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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

I think my son is transgender

35 replies

pumpkinsss · 14/12/2017 16:51

My son is 13 and recently came out as “gay” which isn’t an issue. I’ve always suspected he was, I have gay friends and family and couldn’t care less. However I’m so confused by him and don’t have any previous experience with his behaviour to know how to deal with it. A year ago he started wearing makeup which again, not a problem. It started with him wanting to do his eyebrows and wear foundation which progressed into eyeshadow and lipsticks. Lately there’s been two occasions where he bought girls clothes “for a friend’s birthday” and then I’ve discovered he still had the clothes and he started wearing them himself (off the shoulder type tops and one was cropped). He’s started wearing fake nails and wants to get his nails done at a salon and at this point I’m at a loss. I could accept that he’s transgender but I don’t want to suggest anything to him/not sure how to approach the subject. There are a lot of things I’m worried about such as his safety as I know not everyone is as accepting when they see a teenage boy dressed like a girl. If he thinks he’s transgender I just want to know so we can move forward, this period of not knowing and being confused is horrible

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsss · 15/12/2017 02:56

Hasn’t even crossed my mind to do such a thing so I’m not sure if you even read my posts. I wouldn’t dream of doing that unless he wanted me to.

OP posts:
nooka · 15/12/2017 03:05

You sound level headed and sensible OP but there may well be suggestions made to your son that he is 'really a girl' so I think it is good to make sure that you give him plenty of affirmation as a fabulous non conforming boy. The only thing I thought reading your OP is that I'm not sure I would have let either of my children wear so much make up at that age. 13 seems very young for foundation and fake nails.

laudanum · 15/12/2017 03:40

You're supporting him really well right now. Tell him that if he ever wants to talk to you about anything or wants to tell you something important, that he can and you will always be there whatever he wants.

Ignore anyone who tells you he's too young etc - it's none of their business. If he is trans he will tell you on his own time. Be vigilant about making sure he's not a target for anyone bigoted. They are usually very vocal and nasty - there are tons of them on here and they are quite vile.

Let him try things by himself and also let him try stuff with you In terms of clothes and makeup - you've already been helping him there so keep that up. As someone said, there are some amazing makeup tutorials on YouTube done by boys for boys, so sit and watch them with him if he wants to.

Original poster
pumpkinsss · 15/12/2017 04:14

Thank you guys. Your replies mean a lot. I had a lot on my mind when I made this post but I feel very supported reading your posts.

OP posts:
Mrstobe90 · 19/12/2017 03:30

I just want to say, you sound like a wonderful parent.
The fact that you are so loving, supportive and looking for ways to further understand how to make your son comfortable in himself is incredible!
He’s very lucky to have you in his life!

PersianCatLady · 19/12/2017 04:16

He is wearing women's clothes, perhaps he likes them.

They probably feel nice and look nice to wear.

There is no reason to think that he is trans from this.

Wearing women's clothes and being trans are two different things.

Let him be and let him know you are there for him, somewhat may but don't assume irrelevant labels for his teenage behaviour.

fromtheshires · 20/12/2017 10:49

Ignore the less then useful posts. We were all confused, hormone driven teenagers and most of us will have done a lot of questioning and experimenting. It's how we learn about sex.

does he have any gay relatives he can talk to and learn from? If not he may be watching TV / YouTube etc and getting role models from there. Not a bad thing but it may be misguiding him into thinking this is what being gay is. Just a thought.

The crux of it is, does it harm him and is he safe? If the answer is no and yes to these questions, let him knock himself out and enjoy life as so many teens are in the closet living miserable teenage years. It's hard being a teen and even harder being an LGBT teen so as long as you will help and support him and he knows this he will flourish into whatever he is.

Loveache · 20/12/2017 10:54

He can be an effeminate or androgynous gay man one day without ever having to identify as female. And I love that that's ok these days. He's only 13 and experimenting the way you do at that age. You sound lovely. I'd say don't worry if he isn't.

Stopmakingsense · 20/12/2017 11:00

I agree with the majority of parents who have posted above. I just also wanted to flag up that online there will be an awful lot of pressure on him to identify as transgender, so be aware of that. There are multiple fandoms, vlogs etc where gender non-conforming people are told they are transgender - i.e if you are a feminine boy you were born in the wrong body. It is a pretty regressive ideology.
It can be really hard to be the odd one out and you do need a lot of resilience so I would work on that with him to maintain a good sense of self and self esteem without making any assumptions.
And yes in Boots the other day the person behind one of the make up counter was a gorgeous bloke with beautiful make up.

Stopmakingsense · 21/12/2017 09:15

OP - you might find this interview with Grayson Perry interesting, perhaps your son might too - it's about the programmes he did about masculinity.

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