Found diary entry and daughter thinks she is transexual

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I am absolutely in a state of shock and heartbroken. Daughter left her diary open (possibly intentionally??) and I saw the words "my breasts sicken me" and I couldn't stop reading. She spoke about how she had always felt like a boy internally and since puberty hit she has disgusted at herself and her body. She mentioned feeling like this since 7. She then describes having befriended someone online who is just like her and she has been confiding in. She talks about being how called her name and "daughter" and "sister" makes her cry in the toilets.
For a bit of background she has always chosen more male gendered toys, clothes, colours etc. Even used to ask to be a boy as a young child and all her friends were boys till about 10. She has always been secretive and private but when puberty hit 18m ago it became unbeareable. She refused to wear a bra till 6m ago, wouldn't shave armpits and has never asked for sanitary products so I have just put in her draw. About 12m ago she started wearing loads of make up and then suddenly stopped in about October. She wears baggy shirts and trousers and won't wear a bra at the weekend. She has become ridiculously private spending all her time in her room and has now begun to shut her door properly to go to bed (not had door shut since a baby as scared of dark)
She cries about everything. I don't know what to do. I cannot tell my hubbie as he will be heartbroken as she is a real daddy's girl. I am just so fearful for all of our futures, especially hers. She is extremely intelligent (Oxford uni sort of clever and gets full marks in everything) but I just see her future as ruined as she will spend her life being judged and alone. She is the sort of person who is very shy so willnot cope with being stared at if she becomes known as male. I literally am broken and do not know what to do next. To top it all include df I am worried that about this new "friend" as the bit of research I have done seems to suggest he (bale was mentioned in diary) is very vocal on lots of gender dysmorphia sites and tells everyone how wonderful his life is as a F2M.

Op if you seek counselling, be very careful about the counsellor that you choose. If your daughter is seen by a therapist who uses a gender affirmative model, she is likely to be on blockers then hormones fairly quickly. I would suggest that this kind of counselling is worse than no counselling at all, as it won't give her the chance to explore why she is having these feelings, but will instead simply validate the feelings.

I would also perhaps limit her time online and want to know who exactly she is talking to. As a pp has said, she could be being groomed into trans by an older person.

transgenderreality.com/about/

The above website collects examples of the sort of thing that some trans people are saying to teenagers online. It's maybe worth looking at so you get a picture of how she could be being influenced

Wow, what a difficult time. I really feel for you.

Re bodies: I think it's normal for teenagers to go through a time of really disliking their bodies. Periods are just downright awful and every girl has my complete sympathy when she has having to go to school and cope with unpredictable menstruation coupled with PE, badly designed toilets, restrictive timetables, unsuitable sch uniform and other kids' dumb comments - at my DS's sch th students are not even permitted to carry bags, they have to just take books to lessons. Breasts can also be awful - they can jiggle when you move, nipples can show through clothes, they are too large/small etc.

Re clothes: females can easily wear gender neutral clothes - they are sold everywhere. Let her wear what she feels comfortable in. Many women live in jeans, unisex t-shirts, shirts, trainers. Really short hair for those who like it is also pretty unisex.

Regarding possibly not wanting to be a girl: You are right to take it seriously. If that's the road she chooses to take, there is a long and difficult journey ahead and she will need full support from close family members. But whatever she decides, she will still be your child and you sound like the kind of caring mum who will love her to bits whatever. Wishing you lots of strength and good luck.

If your daughter is Trans then she is! It is enirely up to her how she feels. Let her wear what she wants and act how she wants, don't make her wear 'girls' cloths, if she doesn't want to. 13 is a really difficult age, your hormones are rampaging around your body so It may just be something she is going through but if not, just make sure she knows you love her no matter what. My daughter (who is now at university) has many friends who are gay, bi and trans and they are just friends to her no-one's sexuality is an issue at all. I would also doubt that being different is such a big thing at your daughters school as you have been lead to believe. I live in a very small community and being openly gay is not the issue to the kids at high school that it was when I was at school, it is now treated as perfectly normal as opposed to something to be hidden as it was 30 years ago!

