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Legal matters

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ex boyfriend tried to take 9 week old baby last night is that legal?

38 replies

BeverleyJane · 23/02/2010 10:26

My ex says he has equal rights which entitles him to take our son whenever and wherever he pleases. I take the baby for visits monday wednesday and saturdays, it is my brothers birthday so we had the visit at my mums so he could see baby too. My ex wanted to take the baby to his for an hour, so far I havent felt comfortable letting him have the baby alone and Im breastfeeding so I said no but had not asked him to leave. a little later he just stood up and walked out with the baby. I got to the front dooir first so he went to the kitchen and out the back door but couldnt get the gate open so after waiting in the garden agreed to come in as it was cold an icy and baby was not in a snowsuit. We had to get the police out as he would not give baby back and even tried telling the officer he wouldnt let go of baby as he doesnt trust me and thinks I may hurt the baby. I dont know what to do

OP posts:
JollyPirate · 23/02/2010 11:16

Okay so he has a history of violence as well. No - you are well within your rights to say to him "get a solicitor and take it to court". You are right - this baby is not a weapon and your ex is trying to hurt you by using him. Not good behaviour at all and I bet the police will note this. If it helps I can tell you that the police categorise offenders of domestic violence into "Moderate", "High", and "Very High" risk. I would bet he comes into one of the last two categories. And a court will note that as well.

KwanYin · 23/02/2010 11:32

Oh god, he's been an utter arse, I don't agree at all with his behaviour, what I'm saying is I can see why he's upset.

You're saying you're not comfortable with him being with his baby alone for even an hour, and that's not about the fact that you are breastfeeding. Take breastfeeding out of the equation and you'd still not be happy about it would you?

GypsyMoth · 23/02/2010 11:36

sassa......are you sure about that re a residence order?

he does not need a residence order....

op..try www.wikivorce.com child contact/residency forums....very helpful

BeverleyJane · 23/02/2010 11:48

in time I may have been comfortable if he'd shown me he could care for him properly and had the baby's interests in mind not his own.I think if I let this go he will just continue to push the boundaries that are set for him. I didnt want it to come to this.

OP posts:
JollyPirate · 23/02/2010 12:09

Actually I would agree with you Beverley. His actions do not show someone who is able to put the needs of his child first - rather someone who will, if pushed, put that child at risk. Whether he's upset or not about the situation he needs to be a grown up about things and support the mother of his child who is doing her best to give that child a good start by breastfeeding.
Even taking breastfeeding out of the equation it's concerning - he has a history of violence and I wouldn't be happy as the mother about allowing my child to be wih him unsupervised either given that up to 70% of men who are abusive to thier partners are also abusive to their childfen (not just physical violence).
Gosh - sounded very Jeremy Kyle there......

sungirltan · 23/02/2010 12:12

he doesn't need a residence order - that is whats used in court to define the main living place place - not where the child goes when thje other parent has access to the dc. a residence order is a whats known as a 'section 8 order' from CA '89 - they are awarded when the main residence of the child ocmes into question and have to be applied for with reasonable grounds. for example a friend of mine has a residence order for her neice whom she fosters. anyway....i think op should make arrangements today to either go to a solicitor/ss and find someone who can talk her through all her rights (and dads) and all the legalities of this situation.

don't panic though, op - there is lots of law to help you in thsi situation. best wishes xx

NicknameTaken · 25/02/2010 10:04

KwanYin, the OP has damn good reason not to be comfortable leaving her ex alone with her baby.

BeverleyJane, you mention that your ex has family in Germany. Does he have a German passport? If so, you could always email the German embassy ([email protected]) to ask them not to issue a German passport. It's probably not necessary, but it's only an email, and it can put your mind at ease.

STIDW · 26/02/2010 02:30

A different perspective - emotions are running high and there is often no trust, but I think it's important not to overreact. Contact is the right of the child, not parents, and good contact for children relies on parents learning to work together. Stopping contact effectively forcing the issue through the courts tends to prevent that from ever happening and a better way forward its to negotiate an agreement about how contact is to develop. Would it really be so bad for the Father to have the child alone for an hour say on a Saturday to walk to the park or take home? The only way any of us gain parenting skills is by actually caring for our offspring.

