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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

11 year old daughter has a crush on a girl

27 replies

Elle2208 · 15/05/2023 10:17

Hello all,

I have an amazing almost 11 year old girl. She is fun, kind, empathetic, has an amazing sense of humor and is extremely loving. She's also dyslexic and lacks self esteem. She doesn't have close friends at school and she is described by other kids as "weird".

We have been working with a child psychiatrist to see how we can help her with that, but now a new factor has come into the equation: one of her friend's mum called me and told me that my daughter confided in her friend that she has a crush on another girl. Please note that English is not our mother language, but she goes to an international school and the kids tend to speak in English amongst them. She did not go into details, she just told her friend the name of the girl.

The problem is that this girl is a bully. She has been known to have such issues and to also create major issues to other children, mostly vulnerable and quiet.

My question is: how do i protect her from being ridiculed by this girl, if she shows how she feels about her? Knowing how that child has behaved in the past, I'm sure it will be devastating for my daughter and she will be bullied relentlessly. On the other hand we wouldn't want to expose her friend, or make her feel that she did sth wrong.

Our doctor tells us that crashes (on boys or girls) at this age are expected that we should pretty much do nothing.

I will not lie. Knowing that our child might be gay is not the easiest thing to digest. In any case, though, we love her unconditionally and our only hope for her is to be healthy and happy. And we make sure she knows that.

If the crush was on any other kid, we would let it go. But knowing that she runs the risk of being completely isolated at school, because of that bully scares the hell out of us.

Any thoughts / ideas / advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

ps: please excuse any language mistakes - as said, English is not my mother language :)

OP posts:
FatGirlSwim · 15/05/2023 10:22

Why’s it ‘not the easiest thing to digest’? Is there a cultural issue with homosexuality? Another parent calling you to tell you this seems crazy to me unless there’s a cultural context.

You do nothing. They’ll have crushes on all kinds of people. Why have you spoken to a doctor about it?

The other child might be unkind, but so might a boy, and if so all you can do is support your dd. Stay out of it unless she chooses to talk to you about it?

MiserableOldHag · 15/05/2023 10:29

You don’t ‘do’ anything other than support your little girl who by the sounds of it is going through a hard time. She might be gay, she might not, it doesn’t matter. It’s not something for adults to be gossiping or speaking to doctors about. If your child is bullied, deal with that situation.

DPotter · 15/05/2023 10:30

Girl to girl crushes are totally normal at 11. It's about identifying with a role model and although it seems strange your DD has focused her crush on a girl who bullies it isn't. She's trying to identify with a person she sees as strong, positive girl who she wishes to emulate.

This does not mean she's gay.

All you can do is offer her support and good positive role models and friendship. Widen her friendship group away from school with extra curricular activities. I usually recommend a martial art as there's a lot of emphasis on personal responsibility and mutual respect.

MustardChair · 15/05/2023 10:30

Firstly as a totally heteroexual woman I can tell you I had laods of crushes on girls as a pre-teen and teen. It was not sexual so much- more that they had something I desired for myself - like friends, or beauty or popularity or whatever and my developing brain translated the admiration I felt into a crush. So the psych is right- it's normal at this age and does not neccessarily mean your DD is lesbian (or bi).

You don't have to put a label or categorise her. If she is lesbian or bi she is still your same precious child. If that worries you then I would gently encourage you to seek someone you can talk to openly about your worries like a therapist. I have no doubt at all it feels scary and confronting especially if there are cultural issues as you say.

If the girl is a bully then this potentially does cause problems as you have identified. All you can do is support her, be alert to any bullying and address it promptly with the school. And support your DD unconditionally as you have already made clear you do.

best wishes to you all. Thanks

Toolight · 15/05/2023 10:31

I too would find it difficult to digest if my child was gay. Purely because I would be scared of the impact of homophobia. My son’s best friend is gay and he’s witnessed some struggles.

TallulahBetty · 15/05/2023 10:38

I think the issue is that she has a crush on a bully, not that it's a girl, is that right?