Thank you Broomstickoflove!

I know how you feel Please - this has happened to us - our daughter is older. Our daughter too is very clever/nerdy. She started suffering from anxiety then depression then came out with this announcement. I would echo the caution outlined above but loving support above anything else. She needs to know that, whether or not this persists, it feels real for her and she will always have your love and support. I would ask your GP for a referral to a clinical psychologist who specialises in general adolescent mental health- go privately if you can. Also have you considered whether she might be on the autistic spectrum? Girls are often missed - until they begin not to be able to mask their differences. This may account for her difficulties, a weak sense of identity and possibly her current obsession. Autistic people are overrepresented in the gender clinics and I think highly vulnerable to the current epidemic.
And yes try and get some help for yourself too. Speak to your husband too - you must be terrified and you need help. It is socially very difficult - there is such a stigma around poor mental health - but this is what your daughter is suffering from.

I meant to add that we had no idea how depressed our DD was as she was getting up every day and going to school - (just thinking about your DD shutting herself in her room etc) - depression is a serious illness and needs treatment. Also Young Minds has a good helpline for parents.

My dd is 15 and lesbian. She doesn't really shave, wears sports bras and boxers, has short hair, wears clothes from the mens section. There are so many young people being told they are trans because they don't fit into their societal expectations. Your daughter is 13. Give her space, let her be a gender non conforming girl. Also, I would stop contact withe their online friend. She may be being influenced.

Thank you things. I feel so lost at the moment. She has tidied up her room yesterday and filled a whole bin bag with make up and toiletries and asked to have her hair vit shirt as she hates it.( her hair is waist length so it's a big jump) She still hasn't opened up to me so I have been slowly buying her non girly smelling hair products and toiletries and bought her a sports vest and women's boxer/short style knickers. I go through phases of being upset/ in denial and am currently angry. Have been shouting at her for spending too long on her phone but she won't listen. She just seems so miserable it's heartbreaking...... I think I r right as I checked at school with her tutor when they covered LGBT relationships in PHSE and her behaviour changed about 3 weeks after that so I think she has got an idea in her head and gone with it. She just seems OTT about it e.g. She refuses to wear any clothes with pink suddenly and even swapped cups the other days when the only mug left had flowers on. It's a mug ffs!!!

My dd has always used boys/mens deoderants/toiletries etc and never worn pink either. She wears boys boxers because that's just what she likes. Also never worn nail varnish or make up etc. For the phone thing, I'd limit her time on it. There's loads of TransActivist blogs/videos who influence and contribute to the increasing number of people saying they're trans. I'd just let your dd wear/do what she wants without questions, limit her screen time and let her know that it's fine not to be a 'typical female'. Remember she is just 13 and has hormones flying all over the place so it's probably equally as confusing for her.

And I do sympathise - I have ds16 (used to be dd) who is genuinely trans and it's been hell. Mental breakdowns, screaming, shouting, self harm, eating disorders because of how he feels about himself. Many kids and teens are too easily influenced and Base it on a liking for certain colours/toys etc but the reality is far from what people make it out to be.

I am frustrated by the overwhelming positive push towards trans issues at by moment - I have a 13yo DD who has had anxiety/mental health issues and is becoming more positive due to CAMHS involvement and CBT, but is still awaiting the outcome of assessment for autism.
She insists that she has always been more like a boy (fair enough, but I did point out that being a girl doesn't mean you have to dress in pink and play with Barbie dolls). She hates her breasts and wants to bind - to which I have said no as I am worried about tissue damage. I met her halfway by buying sports bras, so her shape is minimised. I said that her older sister was always in gap hoodies and tracker bottoms, and that I wear jeans and DMs and am happier browsing round tech shops than clothes shops but she insists that that is nothing like the same. She will only read websites that support what she wants to believe, and will not accept my view which is that I couldn't give two hoots what you prefer but there is no need to label yourself. If she is straight/bi/gay I don't actually care, but I do not understand the need to label yourself at such a hormonal and confusing time of life. I hated my body at 13 and wished I didn't have to have periods but at no time would I have done anything other than get on with it. I even thought at 18/19 that I wished I knew what it felt like to have a penis as you pretty much always had an orgasm but that didn't mean I was trans! Arghh, I feel so frustrated that she will not enter a conversation without it ending with her calling me transphobic.

