Son has come out gay and best friend is boyfriend

[user19019091]

DS 15 has come out of gay and has told me that his best friend who has regular sleepovers at our house and his is his boyfriend.
Now I don't know what to do, should I put a stop to the sleepovers even though they have been happening for over 3 months.
He's my eldest so not been in this situation before.

hi, I am sorry no one has responded yet as I am sure this situation is troubling you. I am sure others have had similar situations so hope someone can offer wisdom (I recall a similar question about a lesbian daughter).
a few questions/thoughts:

1. do you know the parents of your son’s friend/boyfriend? Do you know if their son has told them about the relationship? If yes to either, could you speak with them and agree a plan?
2. if they are under the age of consent, you might have law on your side if you want to pause sleepovers for a while? (I do not know what is legal amongst teens.)
3. if you had a 15 year old daughter who wanted sleepovers with her 15 year old boyfriend (or vice versa), what do you think you would say/do?
4. presumably if your son is becoming sexually active, he needs advice about STDs and also about things such as devices used by gay men to enhance pleasure (plugs, rings, etc — of which I have only very scant knowledge). If you are not knowledgable about gay sex, perhaps you need to find some good resources so you can be as supportive of your son as you would be of a heterosexual son or daughter.

hope someone else can offer more specific advice. Best wishes

Would you react differently if 'best friend' was a girl. Are they same age? It's fantastic your DS trusts you enough to have come out so young, it says a huge amount for your relationship. My DS came out at 16 so I understand what's going through your mind. From talking to him now I see that at that age they aren't likely to engage in full sex but it would still be good to talk to him about safe sex. I wouldn't encourage sleepovers with the friend, only because they can then get a bit too involved at that age. Encourage him to go out on dates etc with the bf, maybe come for dinner at yours but then they go out and do something and return to own houses.

I think I'd have a blanket ban on no sleepovers if in a relationship at that age, regardless of sexuality etc, however, I agree that it's the time for open discussions around sex, again, as you would if any child had a partner at that age. It's great he felt able to tell you this, keep that communication open, sure there must be loads of online resources available these days for children and their parents although, sorry I can't signpost you but that's how I would handle this.

I think you should behave exactly as you would if the boyfriend was a girlfriend.

Have a conversation about consent and sex etc.

Would you let him share a room with a girlfriend at 15?

Oh thats lovely, he may have read it, but there is a great book called “Yay! You’re gay! Now what?!

You just use the rules you would use if he was straight. Bit odd that a poster above jumped to sex toys.

Not sure about point 4. I wouldn't have wanted my parents to teach me about sex toys or sexual pleasure at any age never mind at 15! He can learn elsewhere

Agree point 4 is very weird. Plenty of gay men use sex toys, plenty do not! Plenty of straight people do and do not too! That’s a strange assumption/stereotype particularly among teenagers!!!

People saying what if it were a straight daughter with a boyfriend are missing two crucial things that make teenage sex life particularly dangerous: pregnancy and pressure. Because gay men cannot get pregnant one of the major risks of teenage sex is removed. Also there seems to be a socially pervasive heterosexual relationship pattern in which boys are generally pushier about having sex than girls. I would worry about a daughter feeling pressured, but I'm not sure how this applies to same sex relationships. But mainly the pregnancy thing.

In general, I actually think that "do whatever you do for straight children" is bad advice, built on heteronormativity. It's fine to take this situation as it is presenting itself to you, involving these two people, without applying the mould you would use for imaginary other children.

I would ask yourself:

• are you comfortable with your son being sexually active at home?
• are you comfortable with him spending that amount of time with a boyfriend?
• what can you do to support your son as he navigates this early relationship? What rules and environment would best help him?

For my part, I'm glad I wasn't allowed boys over at that age, but your son might feel differently. Having a friend over and a boyfriend over are very different, even if it's the same person!

I am surprised several of you think my point 4 is “weird”. while neither OP nor son might want to engage in a discussion about sex, it is important for OP to be aware of the needs and interests of (some) gay men in order to understand her son’s world.

He's fifteen, even if his "world" involves sex toys I doubt he wants to discuss them with his parents.

I'm beginning to suspect you might not be on the level.

I agree with a previous poster…..when pregnancy isn’t an issue then the “no sleepovers” rule doesn’t seem so applicable.

At the end of the day OP, the sleepovers have already been happening for 3 months so nothing different is going to happen that hasn’t already been happening.

I would talk to him about safe sex and not feeling pressured etc in the same way a heterosexual teen would be spoken to, but if I’m honest, I wouldn’t feel too twitched about the sleepovers for the reason I mentioned.

I would be asking the BF if his parents know about the relationship as that may be a factor that may have to be taken into consideration.

If the BF’s parents don’t know and they find out you allowed “under age” sleepovers when you did know they were in a relationship, without taking into account how his parents might feel about it…..well that could cause a bit of a messy situation.

First of all congratulations for raising a son who feels he can trust you enough to come out and share this with you.

I think some of the responses are looking at this from a point of view of heteronormative relationships.

Your son indeed needs to be aware of issues around safe sex and consent but as a straight woman might not be the best to cover all the aspects of. You might want to look up some advice from charities that support young LGBTQ+ people and their family and read up on how best to approach this.

There are also other issues to consider: although we live in a more tolerant world, there is still some homophobia around so there is an additional safety aspect to consider unfortunately as to how the relationship will be viewed by the outside world. Especially if you are not living in a big city where same sex couples will be more common. Your son and his boyfriend might face some additional challenges because of that in living their relationship in the open.

This is why I would consider letting your son continuing with the sleep overs and seeing his boyfriend at your house. Because this is a safe space. What you don't want is these kids feeling like they have to try to get into gay nightclubs or bars (they are too young for this obviously) or in public places to be physical with each other because more risks come associated with that.

Basically yes be a concerned and supportive parent but avoid the Victorian approach (if I don't have him staying at my house they won't have sex thinking is just naive) or only looking at this as it was a boy/girl relationship.

Agree with @Greenwitchhorse, except that if DS has younger siblings, you do need to look at the precedent in terms of who they would think they can have to sleep over when they are of age too.

Quite - “and now I’ll demonstrate to you how to safely insert a butt plug - on your dad”

@Inamuddle36 straight or gay it would be super bloody weird to discuss sex toys and preferences with your kids. I certainly managed to find my way around these things without advice from my mum 😳

@GodessOfThunder 😂😂😂