Slander, is this worth pursuing?

[Braindrain22]

Very very long story and I will try and keep this brief.

My elderly aunt died a few years ago. Leading up to her death my DM had been getting her shopping, paying her bills etc.

My aunt was quite wealthy and paid for her own care. She asked one of these carers to take on extra hours, cash in hand. At the time I told my DM bot to go along with this as it opened her up to accusations.

But she would withdraw money from my aunts post office account and pay the carer in cash. My aunt was housebound and paid all her bills etc in cash which my DM would do for her.

My cousins had virtually no contact with my aunt in the years leading up to her death. There had been a will change about 10 years ago ( against my uncles last wishes) but basically leaving the large chunk of money to 3 of my cousins and my cousins husband as executor.

The stuff about the will is a whole other thread.

We feel out with my cousins as when my aunt passed they accused my DM of not looking after her properly. It caused a huge fallout as they hadn't been near her for years and they had the cheek to accuse my DM who was the only one looking after her. Organising cleaners, gardeners etc, but were all paid in cash.

For many reasons we cut off the family and fast forward to the inheritance being sorted it was only my brother and I who did not receive anything.

I contacted my cousins husband and asked why? He first said that he had contacted us (not true) and we hadn't replied.

I got into a bit of an argument with him and then he said that there had been lots off withdrawals from my aunts account and they wanted to know where the money had gone? The carer had denied getting cash (she would have lost her job if they found out)

He was very carful in his text messages but was insinuating my DM had been taking the money. My DM had never taken a penny from my aunt. My DF was seriously ill so I never told my DM about the conversation.

My brother and I received our inheritance and we dropped it.

But it has been hugely grating on me that he tried to accuse my DM. She knows now and is extremely upset. She also said there was around £4k in cash at my aunts which she told them about which wasn't in the accounts that I had to force the executor to send me.

Can we do anything about these accusations? It has caused a lot of upset for us.

sorry for the length but so much has happened around this that I haven't even said

Agreed. She also can't prove she didn't keep the money.

He didn't ask us for bank details! Everyone was paid out and he was holding our money.
He lied that he had messaged me, he then said he had 12 years to contact me. Then he said about all this stuff with my DM.

Im letting it go, but honestly he was so rude and condescending.

Sorry but they do have a point. When my late Dads care was being managed we had to be rigorous about this kind of thing- with all due respect whilst aunt may have said she'd explained it to other family, drawing out cash for someone else no matter the reason or the good intention at the time always leads to issues later especially after that person has passed away and can no longer confirm or deny things. The biggest error was having a carer who insisted on cash and was then quite comfortable lying about it after. You could have and should have employed proper carers who were willing to be on the books.

This is very difficult. So basically it was unrecorded hours paid in cash that the carer says she didn’t do. So all they see is large sums of money going out, and to family members who had been reduced or removed from the will. Your mother must have known how this would look, so I do think she should have done everything by the book.

Did you know the career well enough to contact them, explain what's happened and see if they would speak to a cousin to confirm what the money was used for, especially if they were grateful to your DM at the time? There'd be nothing in writing that could be held against them. It's a longshot though, because they might still be worried about it getting back to the agency, and it risks resurrecting something awkward with the cousins.

Limitation period for slander is only 1 year.

can you afford to take the case to court privately because its a civil matter? It won't be cheap and if you lose, costs could be awarded against you.

They said the carer had denied everything. I know it was incredibly stupid of my mum to do this.

The carer will not admit it as she will lose her job. They know that my DM is not capable of this. Maybe it's guilt because they were happy for my aunt to pay for stuff but once she needed help they did nothing for her.

Money and wills bring out the worst in people. If you know, and your mum knows, that nothing untoward happened then ignore what anyone else says and let them crack on. People watching on can make their own minds up.

I think it's not worth it, I really wanted to just send him a legal letter to warn him. Wipe the smug grin off his face.

That comment was made to @NoOneToCallWhenThePlaneLands for their condescending remarks about my use of emoji.

I see

Because you’re a grown adult pouting because your mother messed up. Was the money actually used to pay people?

Be very, very careful. Any accusations you get a lawyer to put in writing could be seen as libel by you.

