Want to have a baby with my partner - any advice/information gladly received!

[bluepumpkin]

Hello, I'm new here and my partner and I have just agreed to start trying for a baby next year. (I'm on a course at the moment so don't want the stress of TTC at the same time.) Anyway, I think plan will be donor insemination at a clinic as we don't have any male friends who would be appropriate for donation. My question is, do I go to my GP now and get on a waiting list? How easy is it to get fertility treatment as a same-sex couple? Also, are we better off trying to self-fund to start with, as I thought I remembered reading that the NHS will only fund you if you have NOT had any self-funded treatment already. Sorry for all the questions, but I don't really know where to start! I'm 32 by the way.

Hi

I am the non-bio parent of a 17 week DS. We went to aprivate clinic as there is a derth of sperm donors since the govt decided to lose the right to anonymity. We had a great service, although the process took a long and expensive root. I wish you all the best, and it is all worth it, every penny and every second of anguish.

bluepumpkin = wish you the best of luck - having a child is the best (and most tiring thing!) ever ! there are loads of issues here! One is the presence of a known donor - from personal experience i am glad we went through a clinic using an unknown donor (whose idententity our daughter will be able to access at age 18 if she so wishes) as this has made our partnership equal. There is obviously the right of child debate and we will raise her knowing she is donor conceived, but personally rather this than a known donor where although it can sometimes work out well, i have known all sorts of conflicts which are not good for the child. The clinic route is obviously safest with regards to genetic testing and infections - remember at the end of day, unfortunately most clinics are intersted in producing results and making a profit, whether private or NHS, although ultimately they are doing good, they still need to make money to keep going! think about this in your choice of treatments and use of drugs and the longer term effects on your body! It is good idea to research IUI and IVF so you know more about it. My ultimate advise is to start earlier than later because these things take time and sometimes money (incidentally Nhs trusts now offer treatment free to lesbian couples and it is best to try these first before going private as once you have received private treatment they can refuse nhs funded treatment) and in between trying have time together/take breaks etc so you are not just focusing on getting pregnant - it worked for us! maria x

DORCHIES (or anyone!) - wondered if you could offer any advice re adoption? I am in civil partnership but unfortunately missed the boat for having my partner put on birth cert after our IVF. not sure where to start! I am biological mum and want my partner to adopt our daughter to be legally recognised as parent.... anyone any experience of process?

Thanks Mariasue1, there are indeed a lot of issues to consider! I'm hopeful that our NHS trust will fund treatment, and we both need to have a think about what would be the best treatment - I know that some trusts offer for example either 3 tries at IUI OR 1 try of IVF. As far as I know there are no fertility problems but I guess they'll check those kinds of things out once we get the ball rolling. That's assuming my PCT funds same-sex couples. I don't know anyone who has done this in our area so we'll have to wait and see. I have also heard that you miss out on funded treatment if you have paid for any in the past so the first stop is definitely the GP!
Thanks for all your advice! I will keep you all posted as to how I get on. For now I'm getting stuck in to Stonewall's Pregnant Pause book which arrived a couple of days ago and seems to be full of useful information.

Hi has anyone actually on here had any success with fertility1st? i am seriously thinking of using them in the next months to come, thanks

Hi Mariasue - we were gutted we missed out too with the automatic parental rights for our second child.

Basically - you need to right to your local council adoption agency informing them of your intention to adopt through step-parent adoption. You then wait for them to get in touch with you. This only took a month or so with two diferent authorities for us, but I understand for some people the wait can be a long time.

You then get a visit from a social worker and they have to do about 5 visits to you. You then have to fill in a long form and send it to your local family court (this has to be at least three months after your initial letter). They write to your social worker requesting a report, and you go to court for an initial court hearing. You then get given a date for the final hearing and hey presto you're a legal parent!

It was really straight forward as we used a clinic, but it was a bit of effort and the social worker struggled to find things to ask us! If you want any more info feel free to CAT me.

