Child’s dad refusing to allow my holiday

[MaxandNutty]

My breast fed baby’s dad gets contact every Saturday. I work full time and am hoping to go on holiday (in uk) for one week and offered him contact on alternative days for him to choose and gave him one months notice. He refused. I can’t change the dates of the holiday booking and am taking my elderly gran who has dementia and can’t go if I don’t take her. I have been forced to lodge a court request and he has defended it saying he works full time and should not have to use his annual leave to spend time with his child. I am flabbergasted at his selfishness. Any ideas what the court might say? I’ve just taken two days unpaid leave as child was sick and couldn’t go to nursery. Dad does not help with nursery fees either even though he earns significantly more than me.

Well he's being a dick. So all you can do is go to court or adjust your holiday to be Sun to Fri. Sorry

Does he have pr? If he only has her a few hours make it am one week, pm the next and go in between , or as pp suggested Sunday - Friday. If he doesn’t have pr thenoffer him alternative contact time, go anyway and face potential consequences. It is unlikely he will bother to go back to court.

The holiday though is before the review so I have no choice but to lodge court request and he is defending it to say I can’t go away on a Saturday and should miss the first two days of my holiday - ie Friday and Saturday and his defence says “my client should not require to use his annual leave for contact as he needs this for his own holidays”. The child is too young to go on holiday with him. He’s 12 months and breast fed still and has not stayed overnight anywhere before.

Did you not speak up and say you also have a full time job? You also have other commitments?

She could go Saturday. He only has the child five hours.

Yes true, go after he returns the child.

I’d try and make sure that it’s only one Saturday she misses - so leave after the contact on the first Saturday.

Then completely stop talking about it, go on the holiday as planned. Text him on the morning of the day she will miss to say “Just reminding you that dd is unavailable today because she is on holiday.” and leave the ball in his court to choose alternative days if he wants them.

When you go back to court next time, ask for every other weekend (with him having more time) and a provision for Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc.

I would also, in all communication etc, be trying to make things from dd’s point of view. “It is good for Dd to be able to go on holiday so we need enough flexibility in the arrangements to allow for that” etc.

But follow up with an email to be clear that is what you have done.

The court in my area would almost definitely grant this. They focus on what’s in the best interest of the child and I’ve never known the court to decline a holiday with a parent as they always state it’s clearly in their best interest.

His contact is 12-5 Saturday so I’d miss two days as I’d arrive very late Saturday instead of before lunch Friday (I can’t access accommodation until 3 on Friday but would go up for lunch) - and I need to leave accommodation by 10am the following Friday so it really cuts the holiday short

Just go late on the Saturday and make the best of it. Annoying but that’s the deal. And remember that when, inevitably, he asks for a change in arrangements to suit his plans sometime.

You lose a day and a half. But think of this as a chess move. You are bing reasonable. He is being unreasonable and in being a dick it has disadvantaged your daughter. Like I said, email him to state you have altered the day you will leave to accommodate his refusal to compromise.

but going forward your solicitor needs to plan for the future, not just a baby.

General contact

• Gradual increase in contact as the child grows (e.g., moving from short visits to longer days and overnights at agreed developmental stages). You shouldn't lose all weekends forever.
• Clear statement that both parents must act in the child’s best interests and work together to accommodate reasonable requests.

Alternative weekends

• Contact on alternate weekends with provision to swap weekends if there’s a reasonable request from either parent, provided notice is given.
• Explicit clause that each parent will offer and accept reasonable alternative contact if the set day cannot be attended.

School holidays

• Equal division of school holidays once the child reaches school age (e.g., half of each holiday period). All holiday childcare should not be on you. And this then throws the solicitors argument that he shouldn't use annual leave to parent in the bin. Because it means you do and it wont be enough. He can pay for childcare just like you can.
• Agreement that dates should be confirmed in advance each year to allow for planning.

Family holidays

• Each parent allowed up to two weeks’ holiday per year with the child (can be taken in one block or two separate weeks). With a period of notice.
• Clause that neither parent may unreasonably withhold consent for the other’s holiday plans.
• Agreement that if the normal contact falls within the other parent’s holiday, it will be made up with an alternative day where possible.

Festivals and special days

• Alternating Christmas Day and Boxing Day each year, or splitting the day / days if practical.I lnow this causes a lot of drama. In my hiuse we celebrate christmas from christmas eve to the epiphany. Everyday is special so that one day becomes less of a drama.
• Alternating Easter, birthdays, and other relevant religious/cultural festivals.
• Mother’s Day and Father’s Day always spent with the respective parent.

Anti-abuse clauses

• Specific wording that both parents must promote a positive relationship with the other parent and not use contact to control or punish.
• Inclusion of a “dispute resolution” clause requiring written discussion before returning to court, unless urgent. Court will not be used as abuse.
• Clause allowing minor swaps or changes by agreement in writing (email), with the expectation that such agreement will not be unreasonably withheld.

There is a state in América that insists on 50/50. I read a great piece by a father who was failing at everything because he was given 50/50 and how his ex wife was flourishing, as her life got significantly easier. Your ex clearly doesn't actually want to be a parent, he wants to be fun uncle or loser dad, so increase his parenting time.

You can stay in the holiday area all day Friday.
Unfortunately you currently stuck with the order for saturdays so need to work with it.

But ask for an amendment for future and give the example where your holiday was interrupted

For now until order is changed book sat to sat next time and up to two hours away. Then you won't lose a night in accommodation.
As per above holidays will work both ways and child will be scheduled to have overnights and holidays with dad in future

Sadly, you should have factored this in when you went to court. I wouldn’t be even discussing it with him - after pick up on the Saturday, jump straight in the car and set off on your trip. You’ll only miss a day, not a big problem is it. Don’t give him the satisfaction of him saying no to you trying to persuade him to change his mind.

The thing about this kind of transgression is that there is almost no chance of any come back if you break a family court order in a minor or even reasonable fashion. He's a bully. Tell him that is what is happening and tell him you'll see him in court.

I wasn’t expecting him to be so unreasonable and want to exert such control over my life - naively clearly since he went to court (without warning me) even though we had already agreed and were enabling weekly contact. He said our “agreement” should be formal.

But thanks everyone for your input and comments / it is helpful

For the review could you discuss contact on both a Saturday and Sunday every other weekend moving to overnights when older.