Both parents have equal Parental Responsibilities and most parents come to arrangements themselves. When that isn't possible the orders (contact, residence, specific issue, prohibited steps) in s8 Children Act 1989 can regulate PR.

To clarify, s13 of the Act says that when a residence order is in force neither parent shall remove the child from the the UK but this doesn't prevent the removal of a child, for a period of less than one month, by the person in whose favour the residence order is made. When there is no residence order in force either parent may take a child abroad for up to one month.

However, the overriding factor is the best interests of the child and in an emergency it's possible to apply the same day for an interim residence order to prevent a child's sense of security and established bonds from being disrupted and a prohibited steps order to prevent a child being removed from the UK.

When there is no a residence order in place the police don't really have the authority to do anything unless they are convinced there is evidence of potential international child abduction in which case they issue a warning to all UK ports.

zippyzapper · 26/02/2010 02:41

I'm really sorry but I think a 9 week old baby who is exclusively bf should NOT be left without the mother and NOT with someone the mother does not trust.

What happens if the baby is hungry - my baby often went for feeds every hr or every two hrs.

Is there no legal recognition of this situation??

I find that really puzzling - as what happens in such a scenario - can you really get shared custody at such a young age.

humptynumpty · 26/02/2010 04:18

beverleyjane am really for you.
What happened with you and ex? When and why did you break up? Sorry, not being nosey, just trying to understand the situation.
To be honest, if I was you, I would definately keep up the breast feeding as that will hopefully buy you some time for keeping the baby close by for a little while. And try to keep letting him see baby, although it must be supervised, I mean, with you and a family member or friend nearby.
I think you should try to make some kind of contact work... and please get to CAB or solicitor straight away for some advice. You don't have to start legal proceedings, but at least it will set your mind at rest because you will know where you stand legally.
Good luck and don't let worrying about this spoil your time with your new baby.

BeverleyJane · 26/02/2010 16:56

after having the baby my ex became more of a hinderance than a help. He was obsessed with being the first to do things, taking him outside first, giving him his first bath etc regardless of what I thought. He made mess in the flat instead of helping tidy up, argued with me about EVERY thing. he said sterilizing was unneccessary, stuck his fingers in babys mouth often (as I pointed out his hands were filthy as he smokes, has a dog and repeatedly touches his crotch.) he does not wash or brush his teeth often and my feelings for him had just changed. flaws that I never paid much attention to seemed worse. we broke up a few weeks ago. Im getting a bit sick of hearing from him and his family about how unreasonable I am being. We now have solicitors who are helping us try and sort out contact arrangements. I am trying everything I can to do whats best for our baby. I wish I was the person they are making me out to be then I could just take him to court and not care about whether he sees our baby or not. Unfortunately I am not and I want my baby to know his dad and be involved in his life. before this they used to threaten to take me to court to 'get his rights' now I got a solicitor after he took the baby they are saying 'you dont want to go to court BELIEVE ME' and say our baby will be taken by social services into care. My solicitor thinks theyre just scared court will go badly for them. I dont smoke, dont drink, have no pets, have worked in schools,nurseries and nannied for babies Im a good mum I dont deserve this. he's now found a banner online and is saying hes being treated like a terrorist and its a disgrace whatever happened to equal rights because instead of talking to his solicitor he decided to sit outside my mothers house ringing me and all my family members repeatedly and I was advised to call the police. im just trying to do the right thing

OP posts:
humptynumpty · 26/02/2010 19:06

oh beverley, this sounds like a total nightmare. You are just trying to keep him in the picture and he seems determined to be an arse!
I suspect these threats about social services etc are just scare tactics, he knows you will worry if you think your child will be taken away etc.. it's just to frighten you.
When it comes to it, all you can do is be straight down the line.
I'm really glad you got solicitors advice, remember it doesn't have to go to court etc, you are just getting advice. It may all sort itself out if they realise you are being serious.
I really hope things settle down and you can enjoy your baby.
x

KwanYin · 27/02/2010 13:49

Nametaken, I posted in response to Beverley's OP when she didn't give any reason why she felt he shouldn't take the baby out for an hour. We have more of a picture of what he's like now.

Like I said later, he acted like a complete arse. All I was trying to do was point out what might be winding him up.

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