Spursdon, in response to your question, my DW and I have a gorgeous 9 month old son conceived via fertility 1st. Although they might not be the right route for everyone, they were the perfect choice for us - in fact we are going to try for #2 shortly ! We ended up having about five 'deliveries' over four months, but obviously there are no guarantees on how long it can take (or if it will ever work). One piece of advice I would offer is look at your finances and set yourself a 'timelimit'. We agreed we would try this route for 12 months and if it didn't work then we would consider a clinic.
Best of luck
Goalie

Hi, my names Bryony and I'm studying journalism at university. At the moment I'm writing a story about fertility treatment for single parents and same sex couples and the challenges they face. I've been finding it really hard to get the view of somebody who is actively trying for a baby and just wondered if you might be able to give me your views.
Thanks very much,
Bryony

BryonyKW

You need to be a little more explicit in the views you want - try asking some questions

Goalie

Thanks goalie,
Well basically my story's about the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act changing the "need for a father" requirement to a "supportive parenting" requirement, making it easier for 'unconventional' parents to get fertility treatment.
My questions are really, what does it mean for you? How will it change things? And also do you think its fair for a single mum to have the same rights to treatment as a lesbian or gay couple who are in a loving, stable relationship? Whats better for the child?
Thanks for your help everyone
Bryony

dk.cryosinternational.com/private/questions--answers.aspx

www.midlandfertil ity.com/

BEST thing ever
EVER

Hello again! An update - I've been to my GP who was lovely but went away and researched things with my PCT and reported back that they do not fund treatment unless you have proven infertility or subfertility. I asked if there was any chance of getting treatment in the future, if for example we had three goes at IUI and they failed. She thinks that might be a way in to funded treatment.

Anyway, we have decided to have a go at private treatment. I'm thinking of Bourn Hall Clinic in Cambridge - does anybody have any experience of it? They don't mention lesbians at all on their website, which I find a bit off-putting (lots of talk of 'husbands'). But also my partner is now saying that she is anxious about the possibility of multiple births, and doesn't want to have any treatment which would increase the risk of that.

The problem is, if we have IUI without drugs, in a clinic, the chances of pregnancy are not particularly high as far as I can see. At least if you do AI at home you aren't limited as to the number of times you can try - at £1000 a go, we will definitely be limited.

Does anybody have any experience of unstimulated IUI and it's success?

Thanks for all your advice everyone - I really hope we get there in the end!

Hi Bluepumpkin,

My wife is currently 13 weeks pregnant, we did AI at home after finding a suitable donor online at www.co-parentmatch.com

It might not be suitable for you but it has worked out perfect for us.

Good luck to you and everyone else who are trying

Thanks Lemon1979, I'll check it out.

Both my wife and I had stimulated iuis through a clinic- I had clomid and my wife had gonal f ( injectible drugs). I had a singleton pregnancy and my partner is now pregnant with no 2 - also a singleton. We both had 3-4 follicles each time(2 dominant ones) and the risk of multiples is nowhere near as high as with I've, though of course it can happen. Our clinic was very clear that they would not do an iui if there were more than 2 dominant follicles. Unfortunately for us both it took 6 tries, we were both under 32 and no known fertility problems do the drugs were the most sensible option for us- we didn't have the funds for ivf and even with 3 stimulated cycles each it was dramatically chewer than ivf though of course the success rates are better with ivf so each to their own! Best of luck whichever route you choose- it's defiantly worth all the expense and emotional roller coaster when you have your lo's in your arms

Apologies for all the spelling mistakes in my post- my phone thinks it knows better than I regarding what I'm trying to say!

We went to the London's Womens clinic. Very gay friendly and successful on our 3rd IVF attempt.

opps it was The London Womens' Clinic (Late night yesterday!)

Thanks everyone!

LeninGrad - I hadn't even though of Addenbrookes, Bourn Hall is cheaper than LWC from what I can work out, but the true costs are quite difficult to work out as all the extras aren't added up for you! I am starting to chart now - just got a book which has told me I need to do that. Maybe an electronic OPK is a good move - do the clinics pay attention to all of that when they decide when to inseminate you? With it being out-of-town, I'm a bit worried that I'll always be working when I ovulate!

I will be the one who is trying to get pregnant, and I have fairly regular periods (25-30 day cycles - is that regular enough? I'm not exactly clockwork) My GP has sent me for Day 19 progesterone and a day 2 FSH, LH and prolactin. I'm wondering if I could get a tubal patency test on the NHS too as I've read that there's no point in starting IUI if your tubes aren't clear. Have looked on Gingerbeer and there are a lot of helpful people there too - but I'm not quite up on all the lingo yet, can't make head nor tail of some of it!

Chica1912 - thanks for the reassurance. My partner is very against doing anything which might increase the risk of a multiple birth, which is a shame as without stimulation it is so much harder to get pregnant! I think sher might need to talk it through with the professionals who can hopefully reassure her too.

Othermumherts - Congratulations! do like the look of the LWC but am a bit worried that it's too far away and fairly expensive.