DS’s partner is pregnant and i don’t think either of them are prepared

[NeedMoreCoffee12]

Hi all – not really sure where to start and sorry if this is a bit of a jumble, but I could really do with some perspective and a handhold. NCed for this for obvious reasons. Feel free to be gentle or firm, this is all very real and honestly a bit overwhelming.

DS (17) started dating his partner (a trans boy) around this time last year. Then a few months in they started identifying as non-binary, which was totally fine – not a big deal in our house, and I’ve always tried to be open and supportive of who DS is and who he loves.

Fast forward to this year and I find out in February that his partner is pregnant – already 20+ weeks by the time I was told! Cue absolute shock. Apparently it “just happened” despite them saying they were using protection (who knows really?). The baby is due in June and they’re now 33 weeks.

They had a false alarm on Saturday, went into hospital thinking labour had started but were sent home and told to rest. DS’s partner only turned 18 a few weeks ago and has been staying at ours more and more – their home life isn’t the best, they live with elderly grandparents who seem quite hands off.

I’ve tried to talk to DS calmly about what’s coming, how life changing this is, the realities of looking after a newborn – but I just get “we’ve got this” and then brushed off. They’re full of big ideas – matching baby outfits, TikToks, a flatshare after the birth (??) – and while I’m glad they’re not panicking or depressed, I’m not sure they understand this is a real, tiny human they’ll be responsible for 24/7. I don’t think either of them has even held a newborn before.

DS is in the last stretch of college and I really want him to get through it, but I can feel this baby about to derail everything and I don’t think he sees that yet.

I’m trying to support as best I can, especially as his partner is clearly vulnerable, but I’m also feeling a bit lost and worried about how this is all going to work out. I want to help without enabling or taking over. I’m also torn between protecting DS and being there for this baby who had no say in any of this.

I’m trying not to catastrophise but also can’t help thinking they’re not prepared at all.

It’s very hard to convey even to the most interested of people how life changes when you have a newborn.

i thought I was prepared by going to classes and reading books but in some ways you just need to experience it.

that, alongside him being 17 and therefore knowing everything all teens do mean it’s probably not worth trying to have too many conversations before the baby actually arrives.

it probably is worth thinking through what support you are prepared to offer and what not.

you presumably want him to finish college which if he is finishing this year won’t be too long. Will he then be able to look for a job?

how much are flats to rent near you? In some parts of the country this would easily be doable, in others not so much.

Of course they are not prepared. They are a couple of stupid teenagers.

You need to start looking into the benefits that will be available to the gestational parent once the baby is born and how to apply for them. You need to sit down with your son and make him do a budget. He needs to figure out how he is going to manage his education and doing something to support his child financially.

Has he even secured a part-time job?

this is not the time to step back and let them figure it out. It’s the time to explain the very harsh reality of the impending future. They have a limited amount of time to prepare.

This sounds like a bit of a nightmare TBH. Are you planning on the mother living with you long term? If so, you’ll be the one left holding the baby. What do the grandparents make of all this?

I’m more worried about you than them! They’ll be new parents, and pretty much all new parents are clueless and have a steep learning curve. You can’t prepare for all of it! I’m concerned that you are already being very generous, and they might take advantage of that, even unintentionally.

I would make it really clear now how much you are prepared to help, or you might find yourself giving up all of your evenings because you feel you can’t say no and they’re desperate to go out. Who is going to pay for everything? Babies are expensive. How much babysitting will you do? Will you help nights? Are they happy for you to show them how to swaddle, breast feed and sterilise bottles or do they not want any advice from you? Will you eventually charge them rent? I think you need to sit down with them and go through all of these points, and then stick to them. It doesn’t sound like there’s much point in giving them ‘a wake up call’, They’ll learn it all soon enough. Some people are just natural parents too, they might surprise you! And babies have a way of making life revolve around them, no matter what.

I can see you literally being left with the baby as these two swan off into the sunset. If the girl is as vulnerable as you say then Social Services should be involved before you’re completely swamped.

What a mess! Has the adoption route been considered?

My dd 18 and her bf 17 are new dps... Accidentally but quite grounded tbh... They sourced a lot from a local baby bank. Has your area got one?
Dd knows I will help if requested but won't be The Norm. They are flitting between the 2 houses.... By bus not expecting lifts..
Maybe offer to help draw up a list of Necessities and a Luxury list?
Be around for any mw visits.. Ime they wil want to meet both families... Appearing supportive will maintain your relationship with you dc even when strangulation with a belt wil be crossing your mind....

They need social work involvement. Also, is she taking any hormones / blockers which could cause problems ?

How old is she? It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen - is adoption an option. I feel very sorry for you and the baby. Are SS involved? Is the mother at college too?

DS doesn’t have a part-time job, no. We’ve encouraged him but between college and now all this going on, he’s not made any real effort. I think in his head everything will just “work out” somehow. It’s like they’re both playing house and not quite grasping the enormity of what’s coming.

