Im 16, gay looking for some advice please :)

[oliver16]

Hello, im not a mum but had this website and netmums recommended to me by my friends mum. I came out to my mum and dad at the end if the summer holidays and they've refused to accept it. They won't even speak about it and they're hardly talking to me.
I'm not allowed on Facebook etc and my internet is monitored. The only chance I getis here at my friends house.
I just really want to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through or if anyone has any advice on how to deal with my parents?

Thanks so much

Today 15:00 secretsquirrels

oliver16 I am so sorry that your parents haven't reacted well to you coming out. Do you have an aunt or other relative you could talk to? I guess you have talked to the friend's mum who recommended this site . Might she talk to your parents?

Today 15:02 Madcatgirl

Have you tried someone like stonewall? They will probably be able to if not help,you point you in the direction of appropriate counselling.

You were brave to come out and your mum and dad will just have to accept it. You are who you are and ignoring only hurts you for which I'm sorry for you.

I hope they learn to accept you and move on with your lives.

Good luck

Today 15:55 oliver16

Thank you both so much for replying I have sent an email to stone wall! I don't think I need councelling though? I really wanted to know if there are any mums on here who might be able to help me with my parents? I have no idea what to say or do! They barely acknowledge me!? Is there anyone on here I could speak to? I feel so trapped because I'm reliant on my mum to drive me anywhere. I don't think I've ever met another gay person I my life!!!

Today 15:56 oliver16

Oh I forgot there isn't anyone apart from my friend I can speak to. Her mum is scared of my mum, I think everyone is!!!

Today 15:59 Madcatgirl

Sorry I meant for you parents, not you.

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Today 16:02 Madcatgirl

There is actually a board on here for Parents of LGBT children and LGBT parents too, ask on there and I know you'll get someone to talk to there.

Today 16:07 oliver16

Thank you! Ill have a look! Haha my.parents definitely need counselling! Thank you so much

Hi Oliver,

There's lot I can add here. I'm a 28 year old gay man from an Irish catholic family, I came out at 16 also. I'm now married with an 18 month old.

Firstly, I really want to say that I do feel for you. I know it's horrible what's going on now. I was lucky in that my parents were never religious (although the rest of their families are), so it was never a problem for me. Coming out is difficult enough without the added pressure of unsupportive parents. The biggest thing to remember is that you're not alone. Where abouts in the country are you? There are lots of support options available, even out in the sticks. I agree with others that school will be able to support you. If your parents ask you to leave, your school can contact your local social services authority who will be able to find you emergency accommodation. Maybe have a look for LGBT youth support groups in your nearest big city? If you're working, the commute shouldn't be all that expensive to get into a city by bus/train. If you want independence, it would be a good thing to stop relying on your Mum for lifts and take on more yourself.

There's some really great advice on this forum. My hat goes off to all of you, really - wonderful parents!

With regards to university, your life is YOURS. Your parents have no right to dictate what you do, especially after 18. You have the right to make your own choices in life. Again, if you're having difficulty applying for the courses you want, school should be able to help. Maybe staying a bit later to use some computer time and apply for the courses you want to do? Your parents wouldn't know about it that way so by the time you get a place, it's too late.

Good luck!! Things will work out for you either way, I promise. You're very brave and I already have huge admiration for you for accepting and embracing who you are. Just remember, your sexuality is important, but it doesn't define you as a person. You are way more than that and you parents maybe need to be reminded that you're still the son they love, the same person - that hasn't changed.

If you need to ask anything at all, please feel free to do so

Thank you so so much everyone :)
I spoke to my art teacher yesterday ans he gave me some websites and phone numbers of organisations today. He also said that I can use his classroom at lunch and break which is amazing because I was having trouble with some people in my year.
I spoke to my mum too, or tried to! She said again that its not an option and that its not up fr discussion and did I want counselling so I'm back at my friends house now although she's away on a school trip so its just me and her mum.
Ive been looking at uni courses and I've found a few. Creative wrying courses I like the sound of :)
rabbit123 thank you s much for your reply!!!! :) would it be OK if I sent you a message ? :)

oh good news about your art teacher being supportive.
Funny that your mum says 'it'snot an option'- when actually your sexuality is not up for discussion- it just is (does that make sense?)
anyway, I think concentrate on getting that university place, everything will be MUCH better then. I know 2 years seems like a long time now, but it's not, not really.

