DSS age 3 is "a girl with a willy". AIBU to ask...

[hulahoopqueen]

how we help him?

At his main home (65% of the time) it is mainly just him and his DM (one previous serious boyfriend, current casual one). Until recently, he's seemed like a happy, well-adjusted boy.

In recent months he's been telling us he's a girl, and in the last few days he's decided he's "a girl with a willy" (quotation marks because I'm not 100% sure whether they're his words or his mum's). DM allows him to wear dresses out and about, sometimes to nursery (4 days/week) and he loves it.

But.... at DH's/mine, where he is the other 35% of the time (ish), there's none of it. We have bought him a dress he can choose to wear - he doesn't. We will often (without any ill intentions) say "good boy" - maybe 1 in 10 times he'll go "no, I'm a girl", which we sort of brush off with, "oh, ok". There's no fight back from him.

DM has, in the past, said to us that she's not sure she will have more children, and has told me very sincerely that she was gutted DSS was a boy, as she desperately wanted a daughter. Part of me wonders whether this is kind of encouraging him to be the daughter she never had? Her and DH spoke this morning, and when DH expressed concern that it’s encouraging him to dislike himself because he’s not a girl, she told him that it’s best to just tell DSS he is a girl with a willy, as apparently this will allow him to not get confused.

I am really at a loss to understand how telling him this is anything other than completely confusing.

DH expressed to DM that he’s worried about DSS getting mocked at school if he continues to say he is a girl, and that we should neither encourage nor discourage the dresses/calling himself a girl until he is old enough to express himself more eloquently - currently, asking him why he wants to be a girl gets the answer “because I do”. I do wonder whether DSS (who is a sensitive child) wants to be in a sort of girls’ club with mummy, so by telling her he is a girl, makes them more close? Having said that, he also occasionally will tell me and DM that we are boys, so I’m at a bit of a loss.

Does anyone have any advice?

@spongedog contact is every other weekend and two nights during the other week (so 3/7 then 2/7). We have broached the issue of whether DM would be happy to add another night to one of the weeks, to make it 6/14, but so far she is not willing to go ahead with that. And DH is not pressuring her, because he doesn't want to sour their relationship (rightly so!!) so right now it's not an option.
I've been in DH's life since he was 10 months old. DM broke up with DH when DSS was 5 months old. There is no tirade. If there was, I would be challenging her directly, rather than asking others' opinions about how to handle this situation sensitively. His mother and I spend time together as friends, outside of DSS activities. I don't want to damage the (tentative) friendship I have with her by challenging her parenting choices.
I'm not doing any parenting. I'm concerned for a child that I care about, being manipulated into believing something that is not true. DH is very worried that it will lead to bullying in the future, which we are obviously keen to avoid if possible.
'Factually', girls don't have willies. In my mind that is certainly an unusual thing to tell a very young child.

@WillowGrand thank you for your message - love the simplicity of that, will definitely start incorporating similar phrases if he continues questioning it!

You’re welcome, I keep it matter as fact as possible, a statement, just as you would “too any sweets are bad for you”, then change the subject.

Repeat until embedded! Girls are all feisty no nonsense 7+ year old now and no man is telling them they have to be pink or blue 😃

I think he's too young to fully know what it all means, he may well feel like this when he's older which is of course fine but at this age it's probably quite surface level if that makes sense. Wants to be like his mummy maybe. My step son told us he wanted to marry his mum, he just loves her so much so it's fine in his head as it's just quite black and white I.e 'want to live with mummy forever I'll marry her.' We did chuckle and sure he will too when he's older.
He also sometimes comes to our house with painted toenails just because he likes the colour and sees his mum etc do it and to him it's just like colouring in.
So I think just let kids be kids, don't give any energy to their ever changing decisions just support and offer options. They'll find their way as long as they have that :)

There was an episode of Storyville like this called Petite Fille. (Documentary series not fiction) A mum wanted a girl when she was pregnant. Had a boy who wanted to be a girl. She was worried it was her fault. The teachers at school wouldn't let the child wear dresses as they said it was the mum pushing it on the child. They saw a psychologist who reassured the mum it was nothing to do with her wanting a girl. It just happens. The psychologist said to the child "Tell your mum she's doing the right thing letting you dress as a girl" Child started crying but wouldn't say why. It was interesting.

Just to clarify the Storyville episode was in France.

Thing is, what do we do about the fact that it seems his mum is encouraging it?

You ignore it for now.

It's a terribly normal phase and the words of a 3 yo are not to be relied on. As you don't feel able to mention it in a normal, matter of fact way with his DMum, even more important to do nothing.

@Celandines thank you, that sounds very interesting - will have a look :)

@Fleetw00d that is exactly what I was thinking - DSS and his DM have a really lovely close relationship, so I wondered whether part of it was him really wanting to be just like his mummy (which I actually find really sweet!).

@MoggyP thank you. I'm not sure I've mentioned this, but we have raised it with DM - she was quite defensive and we didn't want to push it for the sake of causing a row. We will carry on as is :)