A defamatory statement is an untrue statement of fact about someone made to a third party, who in this case is you, and which would cause the third party to think poorly of the person who is the subject of the statement. So, technically what your cousin has said to you about your mum could be defamatory, but in fact it isn’t because she’s your mum and you don’t think poorly of her.

It is very hard to succeed in a defamation claim, not to mention very expensive, and the time-bar for bringing a claim is 1 year from the date the statement is made/published.

I don’t think this is at all worth pursuing as a legal matter. Just cut the horrible relatives out of your lives.

The sad face emoji was because of the hurt and destruction this has caused my elderly parents.

My DM is a very kind and caring person. My aunt would often offer her and myself money. We never took a penny, even the shopping bill my mum refused to let her round it up and gave her the exact change.

My parents are not money orientated in the slightest (unlike my cousins.) I think his intention was to keep mine and my brothers inheritance for himself and got bothered when I called him out.

As I said there was also £4k in cash in the house, my mum told my aunt about this. It is well known in our family that she used to keep cash in the house for emergencies.
That wasn't put in the list of assets in the accounts.

A couple of the inheritance recipients live overseas and had no contact with my aunt. I would be surprised if he actually paid this out.

I am going to leave it. My DF is very poorly and it has just brought everything up again. I know my aunt (DF sister) has been upset that he has cut her off. But not once did she try to reach out to my parents to discuss it all.

Thank you for this, I think they have said it to other people as a reason why my parents have cut them all off.

I want my DM to forget about it now, I know it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die

Why everyone had to be paid in cash?

I would really advise against any kind of legal letter because you wouldn’t be wiping the grin off of his face, you’d be opening the door to a legal letter of his own heading straight for your mum.

Except where yours has no real standing, his- a woman withdrawing large sums of cash from an account over a prolonged period of time, with no receipts or proof as to where that money has gone, that’s not just civil thats very potentially criminal, and an open and shut case at that.

Wills and money bring out the absolute worst in some people.

You won't be the first and you certainly won't be the last to go through this. It is hurtful and it is disrespectful of your family to treat your mom this way. Arguing and fighting over money after someone's death is disgusting and accusing your mom of doing something wrong when all she did was look after a dying relative is a low blow - it also speaks volumes about them who couldn't even be bothered to help. I think the shame firmly lies with them.

Your mom did what she needed to do. She stepped up. She did what was asked - so what if she was withdrawing money? I did it for my dad - his bills still needed paying when he wasn't able to get out and do it himself. My conscience is clear.

Hold your head up high. You probably can't do anything in terms of suing them but you can tell them exactly what you think of them, if you so wish. Then tell them all to piss off!

Is there any need to be so nasty?

Her mother hasn't messed up. She stepped up and helped when others wouldn't.

Presuming the person who died was elderly, a lot of elderly prefer it this way. They grew up with cash, not bank transfers and cash machines.

Thank you @Helen1625 for your replies. You have really hit the nail on the head in how we feel about it all.

Thank you so much x

You are right, all my aunts bills were paid in cash at the post office. She refused to set up direct debits or standing orders.
The gardener and cleaner also only wanted cash. She really was a lovely lady who told amazing stories. We miss her a lot.

My DM was so upset when she passed, looking after my aunt gave her a great deal of joy. Then to be accused of neglect and theft really floored her.

This is pretty much the first accurate post on this thread about the test for defamation.

OP, the law is not the solution here as it is highly unlikely you would meet the test, evidencing the statement will be difficult when it comes to slander, a defamation claim is notoriously horrendously expensive to pursue and, since it is highly likely that your relatives would seek a defence that what they said is true, even if you ultimately proved it was false your mum would at a minimum have her reputation dragged through the wringer through a long court case and at worst open herself up to retaliatory court claims she was stealing from your aunt.

Whilst I appreciate your understandable desire to defend your mum, this is not one to pursue.

My mom was exactly the same as yours. Heart of gold, looked after an elderly aunt and uncle, looked after a very dear friend of hers too. They do it because it's the right thing to do.

It's hard to believe, to some people, that there is no ulterior motive. I often think of people who behave like your relatives have, it says a lot about THEIR motives/morals.

Family can be so disappointing. I'm sorry that you're going through this.