My 11 yo wants to be a boy

[mumfirst21]

My 11 year old daughter has been a bit distant recently.

I put it down to friendship problems as she had had a sort of falling out with a girl in her class. They just weren't getting along anymore.

Then one day she sent me a message saying she was transgender felt horrid in her body and was miserable.

I straight away was full supportive said I'd love her no matter what all I want is her/him to feel comfortable.

We have started trying to use he/him pronouns.
Their is a new name on the cards trying to remember to use it.
Haircut booked in a few weeks.

Basically trying to facilitate this as much a possible.

But I feel like I don't really know what to do for the best?
He hates his body, doesn't like to shower due to breasts etc.

I just don't really know where to go from here, I want to support him and make him feel good but I have no idea what to do?

Has anyone else got experience with this that could help me make sure I'm doing what is right by my child?

Much much appreciated.

I felt very similar to this when I went through puberty, I hated the changes in my body & if someone had suggested I could become a boy and it’d all go away id have probably have jumped at the idea.

Keep all this supportive but light with your dd, it’s very normal not to feel comfortable with body changes growing up, it doesn’t necessarily have to anything more long lasting.

OP, you might find these links interesting.

Bayswater Support group
bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Our Duty group
ourduty.group/

Mumsnet isn’t a good place to ask this type of question if you want a balanced response. It’s a hotbed for unfettered transphobia. See basically any thread on the ‘feminism’ board.

This is my first post on Mumsnet
I just thought maybe their would be other mums with children alike but clearly this is not a good place for me.

Thank you @MujeresLibres for the support link.

I will be leaving now.

@Lokdok

Mumsnet isn’t a good place to ask this type of question if you want a balanced response. It’s a hotbed for unfettered transphobia. See basically any thread on the ‘feminism’ board.

Of course. Of course. Hotbed of transphobia indeed 🙄

@Lokdok

Mumsnet isn’t a good place to ask this type of question if you want a balanced response. It’s a hotbed for unfettered transphobia. See basically any thread on the ‘feminism’ board.

I dont think thats true at all. Mumsnet is a huge board with people with all different points of view and transphobia is not allowed and transphobic posts get deleted. I think you get much more of a balanced response on here than you do on many other sites which are often "affirm everything or be booted"

@mumfirst21

This is my first post on Mumsnet I just thought maybe their would be other mums with children alike but clearly this is not a good place for me.

Thank you @MujeresLibres for the support link.

I will be leaving now.

There are plenty of people here who have children who are currently identfying as trans, and lots of people who are managing it in different ways. I think its really useful to be informed and hear different viewpoints when its a currently huge issue with lots of kids, and the outcomes can have lifelong consequences. You dont have to agree with everything someone says about the issue, but it doesnt make the entire website useless. I think you could get some really good advice and support here, but you obviously have to sort the wheat from the chaff, and some of it is great and some of it is rubbish

Would you consider a private general child psychologist where she can explore her feelings? Might be the quickest way to get good support

OP don't flounce. You will get a range of responses and replies. Read and ponder. You don't have to respond if you don't want to.
You're having a challenging time and obviously want to do the right thing by your child.
What the 'right thing' is will differ regarding who you ask
Affirmative support and social transition is enthusiastically championed, but if you dig a little deeper there's little actual proof that that approach will give a better outcome for your child.
It is known that mental health is not actually improved. It's also known that the vast majority of gender non conforming children resolve their issues about bodily discomfort by going through puberty.
Tread carefully. I wish you well.

I think it's hard for people to get a feel of how my child is feeling through these posts.

And people jump on things so quickly.

I really was hoping someone would come along and say they had the same and this is what they did.
I think the transgender in children will really be a can't do right for doing wrong period.

I think I will try and seek counselling for her.
I don't care if she's a boy or a girl. I just want her to love herself. I have always tried to instilled confidence. She is very very loved and respected in my home. All I want is what's best.

But first hand experience would be nice to hear.

If you look through other messages on this board you’ll see oodles of other experiences.

@mumfirst21

I think it's hard for people to get a feel of how my child is feeling through these posts.

And people jump on things so quickly.

I really was hoping someone would come along and say they had the same and this is what they did.
I think the transgender in children will really be a can't do right for doing wrong period.

I think I will try and seek counselling for her.
I don't care if she's a boy or a girl. I just want her to love herself. I have always tried to instilled confidence. She is very very loved and respected in my home. All I want is what's best.

But first hand experience would be nice to hear.

I am going through similar OP and I have other friends going through similar.

As you say, its really hard to find unbiased advice as the issue has become VERY polarised.

I personally find that mumsnet has got some great knowledge available here about the theoretical side of transgenderism and its an amazing place to be able to educate yourself on all sorts of issues related to it, but I think sometimes on this particular issue, its not easy to get "support". On the other hand, a lot of other sites ive been on, you cant even mention that you question what your child says, and its all about validating and not questioning.

If youre anything like me, youll just have to find your own path.
I do think its worth not taking it too seriously. Its actually quite a big thing in secondary schools at the moment, or certainly a lot round here and loads of kids are experimenting with pronouns and gender expression and identifying with sexualities that im not convinced are going to stick, and validating it too much is giving it more importance than it needs. Kids like to reinvent themselves and try and put names on what they are feeling in order to figure out where they fit into the world. Most of these kids wont end up identifying as trans later, so its important to neither mock them, push them away, nor feel like you have to validate everything they say either.
Try not to be too attached to things like their hair and their name, as these things can make them feel like they have some control, but these are nothing permanent or long term.
I think its worth questioning some of them though, and bringing up gentle conversations about what they think these stereotypes and gender roles and gender performances mean. Id also gently probe what sort of online activity is going on, and make sure your parental controls on both the wifi and their phones is strict. It doesnt stop everything, but it helps

I have a trans child op. My child was very definite from a very young age and long before being trans was a 'thing' as it is now.

Its so difficult to get it right, and I have fucked up a lot, but my child is now an adult and still adamant.

I think the fact your child was 11 when they 'came out' suggests that this may be a puberty/feeling uncomfortable thing rather than a trans thing.

I think the fact you've waited for your child to 'come out' as a trans boy before you allowed a short haircut won't have done you any favours at all unfortunately. This is reinforcing that the cut your child wants is, in fact, a boys haircut. It's tricky to get the balance right though, I get that.

If I were you now I wouldn't use he/him, I would be entirely neutral, they/them, child rather than son or daughter, maybe a gender neutral nickname rather than a name change.

With my child I went over absolutely everything, repeatedly, all the negative things, side effects, we found an operation video online, YouTube has lots of people who have detransitioned, and I found that very useful too. Your child needs to know the absolute reality of being trans. I did this with my child, if I'm honest, it was in the hopes of scaring them out of it, but they remained sure, even knowing all the shit they will, unfortunately, have to go through.

We did this sort of thing (in an age appropriate way) every couple of weeks for years.

11 is such a tricky age when they are trying to find their way in the world so you have my sympathies

Hi can I ask how things are going with your daughter?.Am going through similar stuff with my 11yr old daughter any advice would be greatly appreciated x