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This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

LGBT children

Help please, teen questioning gender.

50 replies

marvelousdcomics · 16/09/2016 18:37

I'll try to keep this brief as its a very long story.

Dd 14 has always been an extreme 'tomboy'. Had her phone confiscated recently. Msg came through from friend saying "are you okay?" I was worried so read recent msgs. Turns out she believes she is a boy, and truly despises her body. Shes also had anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder, and shes said (when I questioned her) that she doesn't know what she thinks, because her feelings may just be the EDs interfering. Shes told me millions of times "when I'm older I'm going to cut my boobs off and cut my hair really short" (which I refused because she attends school with dreadful bullies). I also tell her every single time we go underwear shopping "no boxers, you have periods, they're for boys etc". Two months ago she went out and bought boxers, tried to hide them even though I knew. Haven't mentioned it. Shes always worn 'boys' clothes, I don't have a problem with it. She came out as lesbian 2 weeks ago but says she doesn't feel like a lesbian, she feels straight because she thinks shes a boy. Shes also somehow got hold of a binder (!!) which was still in packaging and has been confiscated. I've said its dangerous and although I fully accept who she is and wants to be, I don't want her hurting herself. She says when people use her birth name or female pronouns she correct them with male versions in her head. She has suffered before from anxiety, depression and self harm but these are subsiding. She says she truly hates her body and cries herself to sleep every night.

I truly love her so much. I'm very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community and love her no matter who she is. I'm so distraught about how she feels, shes terribly confused and is miserable. What do I do? I'm truly, unbelievably stuck.

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marvelousdcomics · 24/09/2016 19:30

Bump, urgently need adviceSad

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BombadierFritz · 24/09/2016 19:41

very sorry op :(
I have no advice but she is obviously struggling with body issues and mh. hope the therapist is able to help as well. just a quick query about the asd. was it a person who specialises in asd who assessed and do you personally feel the descriptors for girls sounded like her? it can take a long time for girls/women to be correctly.diagnosed

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FoggyMorn · 24/09/2016 19:48

It's been a week, she can't have been fully assessed for ASD in that time! I assume she's had a screening test. These are SCREENING tests, they are not diagnostic and they are pretty rubbish at picking up girls on the spectrum (who tend to present differently), and also anyone who's very high functioning, again, they may present differently.

Your DC sounds very distressed. I think you need to consider that, ASD or not, she may actually be trans.

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marvelousdcomics · 24/09/2016 19:54

Yes, it was a screening test. I'm not very knowledgeable about asd so wouldn't have known the difference. The eating disorders are mostly resolved now, but her body image is terrible.

Foggy, yes I know I do. I'm so scared for her and about what will happen in the future etc. Its become such a 'trend' but dd is very genuine about her feelings and I'm just stuck with the next steps.

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nooka · 25/09/2016 00:21

If periods are particularly psychologically painful, might it be worth chatting to the doctor about going on the pill or mini pill? Some are designed to stop or at least seriously reduce periods. Of course there are some risks that it might affect her mood but worth a conversation perhaps.

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htdef · 28/09/2016 22:56

I am trans - FTM, and had a parent who made it clear that there is no such thing etc. To keep her happy I went along with it, it made me feel so ashamed, I'm now 29 and am only now on the waiting list for a GIC and have spent my young life battling eating disorders as I cannot get used to having hips and thighs, wearing thick jumpers throughout summer just to hide my body and generally living in a silent hell whilst trying to pretend that I'm totally fine so as to not upset my parents.

I also get the feeling of jealousy around men, it is so agonisingly frustrating. So much stuff that I read on Mumsnet is so off the mark about what being trans is - I do though feel that transsexual works better for me as it is a disjoint between what my brain is expecting to see when I see my reflection and what is actually there. Obviously gender is a social construct and being a masculine female doesn't make you trans, that is a totally valid way in which to be female.

At the same time I wouldn't push for medically transitioning at such a young age, as so much changes and your idea of yourself at that age is so easily influenced by outside sources. I would honestly just let them know that you love and support them no matter what, that they can express their gender in any way without needing to transition if that is what they would rather, and that if they are trans then that is no issue either and you will be there.

