Gender dysphoria - almost 4yr old?

[Sassypants82]

My son is fairly ahead of his peers. He has a very active imagination & has been clearly verbal since he was 18mnts old. He will be 4yrs old next month.

For nearly two years he has been expressing his desire to be a girl. This has increased in how serious he is about it & in its intensity & has now started to upset him. He makes statements such as 'I don't want anyone to know I'm a boy', 'I wish I had magic so I could change into a girl for real' and says that when we use his name or the pronoun 'he' it makes him feel sad. He will even correct strangers that call him a boy.

He wears an old scarf of mine as 'hair' and really hates to be without it. At the moment he wears it most of the time except to preschool where I don't allow it, except on Fridays when they're allowed to bring toys/dress up etc. He understands & isn't too upset by this but will immediately find his 'hair' as soon as he comes home.

Is it possible for gender dysphoria to manifest itself like this or am I being totally dramatic? I am bringing him to the gp tomorrow to get a referral to a child psychologist. I'm so upset that he feels sad about being a boy & we (myself & DH) will obviously do anything we can to support him.

Just looking for any experiences of anything similar at such a young age? There have been no issues or trauma in his life so far. He comes from a very solid, supportive & loving extended & immediate family & there's been no upheaval of any kind. We welcomed his baby sister one year ago & he's crazy about her & her him.

I should mention that he's very into being in disguise, super heros transforming from ordinary people & loves to be 'in character' - always plays a female part. And he will insist that his real self is a girl.

Thanks in advance.

I think you are over thinking it OP, and given the current climate it’s no wonder. Take a step back and follow his lead. Let him break down the stereotypes, and allow him the freedom to play and dress as he chooses. Love him, support him and build up his self-esteem. That’s all we can do for our children.

Thanks Plonky, appreciate that.

Just to clarify to previous posters, he's been growing his hair for a good while now, it's coming on but isn't quite at the rapunzel length he favours!

I probably am over thinking it, thanks ohfor, I needed to hear that. I feel a lot better about it.

He his just so happy when I refer to him as a girl like he wants me to, that it takes the pit of my stomach out.

I was a cat. I forced my grandmother to give me milk in a saucer on the floor. Wore a tail and ears. Spent a lot of time licking my hands.
I now have to deal with DM getting videos out so we can all have a laugh 😬
Kids don't need labels, they just need to explore. You are supporting him perfectly in letting him be what he wants to be and do what he wants to do. Just see where it goes from here, and just let him know your there and supportive
and be thankful he's not peeing in the garden because that's what cats do

Another one who's child thinks he's a dog. He has a tail and sits on command. In fairness it's about the only thing he does do on command!

My sister was absolutely insistent at that age that she was a boy.

My parents said “that’s nice dear” and didn’t make any fuss about it.

She grew out of it by 5, was a “Tom boy” during her primary years and turned into an incredibly “girly” girl in high school.

It’s not an uncommon scenario. It happens quite a lot.

I’m concerned that we are far too quick to label children in a way that is difficult to undo.

It's not unusual. When I was that age I fervently wanted to be a boy. Called George. I even refused to answer people unless they called me George and I remember sitting in the car in a pub car park (with the obligatory bottle of coke and packet of crisps), desperately wishing that I would wake up one morning and find I'd grown a willy.
40+ years later I have no such desire other than a vague interest in being able to wee my name in the snow.

At his age, kids don't have a fixed idea of gender. They know if they're a boy or a girl but not that that's a fixed thing, so a 3yo boy knows he's a boy, but could want to grow up to be a mummy. A more permanent notion of gender sets in by 5/6. It's great you've decided to become more relaxed about his hair and dress. It always seems that making an issue of things like this turn them in to an issue where there need not be one.

Have you considered the source? There's a similar gap between my two DC. At nearly 4, DD1 started saying she didn't like the way she looked. DH and I were devastated, thinking we'd not given her enough positive messages or low self esteem had set in very early. After some probing it turned out that she wanted to look like a baby, probably because her new baby sister was getting lots of time and attention from all 'her' adults. Could your DS desire to be a girl be similar?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that little children's minds work differently from ours. What we understand by "I hate the way I look" or "I want to be a girl" could be very different to what the child means by those statements.

His desire to be a girl pre dates his sister's arrival but it probably has ramped up since she was born, coincidentally or not I don't know.

Its not the nature of it that concerns me its the longevity of it.. Almost two years now. It's also very linked to hair, which is the centre of it all. I think it started in earnest when we holidayed with a relative with long curly hair, (he was 2+2mnts) he loved her and her hair and would then pretend to actually be her.. It then developed from there.

Looking at it objectively, our extended family is full of strong female types who absolutely dote on him. The men too, of course, but his favourites are aunties & female cousins, who have just happened to spend more time with him & make tighter bonds. He plays with any kids, doesn't favour boys over girls or vice versa.

