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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

DD came out as bisexual to her dad, he now doesn't want anything to do with her

26 replies

Gingerninj · 08/04/2018 14:59

A few days before Christmas my DD, aged 13, told me she has a girlfriend and is bisexual. I'm totally fine with it of course. Her girlfriend is absolutely lovely, I wasn't sure how serious this relationship was at first, at her age I had a few week long "relationships" but they seem really close and I'm happy for her. The other day she said she wanted to tell her dad, he's not been very involved with her upbringing, comes to see her on the occasion. Her step dad is more of a father figure really. So she called and told him and he wasn't happy at all. He told her to pass the phone over to me, started shouting at me as if I was letting her take drugs or something. I told him it's simply who she is and he will just have to except it. He told me not to expect to hear from him again and don't bother contacting him either. This really upset and annoyed my DD. I suggested that she could text him and maybe help him understand this wasn't a choice or something she can change but she said there was no point. He's blocked her on Facebook. I'm honestly not sure how to handle this situation

OP posts:

Userplusnumbers · 08/04/2018 15:01

Oh dear OP, your poor DD.

Lots of reassuring needed, this isn't about your DD, this is about her Dad and who he is - she can't change that any more than he can change her. I wouldn't suggest trying to contact him, however hard that may be.

AhNowTed · 08/04/2018 15:02

She's right there is no point.

He's an arsehole and all you can do is be there for your daughter.

His loss... wanker.

eggcellent · 08/04/2018 15:03

He sounds like a tosser who she's better off without, though of course I'm sure that's no help right now. Poor thing

Bananamanfan · 08/04/2018 15:03

What an utter shit. Make sure your DD knows it is him that is in the wrong. It sounds like he hasn't been a parent until now, so I would just let him crack on, he will lose out more than your DD will.

Rainatnight · 08/04/2018 15:04

How absolutely vile of your ex-DP. He's effectively disowned DD. I'm sure 'annoyed and upset' is an understatement. This is one of those experiences that will stay with her forever. She's going to need lots of support from you and her stepfather.

pestilentialboundary · 08/04/2018 15:05

That's awful.

You must be so relieved you are no longer with him.

and keep being you, your DD will appreciate it.

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 15:14

Probably going to get flamed here.

I would have discouraged her because he plays so little in her life. He obviously doesn’t care that much and to give him information - that is sensetive and also changeable I think was a mistake.

He is obviously a huge dick head.

But I think it’s your responsibility to protect your dd and navigate her around situations that may damage her self esteem and cause her worry.

People are still bigoted, even in this day and age so I think at your dd tender age - to come ‘out’ out is a bit previous.

I had a fling when I was in an all girls school but I’m married now with three kids. I’m not bisexual. 13 (for me) is too young to declare to the world sexuality.

MirrorMouse · 08/04/2018 15:23

"I'm married now with three kids."
I'm married with one child and I'm a lesbian. I wish "married with kids" wasn't used as shorthand for being straight. That's out of date.

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 15:27

mirror it means that how you feel at 13 may change massively. Just because you have a sane sex relationship at 13 does not define who you are sexually for the rest of your life - so why start the grief so early ?

Your experience will not be the same for every one.

Userplusnumbers · 08/04/2018 15:31

@Dancingleopard - you're right, peoples feelings change over time. I'd suggest that you're not straight right now, you're just in an opposite sex relationship.

When you tell someone (especially a child) that 'it might just be a phase' what you're actually saying is that they're feelings aren't valid, or important. Even if it does change later, it doesn't mean it's not perfectly true at the time. Being your authentic self is a skill, one best learnt early.