Housemum - have you been given any specific advice from CAMHS as to how to deal with your DD about the subject? Do they have a view as to what if any therapy might be useful for her? I have an older DD (18 so able to do this without any input from us if she wanted), again waiting for the outcome of an autism assessment. She is having treatment for anxiety (meds/CBT) but has yet to have any therapy relating to her gender issues - has been referred to a gender clinic, I think (hope) they have a long waiting list. We are just trying to stay neutral, as yes any conversation leads an accusation of being transphobic, and we don't want to back her into a corner, or indeed make her feel like we wouldn't support her if this is indeed a good solution for her.

One suggestion to go with everyone else's. Does she have any hobbies? Perhaps if she found a hobby, it may get her meeting new people, get her away from the Internet, keep her busy and in turn make her happy and get her mind off other things. I know this doesn't solve problem, but can bring some goodness to her life.

I used to do horse riding, and lived at the stables. Spent my weekends covered in mud, hanging out with girls also covered in mud, appearance meant nothing, everything was about horses and horse friends. Being active and outdoorsy was so good for me. I feel sorry for kids of today, so much more pressure because of the Internet.

I don't have dd's, only ds's, but I am very concerned that Trans is being shoved down they're throats at school, generally, amongst our UK teenagers. "covered LGBT relationships in PHSE" : thus is of course brilliant.

However the 'Trans journey' is a very different one, much more fraught and difficult. This is NOT to be underestimated.

I don't have a problem with someone being truely trans. But it feels like at the first comment of any feeling of being wierd or different, by a teenager, which is completely natural, the trans 'route' is recommended. So sad.

(Late to the thread) Some of the responses here are absolutely disgusting. Coming from a transgender male, the best thing you can do is support her. Let her cut her hair, wear what clothes she wants, refer to her as whatever she wishes, get her counselling.

Absolutely no way in hell that she'll be on any medication 'in no time'! I know many people who have had many different experiences and I've been through it myself and have seen multiple therapists. It's not an easy journey. I wish I had figured myself out at 13! Nobody gets it easy.

Your child also will not be making any 'permanent changes' to her body, that is absolutely ridiculous and comical that people assume such a thing.

She'll be put through years of therapy and see many people about this, the first medication she will get are called 'blockers' and they block the body from producing hormones she doesn't want, basically pausing puberty. Completely reversible.

Then when she turns 16 it'll be legal to be put on testosterone, which she'll have to inject for the rest of her life, but that does not mean she'll be offered it a week after her birthday or anything.

You have to be 18 for any surgery.

If your child gets turned down after she's 18 but still insists that she transitions then it'll be out of your hands and solely her decision.

Did you know that about 40% of transgender teens attempt suicide? Would the ignorant people in this thread rather have a dead child or a trans child? I really don't understand why you would have children if you wouldn't be willing to love them if they turned out to be different.
There's scientific evidence stating that transgender individuals brains are more similar to the gender they identify with than their birth sex. Gender dysphoria* being considered a mental illness is a controversial topic, but I would say that yes, it's a mental illness. And the cure is therapy and hormones. If you're honest about everything and don't rush, then honestly there is only a slim chance that your child will regret anything. Children will most likely grow out of the phase before any permanent changes are made. Also- chest binding* is not dangerous if done safely, the only way it can cause harm is if you deny your child and won't allow them to bind, therefore the child results to drastic measures I.e using tape or bandages to flatten their chest.

Its 2017, the new generation is far more accepting than the previous. Yes, there will be bullies, but don't think for a second that your child will be completely isolated. The internet is probably the only place she knows she can be herself and even has friends who accept and support her, please don't ever take that away.

Is there an edit post button? Geez.

Let me add; There are signs that someone is only claiming to be trans to be 'edgy' and I can tell you all about that, but really it doesn't sound like that's your daughter from your post.