Thanks to everyone for the posts, stories & advice. I'm going to relax about it & just go with it. I'll also put off any visits to the gp about it, at least for the forseeable.

Thanks again, you've all made me feel much better & grounded me.
Have a great day

I am a child psychologist. Please do not refer your child to a child psychologist for this. He does not need pathologising. He is a three year old behaving just like any other three year old.

Maybe it has more to do with the relative as an individual than his sex?

Children mimic. It’s what they do and how they learn.

Let him be him. Why do you think he needs to see a doctor? There’s nothing wrong with him.

Hi @Sassypants82

Reading between the lines I think you already have some sense whether this is everyday gender expression that nearly all children explore - clothes, hair, make-believe...

or

To do with their identity - belief that they are a girl, sadness that they aren't accepted as a girl, upset (dysphoria) that their body is incongruent with a girls body.

It isn't unusual for children to have a strong sense of their own gender between the ages of 3 and 5 and gender dysphoria often first presents about that same age. If it is gender identity then you will likely need some support.

If it is a phase and based in stereotypes and expression, your child will be happy with growing hair and wardrobe changes. If it is something more, they are likely to continue to be sad, and become depressed as their identity is not accepted.

You've said that 'trans isn't that path you want for him', that its a 'hard path'. This used to be true, but things are changing. Legal recognition, visibility and parental support are changing the outcomes for trans children. Recent papers from the TransYouthProject are showing supported children are growing up as happy and healthy as their peers. I know it can be incredibly frightening to think that supporting a child in a gender identity will some how change the outcome. However as a recent Lancet review stated there is no evidence of a link between gender identity and parenting.

On helping you figure out whether this is something more:

The NHS has some helpful pages if your child is experiencing gender dysphoria: www.nhs.uk/conditions/gender-dysphoria/

This article may also be helpful and talks about some of the differences between gender dysphoria and everyday gender expression: patient.info/health/gender-dysphoria-leaflet/features/how-to-support-your-transgender-child

You say you are thinking about professional support. The only NHS service for gender dysphoria is the Gender Identity Development Service at the Tavistock & Portman. The waiting list is currently 14 months minimum and you will likely find it difficult to get a referral. CAMHS is another option, though again long waiting lists and referral criteria apply. If you do seek a referral from your GP to GIDS, don't expect any answers when you get there. In spite of some of the comments above, there will be no external pressure or recommendations that you support your child in a 'social transition' which before puberty is simply gender expression (which you are supporting already) and, if the child wants it, changes in pronouns and / or name.

I'd also caution that Mumsnet isn't the best place to get an objective opinion on anything related to gender identity.

TLDR: It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Keep listening to your child and don't be scared if they lead you somewhere unexpected - that's what parenting is all about!

Thank you, Theskyisgrey for the well thought out & helpful post.

I'm not in the UK but appreciate all the info & links, which I will read.

I'm obviously prepared to do whatever it takes & coincidentally we had a good chat about pronouns this afternoon. He said hearing 'he' and 'him' makes him burst into anger, but hearing 'she' and 'her' makes him burst into happiness.

That's all there is to say really. I said I want him to always burst into happiness and so will do what I can to make sure that happens.

Thanks for the support, it means so much.

My friends DS did this as a young child - now a totally happy teen boy.

My DS is trans, and the dysphoria started at puberty. I don't really think it's possible to manifest beforehand, as then it's mostly just about activities/stereotypes - not the intense disgust at your secondary sex characteristics.

Your DS sounds lovely by the way

What's nursery like? Other relatives? I'm just wondering if this could be connected to someone in his life not letting him be who he wants to be as a boy. I know a little boy who was very happy being a long haired boy until he got to school. Faced with full on stereotypes from classmates at school, it was only then that he decided he was a girl. Many of the "trans kids" stories in the media similarly feature a parent or other adult trying to push them into stereotype roles that they don't like. Very sad.

Oh, and I wouldn't accept "boys aren't interesting" from a girl or a boy. Get him to split it down further and tell you what about the boys he knows he's not interested in. It's not okay to stereotype. He plays with some boys you say so clearly they're interesting enough?

I also like PP's suggestion if pretending to magic him a girl for the day and seeing what he does differently. Might give you more insight into his thinking. But if his understanding of "being a girl" is currently so strongly connected to long hair, it's really shallow (quite normal at his age) and I don't really think dysphoria needs to be on the horizon just yet.

there is a boy at DD's school with hair down to his waist - still very much a boy, just with long hair (it's a non-uniform school so no issue with prescribed hair styles, thank god!).

I wonder if there is someone at his pre-school with very set ideas about what boys and girls can do or play with. Because he doesn't appear to have any issues with his male body and you say there's no stereotyping at home - but it's the stereotypes that are bothering him, isn't it? Or another adult who has said something?