Original poster
Elle2208 · 15/05/2023 10:57

Thank you all very much for your comments.
To address some:

  • Yes, my issue is that her crush is a bully. She already struggles socially at school and I'm afraid it would escalate.
  • Also yes, we live in a country (not the US) where homophobia is still very much present, unfortunately, causing people to struggle. We, as a family have always condemned such beliefs.
I love her so much and it hurts to see her struggle.
OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 16/05/2023 18:25

I am not sure why having a ‘crush’ on a girl is supposed to mean she is homosexual?

It used to be very common for girls her age and young teens to take a passionate liking to someone and admire them without it meaning anything sexual at all. In some European countries you see young girls holding hands, doing everything together without it being sexual.

thekindlyone · 16/05/2023 21:10

ScrollingLeaves · 16/05/2023 18:25

I am not sure why having a ‘crush’ on a girl is supposed to mean she is homosexual?

It used to be very common for girls her age and young teens to take a passionate liking to someone and admire them without it meaning anything sexual at all. In some European countries you see young girls holding hands, doing everything together without it being sexual.

Some people do know at that age.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/05/2023 22:06

thekindlyone · Today 21:10

ScrollingLeaves · Today 18:25

I am not sure why having a ‘crush’ on a girl is supposed to mean she is homosexual?

It used to be very common for girls her age and young teens to take a passionate liking to someone and admire them without it meaning anything sexual at all. In some European countries you see young girls holding hands, doing everything together without it being sexual.

Some people do know at that age.

They may, and if they do, and are sure, that is them knowing something about themselves for themselves.

But that is different from other people assuming that same sex passionate friendships, or the intense admiration of one girl for another, is a sign that a girl is a lesbian. This sort of friendship or admiration is a well known developmental stage.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/05/2023 22:08

thekindlyone · Today 21:10
said Some people do know at that age

AlantheDog · 16/05/2023 22:10

I had a girl to girl unrequited crush at 11 or 12. A bit like living a popstar from afar, I think it's sometimes nature's way of enabling you to safely practice big feelings.

I am not the slightest bit gay, married 25 years with 4 kids....

Elle2208b · 17/05/2023 09:30

AlantheDog · 16/05/2023 22:10

I had a girl to girl unrequited crush at 11 or 12. A bit like living a popstar from afar, I think it's sometimes nature's way of enabling you to safely practice big feelings.

I am not the slightest bit gay, married 25 years with 4 kids....

Hi all,

OP here, having issues with logging in.

My major issue right now is how to talk to her about it, without making her feel that i dont respect her privacy and without exposing the friends she talked to. We did try to have a conversation with her yesterday and she adamantly denied having a crush on anyone.
At the same time another friend’s mum told me that Dd confided in her daughter about the crush.

I want to have an open conversation with her, but she won’t talk to me or my dh. I want her to understand that there is nothing wrong with her and that we love her no matter what. But i also want to advise her to talk to people she trusts - please remember the crush in question is a known bully…

JeannieAlogy · 17/05/2023 09:38

I don't think you need to talk about it, as such. Not a big 'let's sit down and talk about your crushes'.
In general conversation you can talk about positive role models, and people who seem strong (and why). You can talk about your own experiences at school, whether you were bullied, how it was handled and how things are different now.
You could talk about being the same age and the crushes you had...

At 11, 12 13, certainly from my experience, kids don't want to be put under a microscope and have every passing comment analysed. They may be gay, they may not, they may be curious or confused. Our role as parents is to help them navigate their path throughchildhood, support them, keep them safe, and be approachable.

FatGirlSwim · 17/05/2023 10:34

I wouldn’t push her, op, if you back off she’s far more likely to talk to you.

I have a gay child (or feels she’s gay at the present time) and it’s not something I give any thought to.

I definitely knew I was gay at 11.

She may not want to talk to you about her crushes. That is normal and ok. Just have more general conversations about friendships, trust and people treating you well? Don’t be intrusive and put her in a position where she has to ‘vehemently deny’ anything or she’ll never tell you anything.

