Has anyone ever seen a therapist to help them (as an adult) deal with issues surrounding their child?

[RIPDotCotton]

As the above title says really. Lots of issues with oldest DD. Suspect she has ADD (she’s 18) and she is definitely gay (that’s not the issue!)
She has cut her hair, wears only male clothing, sometimes wears a binder and has now stopped shaving everywhere so visible moustache/leg hair.
Whilst she has a right, as a woman, to make those choices, we suspect this is a precursor to her wanting to make permanent gender choices and her Dad and I don’t agree on the way to deal with it.
I have tried explaining to him that I feel watchful waiting would be best- certainly not blindsiding her with a conversation about her choices when clearly she isn’t ready to talk to us. He wants to ‘help’ her but from what I see that means forcing a conversation she isn’t ready to have. He feels seeing a therapist for us, as parents, would help.
Whilst I’m not totally against it, I honestly don’t feel it would help me. What are our choices if she does suddenly want to go the medical route- we either support her 100%- something I don’t feel I could do until she is older (at least 23/24) for many reasons not least that her brain isn’t fully developed until then! Or we wait, love her, talk to her when she’s ready but don’t agree to funding anything medical (we are in the US so even with insurance there are big costs involved with medical issues)
Has anyone seen a therapist as a parent? Was it helpful? I’m quite an introvert so talking isn’t my go to- plus there is a whole other level that the marriage isn’t in a good place so I wouldn’t feel comfortable on that level either. But I would do it if it helped me as a parent if that makes sense?
Thanks in advance.

I have a trans identifying child which I have found hard to deal with as they have autism and associated mental health difficulties which, in my view, are the root cause of their problems rather than ‘being born in the wrong body’. I have considered therapy to help me deal with this but decided against going down this road. Many therapists are believers of gender ideology and are likely to view me as transphobic. It costs a lot of money and I don’t think there would be any benefit. I am a member of an online parent support group instead and I have found that helpful. They are a very thoughtful group and I feel less alone.

I’m a therapist and have worked with patents whose children have chronic mental health issues (schizophrenia, etc…) as well as worked with parents whose children identify as trans, and I also have trans and nonbinary patients.

Its hard to find the happy medium in working with a client/parent or spouse who is fundamentally opposed to accepting the other person’s experience as valid. Not because I think the schizophrenic child is right that they don’t have schizophrenia, or because I think the trans or non binary child is right that they are trans or non binary. I’m not taking sides. But the person in the room is the one who has to do the work of either accepting the child’s situation or rejecting it AND THE CHILD.

Will you, nill you your child becomes who they choose to be. Your only real choice is accept and love them or pressure and reject them.

**parenthetically I want to point out that OP complains that her child refuses to shave off het body hair, choosing to embrace her natural self rather than conforming to rigid and outdated sexist fashion norms. Isn’t shaving off natural body hair just a socially approved form of body sculpting that OP thinks is normal? How about dieting to death or breast enlargement or other cosmetic surgery to enhance feminine characteristics for females? Op’s child wants to sculpt herself in a different way to achieve diffetent goals. That is her prerogative and ultimately not OPs choice.

Pikkumyy77:
(1) OP doesn’t comment on her daughter’s decision not to shave, other than to say she thinks it might be a precursor to other gender-related decisions.
(2) could you please explain the rationale behind affirming whatever a trans youth says? As opposed to trying to understand what might be motivating dysmorphia?
(3) do you think there is a links between ADD and/or autism spectrum and increase in trans ideation amongst young women? If so, would it make sense to address and treat ADD/autism prior to medicalising dysmorphia?

In your position I would focus firstly on the suspected ADD. Can you support your daughter to see a consultant to rule it in/out? And the same with autism? I would put the money into this in preference to therapy.

Secondly I would focus on her sexuality. Does she have strong positive female gay role models? Do you watch programs with female gay presenters together? Does she have a “roadmap” for how she can be a woman who loves other women?

And then I’d cross my fingers and hope!

I completely agree with @Namechange224422

Also you might find this interesting to read

https://bprice.substack.com/p/trans-is-something-we-made-up

Can I ask which online parent support group you are part of?

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Are you allowed to pm me the name of the online support group. Re my other post, I do need support right now as I have none in real life:(

Apologies - I realized you already replied a while ago and I missed it!

I haven't sought therapy/counselling for my adult child's gender issues, but I did for a different issue when DC was much younger. The counsellor (not formally a therapist) said that she didn't know anything about the specific issue and I said that was fine, I told her what I knew about my DC and what I was learning about DC's issue and she helped me deal with my feelings about it and find solutions that worked for me. She was extremely helpful to me and (as a result) to DC.

You might have to explore the therapist's approach before you commit to working with them. I personally wouldn't want to work with a therapist or counsellor who says "Your only real choice is ...." unless I had brought that dilemma to the therapist myself. I would expect them to ask me what I thought the choices were and the consequences and how I felt about them.

My child is older and an independent adult (with an ASC) and I know they have to navigate this for themselves. So my issue is not how to accept and love my child, it is (a) coping with the grief and shock because I don't care what sex my child is but I really do care that they're putting themselves on a pathway to permanent ill health and infertility (b) how to accept, love and support my child while figuring out how to raise questions and how to remain true to myself.

A couple of resources that I found helpful:

The Gender - A Wider Lens podcast series from Stella O'Malley and Sasha Ayad. There are a lot of episodes now, but you can start with a couple of the early ones and then pick and choose from the rest. They are very thoughtful and thought provoking.

This really lovely piece (from the Bayswater site) by a parent on Parenting a Young Adult with Gender Dysphoria