Re: the mother (I still trip over what to call them tbh – they go by they/he but are carrying the baby, so it’s a lot to get my head around) – no official plan for her to live here long term but… it’s kind of happening by default. She’s here 5-6 nights a week. I don’t think her grandparents are very engaged at all. They’re very elderly, and from what I can tell, have more or less just let her do what she wants for years. I’ve spoken to them once and they were polite but distant. They seem completely out of their depth and just keeping out of it.

They both met at college but she dropped out at some point last year – I only found that out recently too. No job, no real support network. It’s all a bit… fragile.

Adoption was brought up gently when I first found out but they were both very firm – they’re keeping the baby, no discussion. I’m trying to respect that but it’s hard when I can see what a struggle this could become. I don’t think they’ve had any proper social worker involvement – just midwife and scans etc. Should there be more at this stage?

Not sure re: hormones/blockers – I don’t think they’re on anything, but again I only know what I’m told, and I wasn’t told about the pregnancy for 5+ months so… who knows?

I’m trying not to judge but yes, it does feel like a slow-motion car crash. I’ve got this creeping feeling it’ll fall to me when reality kicks in and they realise this isn’t a cute little project, it’s a 24hr job.

Thanks again – helps just to write it all down if nothing else.

It's also worth considering that very few relationships in this situations survive. It's likely they will split under the stress after baby is born, not guaranteed of course but as you already see, they are not in the strongest position before the baby is here.

I would hope that Ds would step up in those circumstances but it's so easy for young men to walk away, if he remains in education he won't even need to financially contribute. I think you are right to be wary.

In your position I would try to cultivate a good relationship with the partner, independent of ds. Goodness knows it sounds like she needs support from somewhere, she sounds very vulnerable. This doesn't mean commiting more then you feel able too of course but even emotional support might make a world of difference.

They will find out soon enough.
You won't be thanked for trying to tell them anything in advance.
Have a look to see if there are any local groups for young parents which might be supportive after the baby arrives.
Think what they will need to get through the first day home, then the first week. Are they planning to bring the baby home to your house?
Try not to panic, just be one step ahead.
Absolutely encourage them to engage with the midwives and health visitors.

Remind them that breastfeeding won’t provide contraception. They sound quite naïve.

As tempting as it may be to let them all live with you, these relationships rarely survive. You have an extremely vulnerable mother. making secure housing dependent on a teenage relationship is not a good idea. The grandparents aren’t likely to provide a good home. Help advocate with the council for the mother to have housing. Your son can visit and help a lot. He doesn’t need to live there.

Btw, ask her or your son directly what name and words are preferred and then use them. Even if it chafes, not that your posts indicate any issues there, but we all have our limits. You need a good relationship with the parent of your grandchild. I have found with my child’s friends that most of them will take it well if you just ask when you aren’t sure. Also if you mess up, just apologize mid sentence and keep talking. Don’t make it a big deal.

First of all you need to stop fancying about with their nonsense that they are in anyway LGBTQ etc.
He's a man and she's a woman and they have made an offspring because that's what happens when you put a penis in a vagina without being careful. Neither of them are non binary, as has been proven.

You also need to stop pretending she hasn't moved in, she essentially has (a big mistake on your part) .

They can be adamant all they like that they're keeping that baby but you don't need to have them all living in your house and supporting them. They need to work out now how they are going to support themselves and a child.

Refreshing to see someone calling a spade a spade.

The big question to ask is how they are planning to fund this. And I would want a plan, that didn’t involve “we’re expecting you to pay for it”.

I would also want to know what they are planning on calling each other / expecting the baby to call them. Have they actually come up with an idea about how their family will look? They can bang on about non-binary nonsense, but essentially they are a traditional family unit and they need to think about how they will label themselves (and how they expect others to label them).

They may surprise you. My child made me a grandparent when they were 17 and again 18 months later. They are 25 now and married to their partner and have created a lovely home for their kids. Both have graduated from Uni taking it in turns to go as the other was the house parents. One is doing their Masters and the other is in an amazing well paid job. Zero financial help from me but practically I’ve helped as much as I can baring in mind I’m not old and still working full time myself. Don’t write them off too quickly. Guide them with things they are getting wrong because what first time parent doesn’t get some things wrong and encourage on what they are doing well

I think the main thing is you need to have a serious chat about where they are going to live when the baby is born and how are they going to provide for the baby- I would make it clear it is there baby there responsibility

I think you need to take a deep breath and start on some tough love, no tiptoeing around them both anymore. They need a wake up call. He needs a job, now more than ever (although I think regardless it’s ridiculous for a child that age not to have a part time job). You sound lovely but they need a wake up call, and probably you do too.

Well your son has fathered a child, so he needs a job! Honestly, who is he expecting to fund this baby?

You will very likely be left holding this baby & paying for it if you don’t put boundaries in now. I really feel for you, but you need to be tough from the start.

This really. Not sure why it is in LGBT.

I feel very sorry for you op and the baby of course. It’s a bit of a mess. I would echo the above and contact SS. You also need to find out if the mother to be is on testosterone. You should be able to tell as she may have facial hair and her voice might be deeper. They are about to become a child’s mother and father so they need to grow up sharpish. You need to sit them down and find out what they plan to do. I would stop letting her stay over so much. Put boundaries in place now.