Psychologist report recommending against two 'mummies'

[Lizette]

Hello,

I'm hoping that someone will be able to point me in the direction of some resources / provide advice.

I am the non-biological mother of a gorgeous 17 mth old little girl. Since the breakdown of our CP, things with my ex haven't been easy, especially re contact, however I have PR and I've been able to get a contact order in place after going to court.

My ex does not want me to be part of our daughter's life and has offered me money to walk away, which I am obviously not willing to do.

I have always been referred to as 'mummy' and my ex as 'Mamma'. My ex has said that she does not want me to be called 'mummy' and has produced a psychologists report stating that our daughter will be made to feel 'significantly different from her peers' when she becomes aware that her peers do not have two mummies and has advised against both parents being referred to as mummy/mamma.

This seems like a ridiculously outdated opinion - I would have thought that it would be more confusing and unsettling for the child to change the name by which I am referred to? Especially given that I am no longer living with her, which must be unsettling her enough.

I understand the psychologist who produced the report may actually be a family friend of my ex and staunchly Catholic, so I do intend on getting a second opinion.

Has anybody else encountered anything along these lines / or aware of any research to concur or indeed contradict this advice?

Thanks x

Thanks PP, good points.

No, this was not jointly instructed, rather my ex's own initiative.

If she is planning to submit it to the court / family mediation then I'll definitely proceed with seeking a second opinion (jointly instructed) with agreed questions. I have no doubt that my ex will have concocted a wildly inaccurate scenario when setting the scene with the psychologist or manipulated the question (perhaps inferring that I had started referring to myself as mummy, (not that I had always been referred to as mummy and that our daughter actually knows me by this name).

Thanks again x

LG, I'm not 100% sure what she tends to use it for exactly, but to date she has sent it to her solicitor who has written to me telling me that 'her client' is worried that our daughter will suffer LT effects by having two mummies and that she has a psychologist report to support this.

I can only think that at some point in the not too distant future she will try to appeal the contact order and use this kind of thing to state that I'm not acting in our daughter's best interests if I don't comply with the report (another reason why I'm keen to have a second professional opinion, rather than base this on my own rationale).

The contact order came as a result of my application for an emergency residence order. Though the issues which made the application neccessary are resolved, (I hope), there's still another hearing next month. My fear is that she's trying to create a case for herself to overturn the contact order, which I don't think she has a hope in hell of actually achieving.

As the biological mother, she sees our daughter as 'hers' and in her words 'nothing to do with me'. Obviously when we were together this was not the case, though she would use our daughter as a bargaining tool and regularly threaten to 'take her away' from me. Which was obviously a large factor in why the relationship broke down. She has also received warnings from the police for harassment towards me, so again, I'm very sure this is just a retaliation.

I understand that my ex is in counselling to help her deal with her own issues but so far this doesn't seem to be helping her approach to contact. Rather it seems to get worse.

She is generally making contact difficult, telling me our daughter is not in nursery when I'm due to pick her up (when I checked with nursery, she was!), insisting that she drop her off to me and not allowing me to pick her up from the house either (that I own, pay a mortgage on, but she lives in whilst I rent a room elsewhere), then stating that the arrangement is impractical for her and she wants to stop mid week contact

I would love to say that she will calm down - it is still relatively early days (we separated four months ago and do not have a dissolution yet)though I'm not convinced.

She seems to be getting worse, I think because she wants to take our daughter out the country for a long period of time (3-6 months), which I do not feel is fair as I wouldn't see her for this period which would significantly damage our relationship. With PR, she needs my agreement to take our daughter out of the country for more than 30 days.

Indeed, thank god for PR, without it there is absolutely no way I would be able to have regular contact.

Hi Lizette, this sounds really upsetting - just wanted to offer my support for you. I'm the bio mum of two children and my partner has adopted one of our children and is in the process of adopting the other one. Your story just reinforces the need for legal rights for her. Have you contacted Nat Gamble at all? I'm sure she would have some good advice and knows her stuff re family law. If you posted something on the gingerbeer website (LGBT parents section) in the legal section she'd probably respond and give you some free advice.