Feeling very possessive regarding they are MINE/OURS

[TJSparks]

Has anyone else struggled with this? Me and my partner are currently trying for a baby. I don't know if I'm just feeling annoyed at the moment, I don't know. It might be them. Whenever we talk about the baby and the future, even if I just say something innocent like "I'm not sending my kid to that school". My partner always comes back with "ours, our kid". Yes I know, we are both the parents, but they are physically mine. I am going to carry them and birth them and be their mother. I should have the right to use the word MINE/MY in a sentence. I'm not saying it maliciously, it's just a sentence. When I say, "I cleaned my settee yesterday", I'm not maliciously excluding them. If it's ours, then it's mine, and when they say a sentence they can say mine too. I never really thought about it before, until they started correcting me every time I said something. Do I have the problem, or is it them? Or is it just a complete miscommunication?

Sorry , I think it’s you!
relationships should be inclusive, by saying me and mine you’re excluding your partner

Well, do you not think she might be feeling very insecure about that very fact, that you will be the child's birth mother and she won't? That she is probably feeling like she won't be seen as the baby's "real" mother but just some rando? You're inadvertently reinforcing her fears by insisting on referring to the baby as MINE. It's a common form of speech, yes, but would it kill you to be a bit more sensitive to her feelings and reassure her that it's her baby too?

You really think your child is comparable with a sofa?

Our children are ours, not mine, not his, ours.

She will be their mother as well.

The way you describe carrying them, birthing them and bring their mother, it does sound as though you think that makes a child more yours than your partners, and that would make me worried and insecure about having a baby with you, and I probably would start overreacting to more innocuous comments.

You probably both need to both talk about this a bit more.

Is your partner feeling a bit sensitive as she will not have a genetic link to your child and so is over compensating to an extent?

I think it is pretty normal to refer to "my child" in conversations like the one you describe. In other circumstances it may be less normal to do so. Maybe cut her a little slack if she is being overly sensitive but it might be no harm to have a conversation and explain that you are speaking from your perspective when you say "my" as she might have a different opinion.

I think she's making picking up, whether you realise it or not, that you are already possessive of any future children? You are starting in your post yours, etc- maybe she's worried that you don't value her future role and see yours as the more important one?

No, I wasn't comparing my child to a sofa. I was using an example of when you might say the word MY, even if something belongs to both.

That is exactly it. I'm not saying it to exclude her. And I reassure her all the time that we are both the parents. I've told her of all the things I can't wait for her to do and teach the bairn, how they will probably have her sense of humour and be a prankster. I have no issue with us being parents. She just corrects me EVERY TIME I say MY

Your child isn't even born yet and your excluding your partner... the child is not just yours just because you have carried and birthed that comes as part of parcel in the experience someone has to do it and you have taken on that role.

My OH does this; Me, I, mine.. they don't mean to exclude me they are just fairly self centred (in a low key way) and think of themselves first then me/us.

You sound similar.

I do the same . I refer to my bedroom ... my house instead of ours 😂 DP hates it - I just think it's my own poor grammar

Apologies, I wasn't saying the "I carry and birth them" part to exclude my partner, at all. I meant, regardless of having a partner, surely going through that gives ANY woman the right to use the word MY. Not in a nasty way. It's just a way of speaking. When my partner is at work and says to her friends "eee look at my little baby's first steps" for example. I have no issue with that, it is their baby, and I'm not there, say MY all you like. Everyone does. I just feel like she doesn't like it when I say it..

You may not be saying it deliberately to exclude her, but nonetheless you are excluding her by saying this. She’s asked you not to plenty of times yet you persist. It doesn’t seem like you have enough respect for her feelings.

FWIW I always refer to our children as “ours” not “‘mine”. I just tried out mentally thinking of the usual sentences with “mine” in there while talking to my H and I think it would come across as pointed. He doesn’t say “mine” either, I don’t think. At least, we would neither of us say it much, and certainly not habitually.

That'll be me too 😂

It’s less “excluding” to say it about your child when your partner isn’t there. So if you’re talking to a friend about your child, fine to say “mine”. But not when you’re talking to the child’s other parent.

I think it is fine.
I even call our bedroom, MY bedroom sometimes.
They are absolutely my children, as well as being our children and his children.

Do you do it when you’re talking to your partner, or just in front of them? I am currently pregnant and I have definitely used the

I definitely do this sometimes without thinking about it, I don’t think you’re being particularly weird and obviously they are DHs children too. If she’s sensitive about it, possibly connected to you being the birthing parent rather than her then I think it would be just nice and considerate to try and moderate it to bear her feelings in mind, even though you know you mean nothing by it.

*used the phrase ‘my baby/child’ in front of my partner. I wouldn’t use it when talking to him unless I was purposefully being silly though.

I really hope she rethinks having children with you if that is your attitude. Every time I mediate with separated same sex couples the woman who gave birth calls trumps and it is heartbreaking to watch.

You are being uncaring towards your partner's feelings, at the very least! At worst...unkind. Please don't treat any children you may have as competitive possessions.

(And as for 'my sofa'...surely you'd say 'I've cleaned THE sofa' 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️...I live alone, and bought MY sofa, but even then it would sound odd to use 'my' and not 'the' for an object 🤣)

Now that I think about it, I wouldn't ever say either "my sofa" or "my baby" when speaking to my partner. I'd say "our" or simply "the". (It's not like he wouldn't know which sofa or baby I'd be referring to, after all.) And you already seem to be asserting a greater claim to the baby by saying you will be carrying it. The way you're handling this does seem both possessive and insensitive.

You say ours. It’s not ‘your child’ if you are both parents esp if you are taking in the presence of the other parent. Its both of your child, so I’m not sending our child to that school.
Using my child completely thoughtless, excluding and quite honestly rude and unkind to your partner- the other parent.

Yes but the huge difference is you have enough respect in your partner to use OUR child when they are present in the room!

Maybe it is just where I live and how we speak, or how I was raised. We all use the words the, our and my interchangeably. We don't mean anything by it.
For example, "aw no, I make my bed as soon as I get up, then I do the dishes, sort me washing out and off to the shop. Do you like my new cushions, got them on the sale. No child of mine will be trouble makers!"
These things can either be my, our or the. And I use all of them. I never thought of it as weird until she started correcting me. Which made me become defensive. So perhaps it is just a language thing..