My daughter thinks she is a boy.

[silverhawkser]

Hi! I'm new here and hoping to get some help. My 15 year old daughter thinks she is a trans male. She talks about it off and on every few months. Today my mother pulled me aside and showed me a message my daughter sent her about being trans. She wants to come out to the public that she is male. It honestly really scares me that she thinks this way, but I will support her as she is my child. I just told her that I hope she waits till she is older and more mature to make the life changing decision to get any type of surgery.

The thing is though in the last year she has shown no signs of not liking to be a girl. Her 15th birthday was in May and she begged me to take her to get fitted for and buy some really cute and sexy bras. She also had to have have the perfect bikini for summer.

She went shopping yesterday and bought new dresses with her own money and just had to have new makeup to go with it. She posts on her facebook pictures of how she wants her relationship to be and they are pictures of women and men cuddling.

On top of all of that she asks me about being pregnant and what it is like to have a baby because she can't wait to have children with "Johnation" (the boyfriend

When she acts like this I get really confused. I don't know what to think or how to act. She gets really mad that I don't truly think she is transgender.

Heck, two months ago she kept telling me she was lesbian.

I don't care what she is, but I want her to be happy and she isn't since she can't figure out what she is or who she is it seems.

She informed me that she really liked the shirt but she didn't think I would approve because of how short it was.

Did you disapprove?

I think it is important here to not impose femininity on her. Being worried all the time about not showing too much skin is a part of femininity.

Every time a girl is told "You are not allowed to do that because you are a girl", it does damage.

When I was a teen, I could already point out the sexism in it, and reject it as nonsense, but your daughter doesn't seem to have many feminist leanings; being told a cannot do this or that might push her more to wanting to be a boy.

Is is just me or could it be a psychological thing and not just her thinking she is a male? Could she be using being "male" as a way to escape how she is feeling about herself?

I am pretty sure that for most girls, identifying as male is a way to escape the way patriarchy makes her feel about themselves. So, yes.

But she won't thank you for saying this to her.

Encourage her doing art (not showing her face on there is a wise decision in my opinion, not because of her looks but because someone could recognize her, and that's not always a good thing).

Encourage her doing other things that build her self-esteem - playing video games apparently isn't one.

At this point I am stressing so bad about everything that is going on. There are many things I have read online about teen girls saying they are transgender. I wonder if I have pushed her in that direction. If it is something that happened while she was at school. (She joined a LGBTQ club at the beginning of the year) If it is her friends(She has two friends who come out as lesbian/gay). If it is just her being scared of what is happening in her life.

I don't know if it is any of these things or a combination of all of them. I just know that I am confused.

Since first posting the other day I have been watching everything she does and everything she has done in the past few months and none of it make sense with her saying she is a boy.

She is the one that asked for the expensive padded bras in may because her boobs look better (her words not mine).
Now she says she hates her boobs.

Three weeks ago she wouldn't leave the house without shaving.
Today she says she hates shaving and hasn't in a long time.(The other day she ran to the bathroom to shave her armpits and legs for the pool party.)

Not a month ago she was posting pictures of her with full hair/makeup done on facebook.
Now she is taking pics of her without and hair slick back like a short cut.

Two weeks ago she was posting things about cuddling with her guy and what she wanted that relationship to be like.
Starting last weekend she has posted things about being trans. Just out of the blue.

These are just a few things I have noticed. I have noticed that most of the behavior Started last Friday/Saturday where she stayed up all night. Spent most of the night on facebook (She had just at the end of spending two weeks away from home). She friended more than 20 people that night, people she has never met. They live in another part of the country, no way for her to meet them.

Heck the day before I found a facebook message stream (I did check it till she changed it) where a 23 year old man was asking her to come to him and "hang out" they could smoke some weed. She told him she was out of town, but she was talking with him like she really wanted to hang with him before.
I made her unfriend and block the person.

With what I have seen in the past few days since she "came out" is that she hasn't mentioned she was a 'boy' again. She acts mostly the same except for the few pictures and the shaving. But that was all with in a day or two of coming out.

I feel that I should just ignore the topic for now and see where it goes. If she decides that it is really something that she is "a boy" then we will deal with it.

I am limiting the phone and facebook at night. I am encouraging her to hang out with friends that I know will not push her in any direction. I am trying to spend more time with her. We have been watching movies and just hanging out. She has been showing me her art and explaining her favorite shows to me.

I feel that spending more time with her and giving her attention out of love maybe she won't go to saying she is something she might not be just to get my attention.

In the future if she decides she is a "boy" and wants to seriously discuss it. Not coming out on facebook, or messaging her grandparents without discussing it in real life, and not after something makes her mad. Then I will be happy to discuss it and figure out a way to make it work.

For right now I want to help her feel happy and okay with who she is. I think that me spending more time with her and helping her find things she enjoys and pursuing that will help more that giving in to the notion that she might be a 'boy.'

Just want to add that earlier after taking her shower she hollers at me to come to the door. She needs the better bra(the padded expensive one) and a thong. She doesn't want the regular panties because they don't look as great in the pants she will be wearing, her butt looks better with the thong.

She also goes on to say that she is talking to her 'friend' boyfriend, well his friend(who is trans) and they were talking about how the boyfriend won't like her when she is a guy. She says no he is gay so he will like me.

I am so confused. Is she changing so the boy will love her or is this just another thing that will change with time?

Hi I was wondering how things are with your daughter? My 13 year old daughter has recently told me she is transgender. I really don’t know what to do for the best.

Hi , we have been going through this for some time now with our daughter, there is a lot of advice out there. The best that I have come across is by a therapist called sasha Ayad, she has a website called inspiredteentherapy if you go in to contacts and sign up she will email you new information as it comes out. I would also really recommend signing up to become a patron because then you can access really thoughtful videos where she explains carefully step by step how to approach this really difficult time in a way that you can engage with your teenager without affirming everything that they are saying but by being supportive and curious so that you don't appear to be in any way judgemental . She believes that many will desist in their belief that they are trans if helped to navigate this difficult time in a supportive way and she gives excellent advice on how to do this. I really wish I had known about her as soon as my daughter told us about her feelings. Good luck, it's a very difficult time as a parent X

Thanks allatsea123.

Ask the child to look up the definition of 'Non binary' or 'Genderfluid' - This might suit them a lot more