Daughter has a crush on a girl

[littlebeebop]

Hello,

Looking for a little bit of advice. My 11 year old girl told me that she has a crush on her friend at school. She was very embarrassed when she told me and said she's not sure she understands how she's feeling but that she hasn't felt this way about any other girls.

Over the years we've been very open and spoken lots about different types of sexuality and she knows that to me it doesn't matter who or what she is interested in so I'm very pleased she has come to me with this.

I just don't know where to go from here, Is there any good websites or videos I can show her to help her understand maybe what she is feeling? Do we just leave it at that conversation and see what happens?
I know at her age they are finding themselves and with hormones etc they are exploring their identity but I just want to be able to help her a little along the way.
I don't want to push her but at the same time I don't want her to struggle with her feelings.

Thanks

[CountryCousin]

But struggling with one’s feelings is exactly what growing up involves. Can that really be completely ironed out with videos and websites?

Having a crush isn’t an issue or a problem or a condition. It doesn’t require intervention. Great that she shares things with you - but I wouldn’t make it a bigger thing than it is.

[Tellthemagain]

not sure what there is to try and resolve really. every child has crushes at some point. the fact its another girl is irrelevant if you've told her it doesn't matter either way, and she knows not to be over the top as the crush may not always feel the same (whatever sexuality they are)

[makingmiracles]

I’m in a similar situation. My 11yr old dd received a rose and a card for Valentine’s Day from a girl at school. I haven’t approached the subject yet but plan on having a chat over half term. I’m happy whatever she wants but at 11 I’d rather she didn’t label herself, I don’t think they know what they want for a few years yet. She’s quite young for her age, hasn’t got a phone, still plays with dolls and playmobil etc, I think it’s mostly com8ng from the other girl at the moment and I don’t want her to feel pushed into it or anything. I’m not going to make a big deal out of it as a lot of children will say they’re gay/bi etc at this age then go on to have heterosexual relationships later on, in a way, with how everything is much,more accepted nowadays some of it is just finding ways to fit in and is more of a phase than anything.

[KittenKong]

I think it’s common isn’t it - part of growing up? Lots of students have crushes on their teachers (of either sex) too.

I think at that age you can’t really distinguish between romantic love and someone that you think is just wonderful.

Explain that a crush may well not feel the same way (so best to be cautious either way) and 11 is still a little young to be having a boyfriend/ girlfriend anyway.

No labels - they aren’t helpful. She might be gay - I suspect if she is finding this confusing and out of the blue, then she might not (that’s just from my experience of relatives - it was always fairly ‘known’ which were gay from a young age, and thankfully my family are mostly pretty cool with that).

I’d not make a deal of it. Maybe have some role models around - who is that Olympic boxer (Adams? I forget her name - she did the dancing show). When I was a kid it was Martina Navratilova.

[AlexaShutUp]

I agree that you're overthinking this. It's pretty normal for 11yo kids to have crushes. Whether it's a girl or a boy is irrelevant really. No need to do anything at this stage.

It sounds like you have a nice, open relationship with her, so just keep talking.

[KittenKong]

Of you want to give her a giggle - show her photos of your crushes at her age! That would have been …my goodness, Duran Duran?

[cherrysthename]

I'd do absolutely nothing.

[MerryMarigold]

How would you react if she told you about a crush on a boy? What would you advise her? (I'm assuming you wouldn't advise her to pursue a relationship). I don't think it needs to be much different at this age. I like the idea of sharing your crushes so she knows how normal it is.

[TheSongAboutMe]

Would you be looking for websites and videos if she liked a boy? It’s a normal age to start feeling attraction to others. I don’t think you need to do anything other than reassure her that it’s normal and she’s likely to feel the way she does about others in the future.
Discussions around healthy relationships, consent, self esteem etc are really important and should be ongoing throughout childhood in an age appropriate way.
Be glad she’s comfortable to talk to you but don’t make a big thing about it... because it’s not.