Also, high impact sports bras helped me a lot, they aren't as restrictive as binding but you can kind of forget a bit about your chest more than when wearing a normal bra.

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Stopmakingsense · 01/10/2016 09:46

That sounds like good advice from htdef. I am sorry you had a miserable time, but it is reassuring to hear that despite that you don't think rushing things is a good idea. We are going through the same thing. We think our DD has ASD, but the GP said that anxiety can lead to similar symptoms, so it might be a chicken and egg thing. In your DD's case anxiety does sound like the primary diagnosis, and the fairly sudden gender change might be the latest way she has of controlling her anxiety, replacing the eating disorder? It is such a hard thing to deal with. Our DD is on A-Ds now which has helped a lot. She is still convinced she is a man in a woman's body, (there is no rational argument to be had with her, so we are remaining neutral) has short hair and has enrolled at uni with another name and male pronoun. And is doing OK, everyone appears to be taking her at face value, and being kind, for which I am profoundly grateful. I may be in denial, but I don't think long term this will last, I am just hoping that she will be able to emerge with as little emotional damage as possible. Equally, if it does last, the same thing applies. I am very scared of the 'transition or die' rhetoric, and of an over powerful trans lobby, and can only hope that the medical professionals involved in her care use their own clinical judgement to give her the treatment she needs, (rather than the treatment she wants) and that she makes no irreversible changes before she is fully mature. It's a really scary place to be.

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Twatty · 01/10/2016 10:33

Could the hightened destress be because of the period?

I mean, I suffer from depression and anxiety, I'm fairly stable now, but around the time of my period everything changes perspective, the most rationale of things can suddenly become the biggest obstacle. I have broken down and wanted to run away because my life seems so bleak for the future.

So I can imagine if you are already struggling with MH, body image ect these could also be made even worse with everything that goes on in the body and brain around that time of the month.

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marvelousdcomics · 02/10/2016 14:42

Hi htdef - that's a strong story. I do genuinely believe dc, I wholeheartedly support their decision and all other trans people. Since the other day we've talked a lot. They said they don't want to be a boy, but doesn't want breasts or periods so I don't know what they are. The only thing they've requested I gender neutral pronouns so I've gone along with it and they're a bit better. They said they may identify as FTM trans in the future or demigender/something else, but not female. They said the same thing as you - they get jealous around men and boys, saying its not fair they were born "right".

Stopmakingsense - thanks for the response. The gender change isn't that sudden actually. They've always had so many problems with being female. When I bought their first bra they were crying and screaming, they've always preferred being mistaken for a boy. I just want them to be happy, they're my child and I love them. At the moment I'm just respecting their wishes and taking each day one at a time.

Twatty - I think the period caused more distressed because it reminds them of their body that they don't like. As I said, well just take one day at a time.

Thank you everyone, so much Smile

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tubasinthemoonlight · 04/10/2016 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stopmakingsense · 05/10/2016 15:14

Tubas - I think I have read your long thread, and there is no way I would accuse you of child abuse, rushing into treatment or anything else. It was a very moving story. There are clearly cases when gender reassignment is an effective treatment, as your story suggests. The problem I have is that vulnerable, emotionally immature girls like my DD, who have had other mental health problems and/or are simply not stereotypically girly, are, out of the blue, first socially transitioning and then seem to be on a one way track to medical transitioning with no one being able to explore with her other causes and other treatments for fear of being transphobic. And as parents we are afraid of challenging either because we don't want our child to feel disbelieved or rejected. I do also fear for life-long changes being taken before a person is fully mature (probably around 25), although I understand that for some individuals the wait is intolerable.

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tubasinthemoonlight · 05/10/2016 18:08

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tubasinthemoonlight · 05/10/2016 18:14

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Stopmakingsense · 06/10/2016 11:22

Thank you for your comments tubas - it is really helpful to hear from someone who has been through the process and has reflected on it.

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Kennington · 06/10/2016 11:29

I don't know about trans issues so cannot comment. However I wouldn't underestimate the revulsion at periods. Getting on a light pill and stopping or lightening periods helped me.
Also logging in the calendar when I was due and taking painkillers and knowing in advance also helped.
This might help while you wait for other interventions from actual experts. And at least your GP can organise this quickly.