Original poster

Gingerninj · 08/04/2018 15:38

@Dancingleopard I understand what you're saying, she is young but she's old enough to make these decisions for herself. She told me this had been on her mind for a long time and she just wanted to tell him. I don't think discouraging her would have been the right thing. Of course I want to protect her from anything that would make her anything less than happy but I don't think that would help her in the long run

OP posts:

Original poster

Gingerninj · 08/04/2018 15:44

I also understand that just because she thinks she's bisexual at 13 that she'll always feel the same but I'm also not about to tell her it could just a phase. That may be the case but I want to her feel that she can express herself and be honest with me and those in her life without the worry that they might not believe her because of her age

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 08/04/2018 15:50

13 (for me) is too young to declare to the world sexuality.

She didn't declare it to the world, she wanted to and told her dad. Unfortunately noone could predict how he would react and he reacted badly. Doesn't mean she was wrong to tell him, it means he is an arse.

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 15:50

User I am straight - really bizzare that you think a few stolen kisses when I was 14 makes me anything other

I spent most of my youth working in and drinking around Manchester gay village with my cousin who is married to another woman, I’ve never ever had any thoughts or desires to be with a women since I kissed my best mate in school. How patronising for you to tell me I don’t know my own sexuality. That’s really fucking weird.

I also NEVER said to say it’s a phase. Where in my post do I say that? I’m in my 40s with three daughters. I would never say ‘it’s just a phase’ about anything So don’t assume shit that you don’t know.

I’ve known girls get crucified at school with bullying or ‘making a stand’ when they come out. It really isn’t worth the disruption of education. I work within the school setting so I know that championing your sexuality at such a young age really is not worth the hassle.

The op needs to tell her daughter to just go with the flow with out giving herself any labels.

NeilTheSloth · 08/04/2018 15:57

dancing I think mirror meant (and correct me if I’m wrong mirror!) that you used “married with kids” rather than “married (to a man) with kids”, since marriage is no longer exclusive to heterosexual couples.

MirrorMouse · 08/04/2018 16:07

You misunderstood my point Leopard. You said "I'm married with three kids" as a way to say you were straight [and everything worked out well/you lived happily ever after].
My point was that that's outdated. It seems to hark back to a time when marriage and kids weren't possible for gay people. Lesbians get married and have kids.

I wasn't saying that I had a same-sex relationship at 13 and ended up a lesbian - I didn't.

MirrorMouse · 08/04/2018 16:08

Yes Neil, thats what I meant!

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 16:16

I think mirror were both missing each others point.

You’re purposely making assumptions that I haven’t made. I should have put ‘married a bloke’ but I certainly never meant ‘and I lived happily ever after by being straight.

I know same sex marriages happen as I’ve been to many!! Your posts are beyond patronising!

The op asked for an opinion. She got mine. Stop looking for stuff that just isn’t there in my posts

Sunflowersforever · 08/04/2018 16:16

@Dancingleopard

As an aside, I do like the new term 'sane sex' relationship

pomelo33 · 08/04/2018 16:24

@Dancingleopard seems unnecessarily aggressive... raw nerve clearly. It's fine to be bisexual; the lady doth protest too much.

OP you've done the right thing for your daughter, and you ex husband has behaved very poorly.

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 16:38

pom it’s a raw nerve when idiots keep assuming something that’s not true and purposely missing my point. We’re at a point in society where every one has to have a label or come ‘out’ as early as possible. Parents are climbing over themselves to encourage confusing emotions in kids. It’s not fair.

sunflower ‘sane sex’ god - show me the way!

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 16:40

Tbh I’ve had enough of this weekend/school holidays - I’m off to get the voddie out....

ClaudiaWankleman · 08/04/2018 16:43

We’re at a point in society where every one has to have a label or come ‘out’ as early as possible

Rubbish. We are on our way to a time when straight will no longer be the default assumption. The fact that you have noticed an increase in people being proud of their own identities is part of that.

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 16:56

claudia where have I said that it wasn’t??

It really IS or seems to me patents with agendas that push this shit.

Why can’t kids just be kids and explore there own shit with out a formal label given - mainly off their parents.

Dancingleopard · 08/04/2018 16:56

**parents

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