[littlebeebop]

I've explained to her that it's no different to liking a boy, I'm not trying to iron out or resolve anything and obviously nothing is wrong here. I haven't made a big deal out of it when she has told me, But she's come to me and is feeling very confused about these feelings. She feels different as all her friends are talking about boy crushes and I was hoping for something to help her realise that it's absolutely normal for this to be happening.

I know she's too young for a relationship, that won't be happening and she knows the other person doesn't feel the same way, she's smart enough to not make this into an issue.

[KittenKong]

Smart kid. I suppose she just wanted to hear that this is normal - doesn’t ‘mean’ she is definitely gay, or straight…

[Ohyesiam]

Classic early adolescent stuff, I think at that she we are meant to struggle with our feelings to a certain extent, it’s what develops and integrates us.
Possibly more so for sensitive/ insightful individuals.

You have developed a good relationship with her though, great that she wants to talk about it. I’d Leave it there, or if the occasion arises naturally, just let her know that feeling unresolved, questioning our feelings , and feeling different are all a really valid part of life. But from what you’ve said , I think you already have.

[Teenylittlefella]

I had a crush on an older girl at my (girls') school when I was 11 or so. I have never since had such a physical reaction to anyone - giggling, blushing, pounding heart, the full works. We all had crushes. It was an accepted part of growing up. We never did anything sexual whatsoever.

I am heterosexual and have been married for 30 years. No interest in fannies in a sexual way at all.

[liveforsummer]

This is all very normal for the age. Dd used to come home in the last year of primary so 10/11 and tell me about her friends who had 2 crushes a boy crush and a girl crush etc. I don't think you need to 'do' anything more than you are doing. Soon other girls will start sharing their girl crushes too

[KittenKong]

My sister had crushes on boys at that age… she is gay (not bi) so I guess it’s all about feeling new emotions at that age?

[PineappleCakes]

She feels different as all her friends are talking about boy crushes and I was hoping for something to help her realise that it's absolutely normal for this to be happening.

I think what helped my daughter was the first time we went to Foyles book shop and she discovered their YA LGB section. She was thrilled and spent ages browsing and we bought several books.

Seeing same sex stories in print, on the bookshelves, really "normalised" things, even though we already had LGB friends in our family.

[KittenKong]

Remind her that not everyone discusses ‘everything’ and there is always a worry about saying your true feelings.

I didn’t really ‘fancy’ boys at primary (I was a year younger that they class and pretty young for my age) so to ‘fit in’ I pretended to like a boy (who was gay so he was happy to play along so that he didn’t get teased for not liking any girls).

[Joystir59]

What's remotely wrong with her fancying a girl? There is nothing to address or worry about whatsoever. Perhaps it means she is a lesbian. So what?

[KittenKong]

Bullying - that’s what’s ‘wrong’. Bullying that will potentially follow her to high school. It’s not right but it exists.

I was bullied from primary until I left school because my sister is gay. People suck.

[TottersBlankly]

Although - KittenKong, you’re presumably not 11 years old now? I’d imagine school culture has moved on since you were a pupil?

(Although what pertains now does seem pretty horrifying. I’m glad I’m not at school now.)

[littlebeebop]

@Joystir59

What's remotely wrong with her fancying a girl? There is nothing to address or worry about whatsoever. Perhaps it means she is a lesbian. So what?

Not sure where anybody has said that there is anything wrong?

If she is then I've stated that's absolutely fine I have no issue about it. This post was about her identifying new feelings and how to handle them....

[littlebeebop]

@PineappleCakes

She feels different as all her friends are talking about boy crushes and I was hoping for something to help her realise that it's absolutely normal for this to be happening.

I think what helped my daughter was the first time we went to Foyles book shop and she discovered their YA LGB section. She was thrilled and spent ages browsing and we bought several books.

Seeing same sex stories in print, on the bookshelves, really "normalised" things, even though we already had LGB friends in our family.

Thanks I'll have a look at some books, she's an avid reader so hopefully this will help her 😊