Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should I say something?

28 replies

Dottydot · 04/03/2007 15:10

Ds1's reception class is having an open assembly this Friday - the first one - and the theme is Mummies. They've all painted a picture of their Mummy and they're going to go up, show the picture and say why they love their Mummy. Ds1's got a sentence in his head for both dp (his biological mum) and me (he apparently loves me because I give him lots of treats..! ), but he just told me that his teacher said he could only paint one Mummy, so he's painted dp.

Now I'm not sure if I believe him - it might be that he only wants to do one picture so he's like everyone else - and that's fine - whatever makes him feel OK, but would you check it out with the teacher? I just wouldn't like to think she'd restricted it (am I sounding bonkers though?!).

Thoughts please...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FloatingInSpace · 04/03/2007 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 04/03/2007 15:41

Agree with FiS, have a quiet word with the teacher.

Original poster

Dottydot · 04/03/2007 17:50

Hi,
If he wanted to talk about us both then yes I would ask her to change her mind and would ask why the limit to 1 Mummy when ds has two!

Thinking about it more, it's probably something that's come from him, which is very understandable, particularly at the moment when top of the agenda is Fitting In..!

OP posts:

FloatingInSpace · 04/03/2007 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BizzyDint · 04/03/2007 18:23

maybe he just wanted to draw one mummy so he was doing the same as his class mates?

paulaplumpbottom · 04/03/2007 18:28

Would it hurt your feelings if that was the case?

DimpledThighs · 04/03/2007 18:30

would go the quiet word route as well. It is a good way of giving you a chance to bring up and clarify the issue early on - see it as a good opportunity.

Good luck - let us know how you go.

WanderingTrolley · 04/03/2007 18:36

Do you think he may have misunderstood something she has said - she may have stressed the difference between mums and stepmums, for example, and perhaps he thought she meant for each child to speak about only one mum?

A quiet word with the teacher is definitely the way to go.

Good luck.

PS lol about the lots of treats!

Original poster

Dottydot · 04/03/2007 21:21

I've had a chat with dp and she's going to mention it to ds's teacher tomorrow - very casually, no fuss kind of approach. We're both pretty sure she wouldn't have insisted ds1 just drew one Mummy, in which case it's down to ds.

I've got mixed feelings really - sad that he feels like he needs to only draw one Mummy 'cos that's what everyone else will be doing, but proud in a strange way that he's figured out that'll be the best way to fit in - and the fact that he told me (in a round about way) and kind of prepared me (I'm going to the assembly with dp on Friday) is sooooo sweet - and clever! When we were talking about it before I suggested that when he holds the picture up of dp, that he thinks of me in his head at the same time and that would be just as good, and he liked that idea.

OP posts:

FloatingInSpace · 04/03/2007 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 04/03/2007 21:29

It might be an idea to speak to the teacher, just to check. Also to find out what she will be expecting him to do when it comes to painting daddies!

sunnysideup · 04/03/2007 22:13

Dotty, he sounds adorable, he really does

Totally agree with freckle, a word with the teacher sounds worthwhile AND a useful opportunity, if you haven't had one before, to sound out how they will sensitively deal with the father issue, father's day etc. Sure it won't be an issue just for your ds.

Jimjams2 · 04/03/2007 22:20

I suppose the teacher might have suggested just one if she was worried about mutterings from the other parents during assembly- you know a murmur-you know what people are like- which might be confusing for him. Worth sounding out though and finding out. I do think reception age is a very accepting age. I've always assumed that individual teachers on the whole would be very accepting- hope the system is as well, especially in these days of civil partnerships.

Don't cry will you- ds2 has his first reception assembly recently and I nearly blubbed!

FloatingInSpace · 04/03/2007 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Dottydot · 05/03/2007 21:13

Jimjams - am bound to cry!

So dp asked ds1's teacher this morning and she confirmed that she had indeed told him he could only draw 1 Mummy...

She said it was because there wasn't much room on the stage and so they could each only hold up 1 piece of paper...

She hadn't thought that ds1 could have drawn us both on his one piece of paper, etc. Dp tried to talk to her about it but didn't want to make a fuss and found it hard to not get too emotional - we think it's awful he was put in that position - that he had to choose which Mummy to draw.

