not set foot in one, but from what we've seen in the movies, light, spacious, airy.

His wife had a bit of a wobble as they got him out of the car, but she held up well. I used to be a bereavement counsellor, so I'm pretty well used to putting my feelings on hold. The day was about her, not me.

Everything went well there were a lot of people there. Many had to stand at the back including my family and the children were so well behaved. For some of them it was their third funeral in 18 months. His sister spoke, I spoke , the reverend summed up and then it was time to leave him behind. They played an Elvis song, 'memories' that I didn't know. It seemed to start a lot of the flock off sobbing.

Outside under the covered porch were lots of flowers. His wife stopped to look at all the lovely flowers and people seemed to see it as a sign to come up weeping and wailing all over her. So, that really set her off. I wished they would just get into the car but never mind.

We took all the flowers with us. Now, I know this never used to be the done thing but I rather liked the idea. Some were laid on the lawn like the big wreaths but the rest were taken into the house, even the large spray that was on his coffin. I think she got more comfort from having them around, rather than leaving them behind.

Then we went on to the wake and Elvis impersonator entertained us for an hour. I was doing ok till he sang ' in the ghetto' . Never been a fan of that song, but it nearly got me.
So, yes it all went well

However....

I can't believe the flack and stress my cousin has had to put up with at a time when she just be adjusting to the new reality.

But oh no. It was incredible what was coming out of the woodwork.

The day he died in hospital , she had received a £70 parking fine for staying with her husband while he passed away. She's already dealt with that one.

She has a carrier bag full of bumpf from dwp, council, tax office....you name it!

When we met up in the afternoon of the day after the funeral she got a call from the funereal directors wanting an extra £120 because the funeral had over ran its time slot.

From my postings on here, I'm sure you can imagine my reaction to that one.

The next day after she'd seen to her mum we went to the FD's. Apparently if you go over your time slot of 40 mins, you get charged double by the crematorium. ( probably doesn't happen at council controlled sites) Also, if you're a big person there's an extra charge of £300 . (Probably because they need to run the furnaces for longer). Now I don't know about you but I find talking about those things makes me feel a bit squeamish . If I'd just lost a loved one, I would have been distraught. What I did feel was bloody angry, because the crematorium had waived the £300 so there was no need to mention it. My cousin was standing up really well. All credit to her. I asked the FD's advice and she said as the £300 had been waived they felt better to pay it. Then the devil climbed into the driving seat and I heard my mouth saying ,' no, we're not paying it. This wasn't our fault. If we'd known the rules etc . So the FD's agreed to write to the crematorium.

Anyway, her husband was ready for collection, so we took him. He'd have been bloody fuming! So we did right by him.

The next morning. I did some research on the Internet and found out a bit more about the owners of the crematorium. I found the CEO and I wrote ( a nice ) email to him.

Then...you know the saying, where's there's a will there's relatives. Well a letter arrived a week before the funeral from them.

There's more to follow....if you'd like to hear the rest.

Your cousin will be fine with you as support .

Gosh, what a trial for your cousin.

Oh god. Just as things were picking up....there's more.

My eyelids are drooping . Got to get some sleep but will update ASAP

:-(

Oh dear. I hope you managed to rest enough to face the day .

Very very sad. In a perfect world everyone would receive the testing kits (I'm old, so they test us)

Well, where to start. Sorry everyone life got in the way.

So, I wrote an email to the CEO of the crem company and got a lovely email back within hours waiving the £120 charge and even more astonishingly he copied me in to an email he had written to the FD. Wotw even I felt embarrassed at the slapped wrists they got. I need to up my game. That was a letter and a half.

A week after her husband died my cousin got a letter with a copy of her husbands will. The chap who wrote it, let's call him Dick Daft stated that he was looking out for her husbands sons from an earlier marriage and that their aunts( husbands sisters) would be liaising with her husbands siolicitors. She was worried sick, anyway after I had read the will I could see she was the sole beneficiary and executor and these bunch of idiots could go and get lost to put it more politely than they deserved.

Anyway we made an appointment with the solicitor and got the original will. I googled Daft Dick ( luckily he had put his address)and wrote him a letter telling him who is in charge and I didn't think any further correspondence was necessary. The solicitor told my cousin what she needed to hear. The house was hers and they couldn't touch it.

Then, there was only the parking charge of £70 incurred at the hospital on the day he died to sort and we were nearly home and dry. I was a bit concerned at that one as I'd googled the company Parking Eye and I'd read they could be a bit unsympathetic. Anyway a couple of calls to the hospital trust and that one was waived too. ( I know quite a bit about parking charges but if you ever get one the place to look is pepipoo .com and MSE. Whatever you do don't ignore it and don't stump up in a panic either. You might be able to not pay at all or get it reduced to a fraction of what they would like it to be.)

So, on the day that good news came through, there was devastating news from Wales. Less than a month after her husband had died, her son was taken into hospital coughing up blood and it turns out he has stage 4 aggressive lung and testicular cancer!

Now how cruel is that. I can't get my head round it. Having seen what his step dad has gone through the poor man is beside himself. Naturally. He started chemo two days ago. He's been told he will make a full recovery if he can stand the treatment but this treatment is nasty !

So, where she was starting to pick herself up and look to the future she's been plunged right back into it and we're all in shock!

I probably need to start a new thread.

Dowser I have just read the whole thread for the first time. Your poor cousin, what an awful, awful time which must appear never ending. You're amazing for bring such a support to her.
I have nothing but admiration for you all and I'll be thinking of your cousin's son. I really, really hope he comes out fighting and beats it.

Oh no, your poor family. Strength to you all .