What I’m learning whilst parenting older kids / teens is that often you have to let things play out, support them through it whilst not trying to control the outcome. You’re not going to be able to protect your dd from pain and heartbreak but you can be an ally and a guide.

Elle2208b · 18/05/2023 06:00

Hi all

Thank you for your replies and the interest you’ve shown.

I agree, there should be no more discussions for some time (to our defence none of them was a sit down), they were quite general about crushes, trust, etc. We did ask if she has a crush, she said no.

I’m thinking of having a convo with her, now, after some time passes, about the specific girl. Tell her that people I trust have told me that she has been a bully, etc. I think she should know. What’s your view on that?

A commenter (spelling?) asked why we talked to the doctor. We have already been talking to one, since she has been isolated recently at school and she has been having difficulties with her dyslexia diagnosis. If we add to that her being gay or at least confused, I would like to help her, through therapy, to be strong enough to deal with any kind of bullying she might come across and never forget to love her beautiful self. Up until now he hasn’t referred us to a therapist, but next time we see him in June, I think I will ask him about it.

Also (please excuse the lengthy text) the doc suggested that we talk to her and try and understand how she perceives the word “crush”, how does this girl make her feel. How do we do that without a sit down?

I know i’ve out a lot of questions forward.

Thanks for even taking the time to read them ❤️

Have a great day!

TallulaRose · 18/05/2023 06:06

“I will not lie. Knowing that our child might be gay is not the easiest thing to digest. In any case, though, we love her unconditionally and our only hope for her is to be healthy and happy.”

This is blatantly homophobic. What a horrible attitude.

FatAgain · 18/05/2023 06:08

It wouldn’t occur to me to be bothered about either of my children being gay. But I know that’s not what your real issue is.

You need to work on the self esteem - isolation side and help her with her boundaries. I actually think the best way is to model that yourself .

Original poster
Elle2208 · 18/05/2023 09:19

TallulaRose · 18/05/2023 06:06

“I will not lie. Knowing that our child might be gay is not the easiest thing to digest. In any case, though, we love her unconditionally and our only hope for her is to be healthy and happy.”

This is blatantly homophobic. What a horrible attitude.

I find your comment insulting and totally uncalled for.
I think I made it clear that the issue here is not the fact that she is/might be/will be gay. The issue is that our social and political context here where we live makes it had for the LGBTQ+ community to live freely.
I hope I was clear this time.

OP posts:
TallulaRose · 18/05/2023 18:41

How is ‘in any case we would love her unconditionally’ not homophobic? You have articulated two scenarios, presented one as less preferably and then tried to rationalise it by talking about society. Your bigotry is really clear.

ScrollingLeaves · 18/05/2023 20:13

TallulaRose · Today 18:41
How is ‘in any case we would love her unconditionally’ not homophobic? You have articulated two scenarios, presented one as less preferably and then tried to rationalise it by talking about society. Your bigotry is really clear.

I don’t think this helps support the OP in finding a constructive way to help her daughter.

TallulaRose · 18/05/2023 20:40

Homophobia diminishes everyone. If she was racist or ableist, would you be telling me to ignore it too?

ScrollingLeaves · 18/05/2023 21:03

TallulaRose · Today 20:40
Homophobia diminishes everyone. If she was racist or ableist, would you be telling me to ignore it too?

You have misinterpreted what I said.

Elle2208b · 19/05/2023 07:02

I had to google bigotry 😏
i’m not here to fight with anyone and i appreciate everyone who took the time to comment.
To make it clear again, personally I couldn’t care less if my dd is gay, bi or whatever makes her happy. It’s how people will treat her that makes me worry (given the cultural background i have described). She’s very sensitive and vulnerable and I’m trying to figure out ways to help her acquire the mental and emotional tools that will help her stronger. And right now I’m not sure how to do that.

JeannieAlogy · 19/05/2023 08:27

I'd struggle to live in a country that was so backward thinking and intolerant.