Anyone else with family or close friend with a terminal illness want to talk, or vent, or just pat me on the back and say something soothing?

[HearMyRoar]

Today I am going with my mother to visit the hospice she would like to stay in while she dies.

I don't even know what you are supposed to wear in these situations. I spent half an hour changing clothes this morning, and what's more I know that really it doesn't matter and nobody would care if I went in my paint covered old jeans. I am still fretting about it.

She is 56, and like everyone does I had sort of expected my mum to be around for ever. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago, had the works; surgery, chemo, radiotherapy. For a while it looked like she was in the clear until they found tumors in her lungs, then spine, now it would be quicker to say where she hasn't got it.

She stopped the chemo a month ago as it was causing her more harm then good and is now assigned to a palliative care team. We all know it is months rather then years, if we are lucky.

I am generally pretty open with people about it. At work the people in my team know, and my close friends know. The thing is I just can't talk to them about the little things. I just don't think they would understand why I am now hiding in the bedroom sobbing because the kittens keep laddering my tights with their sharp little claws and I only have one clean pair left.

I think I just want someone else who has been here, or who is also going through it to tell me they know how Ifeel, and it's shit but we'll be OK.

And there we go, back to a bad day for dad, he is in pain and barely able to walk; a probable side effect of a palliative drug. He's seen the GP already today, now to call the cancer nurse. And it's Friday so we'd better decide on his drugs soon.

We came back from our holiday in July and went to see DM 77 to collect the cat. She lives a couple of hours drive from us. She mentioned that she had felt bloated for a few weeks but seemed healthy apart from her normal arthritis and diabetes. She rang us that evening and said she had been very sick (she never has gastro problems) From then on she was constantly sick for the next week and ended up in hospital with dehydration etc. Turns out it was a blockage of the small bowel and they removed the blockage. The blockage turned out to be cancer and it had spread to the lymph nodes. She recovered from the operation well, but started chemo two weeks ago. However she started being incredibly sick again and ended up hospital again. They called us all in because they thought she had a matter of days. She got a bit better and then worse and had an internal bleed and they decided to withdraw everything except anti sickness and pain relief. She improved remarkable! She is going home today with mcmillan/marie curie support. SHe is in a lot of pain but we just dont now know how long she has.
I cant believe how quickly this has all happened. My sis and lovely niece have been brilliant as they live close and i do feel guilty having to load so much onto their shoulders

Didn't want to read and run bruffin but just to say what a shock for all of you. How is your mum doing now? It's good that you have the support of Macmillan/Marie Curie.

Thank you theclockticksslowly
The prognosis is weeks apparently but she is very happy to be home.

I'm very sorry to see your news bruffin. Being at home was the greatest comfort to my DPILs, my DM and now my dad. For your family this is so hard and I wish you every strength and comfort

Thoughts are with you Bruffin and your dm, sister and niece.

Thank you
Sadly she died this morning.
She was a lovely mum and a wonderfil grandmother. We were really blessed to have her in our lives

Greatest sympathy for you and your family Bruffin. Lovely that you can see what a great person she was. Take care of yourselves x

Thinking of you and your family

So sorry for your loss Bruffin. Thinking of you

So sorry to hear this news bruffin.

So sorry Ruffin to hear about your mum. Just awful.

My mum starts her radiotherapy on Thursday to manage some symptoms. She was offered this 3 months ago and refused. She's much weaker now so not sure how she will cope. I'm going to see her over half term. Feeling v sad but for some reason can't cry.

Can I join too? for everyone who has posted. I can't talk about this in rl so am so glad to find a place to chat.

Dad has maybe got weeks now. I live six hour drive from my parents and have been driving down at weekends to support and help out. I am bustling about doing this and that for them but actually have locked away my feelings completely, sort of like being in denial but not. I am scared to hug or open up in case I cry. Just can't do it. I am ashamed of this because maybe mum and dad would be ok about it but I don't do emotions, never have. I'm practical, me.

The hospice we are linked to has been amazing. I am so grateful that the staff, doctors, nurses and volunteers have been there to support both my parents. Dad was there for a couple of weeks recently while they organised his pain relief medication and he has borrowed a special bed for using at home because he so wanted to come home. However, now he is home, and despite there being carers coming every day, plus the daily nurse visits, I saw this weekend that my mum is struggling to deal with everything. She has been having dizzy spells and not sleeping well, forgetting everything, losing things. She even apologised to me because of the way she was! Heavens sake, it's no wonder.

She went to the hospice last Thursday (a special weekly respite day for all carers where they meet together and can have complimentary therapies, nice lunch, arts and crafts etc if they want) and was told that they could both come back and stay at the hospice together until he died. I think she would like this but she knows he wants to stay at home. I think that he would want her to be comfortable though and would agree to go back if she wanted.

She is going to have a chat with him today and I will call later to see how they are getting on.

We have been very lucky to have had this time with dad, the illness has been long and protracted, but he has kept his essential character throughout. My two brothers, who live two and three hour drives away, have been great. We have worked together to ensure that one or other of us is around for most of the weeks.

Next challenge is supporting mum once dad has gone...

Hi kelpie wishing you lots of strength. Saw my brother at weekend - probaby same stage as your dad, in hospice and about to go home. He is just about still himself but v. Drowsy from morphine and so fragile. When I left just wanted to take him home, out into the autumn evening, collect conkers, buy chips .... so many memories. I am so angry that it took so long to diagnose and left him with no chance and a life cut short. My mum and dad visit everyday - they have always been close, there all of his adult life - it is a fundamental loss losing a child isn't it? I fear it will hit them so very hard. I am so thankful for his wife, the love and care she has shown him through all of this.

Goldenkelpie I hope the chat went well

Oh babbincaro it's hard isn't it? Your brother sounds young, and for your parents to lose their child (of any age)? It's the worst death, to lose your child.

Luddoole had a chat with them last night but just general stuff. He is to go to the hospice today as a day patient but, as he has stayed in bed for the last couple of days (too tired, just breathing is tiring him out) I am wondering if his carers can help him up today.

Despite everything I am extremely grateful that he did not succumb to Alzheimers like his dad. That is a truly devastating disease. At least I can still talk to dad every day on the phone, even if just briefly.

Hi, sorry for everyone going through this.
My situation is a bit different my godmother has cancer. She was a huge part of my childhood basically a second mum I spent most school holidays with her and her partner they took me all over the world.
She moved to NZ 9 years ago and now she is ill I feel very very helpless.
Her partner let me know that she was taken back to hospital by ambulance 2 days ago after another round of chemo.
I just want to be with them and keep looking at flights but I don't have an up to date passport and my partner has a chronic illness and would find it hard to look after the dc for a long period of time .
I'm just so so sad and also worried for her partner who us dealing with this alone.

innocent it's so frustrating that you can't be there in person to support your godmum. Perhaps a special card and letter would help you both; you could write all those things you can't say over the phone (they can be so impersonal at times like this) and she will have something tangible from you to hold and read.