So, dp came home very upset and frustrated and our action plan was for me (level headed, calm Dottydot...) to go and talk to the other class teacher (the one in charge) to just say in future could they please be more thoughtful. Anyway, when dp went to pick him up, the other teacher in charge came out and made a point of talking to dp to say he'd done another drawing of me and could hold both up - if there was room...

So, we'll see what happens. I'm sure we're now known as the stroppy lesbian parents, but just a bit of thought in the first place from the teachers would have meant ds1 wouldn't have been put in this position.

And yes, ds's Dad lives down the road - another hurdle to cross near Father's Day..!

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 05/03/2007 21:26

Surely it's probably not wise to make a child stand up and in effect declare their domestic arrangements are different from the others, not because there's anything wrong with that but because mostly chidlren don't want to be pioneers. My sister had her twins by IVF by choice as a single mother and her school deals with father's day very well - they made a card I think for their grandfather instead but basically children don't liike to feel different so I would do whatever ensures they don't i.e. say nothing to anyone on this.

Original poster

Dottydot · 05/03/2007 21:43

Xenia - we're not making him do anything. He told me yesterday he was only allowed to draw one Mummy - I could see this was making him feel awkward - the fact that he told me was enough for me to know this. He's a very quiet, sensitive child and was worried it - he's very into rules and things being right - to him it should have been right to draw 2 Mummies because that's what he's got! Tonight he told me that he drew me this afternoon - and he was relieved.

If he wants to stand up and talk about just one Mummy that's fine with me and dp - I've always been proud that he can adapt to fit in with the situation most of his peers are in, but to be told he could only draw 1 Mummy when he's got 2 was wrong! It should have been up to him, not up to what the teachers thought would work better...

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 05/03/2007 22:30

If the teacher said draw two and no one else did he would have been put in what might have been a difficult position and having to explain it in front of everyone, so the teacher saying draw one might have been best? I don't know really. It just seemed wise, easier on the child.

Freckle · 06/03/2007 09:18

But the chances are that he's already spoken to his classmates about having two mummies, because that's what children do at that age.

If the teacher was aware of the situation at home, then she should have made arrangements so that the child wasn't put in an awkward position or upset. There are so many different household setups these days that I think teachers have to give this sort of thing some thought.

yellowvan · 06/03/2007 09:28

I'm glad you spoke to the teacher Dotty. It annoys me when the mum/dad model is taken as the only expected family, and surely lots of children have more than one mummy figure (step parents, dads' partners, foster or adoptive parents ) shame on the teacher for being so narrow minded and good on you for giving her something to think about.
Enjoy ds's assembly, take a hanky!

Tortington · 06/03/2007 09:35

how rubbish to have to 'chose' a mum - what an unthoughtful teacher to put your loely child in that horrible emotional position.

Zofloyya · 06/03/2007 09:40

He won't have any sense that he's being a pioneer Xenia, he will just think his family is its own kind of normal. Which it is. And no doubt there are other kinds of normal in his class too - it would have been just as bad to make children choose between their biological mum and stepmum, IMO.

Children are often more imaginative and expansive in their understanding of the world than adults, I've found.

NappiesGalore · 06/03/2007 13:24

hello dotty. my mums gay. (not in a cheerful way, shes actually quite stroppy quite a lot of the time -boom boom-) so, anything you need to know from the kid-of-gay-mothers' POV, just ask me (i speak for all of us, obv)

elliott · 06/03/2007 13:38

dotty I think you definitely did the right thing to raise it with the teacher. Pretty insensitive of her imo - and i agree, there may be many other reasons why drawing 'one mummy' might not be right for an individual child (step mother, mother who has died etc etc). in fact, schools should really use this kind of thing to illustrate and celebrate the variety of family relationships their children may experience.

Impatience · 16/03/2007 10:11

I agree with elliott: Schools should expect a variety of family make-ups, and use things like mother's day to educate everyone about it. Although kids seem to be the most informed and least bothered so the educating here might be best applied to the grownups involved! As for making a child feel uncomfortable by standing up and looking different, the uncomfortable thing would be that the teacher's comments might make the child feel that there was something wrong with his family.

Cor, rant over! If it were me I'd have stormed the school and been ever-so-unreasonable.

So, did you both get a pic in the end?

Flip

1 2