11yo coming out as trans or non-binary - that was a surprise.

[AnotherReluctantSupporter]

...to say the least.

I have 11 year old son (in biological sense, not sure what lingo I should use here), he has always been a typical boy (I have a daughter who is very girly and another son so I do have something to compare).

In toddlerhood he was a whirlwind bundle of energy, cars and trucks, turn every stick to guns kind of boy. At school friends with boys, running around playing tribes with them in parks. His friends are also leaning bookish/PlayStation boys rather than anyone v sporty. No close female friends.

Over the past few months he has been testing waters with me over a few things and was reassured I was safe person for him to open up to. Now he is trying on my skirts and hair accessories.

I am not stopping him exploring, but I thought I'd ask you. I don't know anyone trans.

• it seems rather out of blue - none of signs were there previously (he said he has been thinking about it for the past 8 months)
• he has a friend from primary school he has recently become close to who came out as non-binary (girl to non-binary), supporting her with her emotionally abusive family (and also dark TW kind of abuse that happened to this kid at young age).
• he has been secretly watching Contrapoints videos on YouTube due to history left by me- he is obsessed with politics and social sciences, precocious for his age - but glad he isn't 21 with access to Twitter!). He is now familiar with terms like gender critical and TERFs.
• he can't answer my question what is it about feminity that he desires. He only keeps saying how repulsive masculinity is and he dreads his voice breaking, he doesn't want to be like those d*k-swinging lumberjacks at his secondary school.

His best friends are supportive of his identity and his school is very liberal too.

What is the likelihood of this being a real thing? Is this a very common phase? We'll see I guess.

@LuciaLemon - you do seem to be weary of tiptoe-y wokes and I bet it feels good yelling at another seemingly daft right on new agey parent who enables nonsense.

Don't think it is wrong if I want to know a bit more what is going on out there than to completely ignore and hope for it pass.

@AnotherReluctantSupporter

OP here again, is it possible for child to be completely normally gender-conforming until puberty triggers intense gender dysphoria that is hard to resolve even in adulthood?

I’ll try to answer your question, but I don’t think it really applies to your son.

It can happen. You might find this article interesting:

4thwavenow.com/2017/12/07/gender-dysphoria-is-not-one-thing/

According to these researchers, boys who start identifying as girls during/after puberty often have autogynephilia (ie there is a sexual element to their desire to be a woman). The existence of autogynephilia (AGP) is very controversial among the trans community. Whether or not it exists, it sounds like a very distressing condition to have.

However! To me (an Internet stranger) it doesn’t sound like your son is trans, from what you say. It sounds like he might be caught up in an internet/social justice phenomenon.

If in time he does tell you he think he’s trans, these tips seem like good advice:
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips

@saynotofondant - thanks for the links. While I think he may have ADHD (lots of people hate ADHD overdiagnosis too:)), but there is definitely nothing in me that can see any signs of "hmm maybe he has some gender issues". But who knows, there have been parents completely "blindsided" by their trans kids.

With a completely gender conforming ASD teenager here I can confirm, in terms of school bullying, slurs etc: being GNC is A-OK. Being gay - not so great, but definitely better than it was when I was at school. Being neuro-nontypical - a complete shit show. My DS has had a very difficult time, as has a friend's child with a physical disability.

You need to be really careful with his Internet use. Some of the stuff out there around this issue is batshit and verges on grooming, and if he already familiar with the term TERF (a term that a high court judge has now declared to be derogatory) then God knows what else he will be exposed to. And also 'dick swinging lumberjacks'??!

As a PP said, be accepting without embracing it all - it's almost definitely a phase (although keep him of Reddit etc for God's sake!) and he needs to know that it's OK to backtrack if/when he wants to. Don't dismiss it out of hand either as you risk alienating him and there will be plenty out there online ready to be his 'glitter family'.

@Passmeabottlemrjones - not sure it is the reddit but you may well be right about Internet!

How long has this been going on for? If possible I would recommend trying to see a gender therapist. Until they are 16 they can’t receive hormones, puberty blockers or and kinda of reassignment surgery. Puberty is a really hard time for trans kids, so make sure you are there for them as they could struggle with mental illness or suicidal thoughts. A doctor would know best and they are the only person who can diagnose gender dysphoria so I would say that is the best thing for your child.

@Newpuppymummy

My dd was like this at 14. She was in awe of other non binary/trans gender students at the school and decided she wanted to be a boy. I let her dress however she wanted to but drew the line at binding her boobs. She grew out of it. She now claims she is lesbian. But had a boyfriend in the summer. I think she’s a teenager and trying on different personas and very confused. It is very fashionable at her school to be trams/non binary

I am so so glad I'm not a teenager now - I've heard like your daughter's school, that it's fashionable to be trans/non binary and personally I think that screws with some teenagers' heads especially when they don't properly understand about this/aren't mature enough to deal with this.

There’s nothing fashionable about experiencing discrimination.

I am absolutely horrified at this conversation...I came to look over here as my child who is 11 recently expressed they identify as non binary
In what world do you dismiss your child in this way. Just because it wasn’t a thing in your time doesn’t make it any less real.. good luck keeping up with honest relationships with your kids

@TragedyHands

A lot of kids go through this especially now it's fashionable. Mine decided she was a lesbian at 12, she has had several boyfriends since being 14. Tell him to tell you again when he's 18.

This is incorrect. your daughter may have said that however to equate the large wave of people comfortable coming out as LGBTQ+ as being a faze is untrue. This is actually the result of liberalism in modern media. And this is a good thing.