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marvelousdcomics · 10/10/2016 06:53

Hi everyone, thank you for all responses. We have talked a lot, and I think I have to accept that I do have a son (at least for the time being). We've begun introducing male pronouns and he seems so much happier! He also hasn't self harmed for a couple of days which is so amazing for him. We haven't told school as we are slowly easing in to it at home. I've told him we'll take it very slow so he doesn't do anything he later regrets. He's said he doesn't want hormones anyway, just the chest surgery etc. It's so strange what's happening, but I just want the best for my child and he is so much happier now than he has been in so long. Funnily enough he's against the trans 'trend' actually. He says its a fad now but even if it wasn't one he'd still be who he is. He isn't easily influenced either so I believe he is genuine. Thank you for everyone who posted. We will see a therapist at some point (not a gender therapist, a 'normal' one - I don't want him pushed into anything he wont like). Thank you.

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marvelousdcomics · 27/10/2016 18:08

DD isn't happy Sad. She doesn't know who she is or anything, and she's been binging again. I think her 'trans identity' was a mask for her feelings. She is miserable. She says she isn't a boy and doesn't want to be - she just wants to be happy. I don't know what to do. The GP is useless. This is now more about ED's I think, although she's had some homophobic things thrown at her recently. Really struggling right now Sad

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M0stlyHet · 27/10/2016 19:22

I saw your post earlier on my phone, and didn't want it to go unanswered. So sorry to hear things are still so confusing for your DD and you - I haven't got any solutions, but the fluctuations in her mood do seem to suggest you are doing absolutely the right thing to be as supportive as possible while discouraging her from any sort of permanent course of action. There are some very thoughtful posts upthread, which I know you've read and taken on board - hopefully some of them will see this bump and come back with some more focused input than I can give.

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marvelousdcomics · 27/10/2016 21:17

Thank you M0stly.

Today has been awful Sad She's gone to bed now. Praying for a better day tomorrow

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marvelousdcomics · 28/10/2016 20:05

Just bumping this again tonight in the hope that someone will come along.

Dc is very distressed today. They say that they ARE a boy (yesterday was different) and we've had crying and shouting all day. They keep looking at their reflection and crying and flattening their chest. Its really distressing and I have no idea what to do. Dc says they feel guilty for feeling this way, as would love to be a happy woman but they cant Sad

Really hope someone comes along

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tubasinthemoonlight · 29/10/2016 11:09

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marvelousdcomics · 29/10/2016 12:11

Thank you tubas Smile. Dc has always worn 'boys' clothing and recently got a short haircut and boxers. They just aren't happy with their body. I've told them that I do take them seriously (also under CAMHS), however I do not want to help them do something they may regret, so for the time being we are taking each day as it comes. I think the worst thing is that they feel really guilty and ashamed all the time. They just want to be happy and 'normal'.

Dc is also upset because they fell out with a best friend who knows everything (eating disorders, depression, anxiety, self harm, gender & sexuality issues) who called them an 'attention seeking w*e' and a 'tranny' Sad. I told dc that they don't need that negativity and to ignore the person in question. I also told them I loved them and always would.

Dc always used to say (from puberty) 'when I'm older I'm going to cut my boobs off, I don't even care what anyone says' and I always responded sarcastically Sad I just wish things were a bit better

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Stopmakingsense · 31/10/2016 18:42

Marvelous -only just seen this. I hope things have settled down. Poor kid - hopefully CAMHS or GP can help.

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tubasinthemoonlight · 01/11/2016 21:19

Sorry I had to get my posts withdrawn on this thread. Someone was posting personal details about me on another thread and I think they identified me from information I had put on here. I was identifiable to them because it was someone I used to know.

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Kelsar · 05/02/2017 09:15

Hi.
I understand your concern around the binder.
Do you have any idea where she got it? Perhaps someone else got it for her? Does she has any other support network? Might anyone else know?

In terms of her hair and her clothes, it how she wants to express herself. I can understand how you don't wish for her to be bullied at school but surely the fact that she will more comfortable is all that matters? May be she will cut it off, feel more comfortable and flourish the bullies won't stand a chance - that's even if they bully here they may not?

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