Hi Oliver,

Of course you can!

I find it very amusing that your Mum thinks it's "not an option", like it's some sort of choice you've made. When things have calmed down and your situation is more stable, it might be worth sitting down with your Mum and making sure she knows that this is not a choice you've made, it's a fact. There's nothing wrong with you, this is just 1 part of who you are. A very small piece that makes up you as a whole person. It doesn't define you or your life, but it's still important to be open and honest about who you are for your own sake as well as others. Sometimes, you have to be as firm with your parents as they are with you.

Please do speak to your head of year or so,done else in school you feel is approachable. I'm a head of year and have access to councilling and can liase with parents if that's what you would wish.

There is lots of support in school. Please talk to someone

Hi everyone :) this is the only chance I've had to come online. Thank you so much for the support :)

Mr Gore my teacher is being amazing, he said about talking to my parents and my year head rang them up but they refused to come in to talk. Nothings really changed, my dad hasn't spoken to me for days and my mum only does if she has to. ive been looking at uni's though and im working more hours at the bookshop so that i have more money to actually do anything!!

The bullying at school has got a bit better too because im in the art room for lunch and breaks and stuff so im feeling a bit better about that just hoping my parents come round soon!!! :)

Thank you so much :)

It will get better, they will get used to it eventually

When I was young,many years ago my best friend came out and his parents were really religious and were genuinely appalled. They were not supportive in the slightest. A few years later my friend and his boyfriend moved in with his parents. They now have a very strong relationship.
Sometimes they just need time
I would advise joining a support group A quick google should find one I. Your local area.

Hi Oliver,

Hope you're still reading here and I hope things are OK for you.
Our son came out to me and his dad a couple of years ago when he was 16.
I'm sorry that your parents are having trouble coming to terms with you being gay, but hopefully they will do eventually.
You've got some great advice from people here and it sounds like you've got a good plan re. going to uni.
I wish you lots of luck and happiness for the future, you sound like a great person.
Keep visiting MN when you need a bit of support - there are lots of people here who will be happy to chat with you.

Best wishes

It will all get better over time. Parents often react badly to their children coming out at first, and then accept it after a while.

You might find it helpful to meet other young gay and lesbian people. Try googling "gay youth support groups". There are tons, and there could be one in your local area.

Or you can phone the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard to talk to someone about it all. www.llgs.org.uk/helpline.html
The helpline number is 0300 330 0630
^(Calls to this number will cost you the same as calls to 01 and 02 numbers and are included in any call allowances you may have either on a mobile or landline)
Open between 10am and 11pm every day of the week, 365 days a year.^

There are also support groups for parents of lesbian and gay kids. One day they might want to look into that themselves. FFLAG have advice about coming out for young people and their parents - www.fflag.org.uk/

All the best. And know you are doing the best thing by being yourself.

Hi Oliver

I've just read this thread and are hoping you're ok. I'm so sorry that your parents have reacted this way.

My son came out to us as gay when he was 16. For us, it isn't an issue but I did make sure that he was aware of where he could get help and support in case he came up against homophobia.

You say you work in a bookshop, so I imagine you're in or near a reasonable sized town, There might be a LGBT support group or youth group. Try googling.

You sound like an amazing and very mature teenager. I imagine your home life is pretty grim at the moment, but as others have said, focus on the end of Year 13 and being able to move out and go off to Uni.

I really hope that your parents come round, but if they don't, do make the most if the other adults in your life who are supportive. Your friends mum sounds like a good source of support, as does your art teacher. I imagine that if you have been brought up Catholic, you have Godparents. Are you close to them and could they talk to your parents for you?

Good luck.