Keep her away from tumblr and any 'gender identities' that you think are a little out there, shall I say. Demi-whatever, agender, intergender, graygender. I've genuinely never heard of anyone over 25 who identifies as any of that. These things I say are extremely looked down upon in the LGBT community but it's the best truth I can give. There are a lot of extremists out there.

As others have said, instead of deciding she's trans, how about just taking a simpler and more straightforward approach--she dislikes many of the trappings of "femininity" that she feels are being pushed on her.

If she doesn't want to wear a bra, she shouldn't have to. If school has rules, why not talk to her about getting some kind of inner layer that doesn't feel like a bra (close-fitting stretchy vest that she can wear under her shirt)?

She doesn't have to shave anything if she doesn't want to; it's her choice, and I recommend you think carefully about the language that is being used about this. She is not being bad or rebellious because she doesn't want to shave under her arms, any more than your husband is when he presumably doesn't shave under his arms either.

Be extremely careful about therapists/counselling; a lot of them rush to push kids onto the trans train regardless of whether this is a good choice for them. Can anyone here recommend any good therapists who are flexible and put the individual child first?

*She'll be put through years of therapy and see many people about this, the first medication she will get are called 'blockers' and they block the body from producing hormones she doesn't want, basically pausing puberty. Completely reversible.

Then when she turns 16 it'll be legal to be put on testosterone, which she'll have to inject for the rest of her life, but that does not mean she'll be offered it a week after her birthday or anything.*

" ''ll"
"will"
" 'll"
"will"

....etc.

Wow, you sound awfully confident that this girl "is" going to become transgender.

I think your confident use of the future tense in this post pretty much sums up the way these kids are being rapidly tracked into transitioning.

I am nearly 65 and haven't worn a bra since I left school, never wear a skirt, hated puberty, hated having breasts, except for when I breastfed. There a lot of benefits to being a boy, like being able to go out alone at night, for example, but as soon as got away from home I have always gone out and about whenever and wherever I like. It is great to be a woman when you don't have to conform to stereotypes.

*" ''ll"
"will"
" 'll"
"will"

....etc.

Wow, you sound awfully confident that this girl "is" going to become transgender.

I think your confident use of the future tense in this post pretty much sums up the way these kids are being rapidly tracked into transitioning.*

To be fair, I did write his at 2am...and wasn't wrong...she will be put through years of therapy and at 16 is the age requirement for permanent treatment. Think you're clutching onto straws to justify putting this poor girl through hell just because you hold some prejudice.

Note how I've always referred to the kid as 'she'?

I suppose everyone saying that therapists push kids into making these lifelong decisions all have firsthand experience then?

No, I don't hold prejudice.

Please do not misrepresent the nature of your post.

The use of the word "will" was not just in reference to therapy. You used the future tense, repeatedly, with reference to medical therapy.

the first medication she will get are called 'blockers'
Then when she turns 16 it'll be legal to be put on testosterone, which she'll have to inject for the rest of her life

We are talking about a young girl who is experiencing some difficult personal issues. The fact that your immediate, unthinking reaction is to start trotting out a full-fledged plan of medical procedures speaks volumes to me.

No, blockers are not "completely reversible"--have you seen the recent publicity about the long-tern effects of Lupron in children who have taken it and similar drugs? Weakened bone tissue and tooth enamel are just the start.

I don't doubt that this and the medical risks involved with all the other aspects of transition may be worth it for a small number of people who genuinely will have difficulty living as a gender-nonconforming lesbian, but given the invasive and impossible-to-reverse nature of much of this, we should be treading VERY carefully before sending kids off down this path.

It is NOT the same as a child coming out as gay or bisexual; if a young person changes their mind about this stuff a bit later, by that point they will probably have done some things to their body that are going to be extremely hard to put back.

Note how I've always referred to the kid as 'she'?

How gracious of you to refer to a non-transitioned, biologically 100% female person as "she." Is this the new standard for responsible gender identity disorder care--the "non-pushy" ones are the ones who don't instantly start calling a girl "he" the very second she raises doubts about her gender identity.