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Original poster

Child custody

15 replies

RedPanda72910 · 10/01/2025 22:59

Hi, just after some advice, my ex and i broke up when i was about 6/7 months pregnant as he was controlling and i wasn't happy in the relationship. i've since had my son and he's 11 weeks old. we've been arguing over child arrangements.
he wants me to make the 45 min trip up to see our son when i don't have a drivers license and our son is formula fed. the agreement has always been for him to come here a few hours a week. he's extremely disrespectful towards me and verbally abusive and i've put my foot down and i've had enough
Am i in the wrong for not making the trip up to him even tho i have no way of getting there i suffer with anxiety so can't do public transport and it isn't ideal with a baby so young every time i put my sons needs first and don't have time available when he's free he threatens me with court.
what would the chance of him getting 50/50 custody or unsupervised visits be of a 11 week old? he's extremely rude to me all the time if he doesn't get his own way. he's contributed mext to nothing for our son and has always been very unreliable
He isn't on the birth certificate and the mental stress the threat of court is having on me is dangerous
i don't trust him to have visits unsupervised and he can't seem the conversate with me in a. respectful manner
Uk based
any advice is extremely helpful

OP posts:
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Original poster
RedPanda72910 · 14/01/2025 22:57

@sterli2323
im scared about losing my son even if it's for a bit. he's my world i suffer with ppd ppa and post partum ocd and he's the only thing keeping me here, i don't trust his dad one bit he doesn't know how to care for a child he's only 17 and im 18. he's never changed my sons nappy or been able to burp him by himself. i'm scared if he's given unsupervised contact the people he will take my son around and what they'll do. his friends drive recklessly and smoke. im petrified he won't bring him back one day and my son is so attached to me he cries if i leave him for an hour. my friends been through a similair thing and expressed all her worries and the father still got awarded with supervised contact as he was no risk of abuse towards the child or the mother. but there's more risks out there then physical harm. im losing sleep over this im not mentally well x

OP posts:
sterli2323 · 13/01/2025 16:47

RedPanda72910 · 11/01/2025 17:03

thank you , he's blocked on everything but unfortunately he is entitled to free legal aid as he earns under a certain amount this is impacting my mental health so much

Show quote history

Legal Aid is not determined by income - that stopped many years ago.
What is it you are frightened about by court - the process is very relaxed and child centred and takes all the control and threats away from him, he has to do as ordered by the court and not what he wants.
Stop offering solutions and tell him to find one that you are agreeable to, if he can't then let him make an application to court.

Mammyandcub · 11/01/2025 19:22

RedPanda72910 · 10/01/2025 22:59

Hi, just after some advice, my ex and i broke up when i was about 6/7 months pregnant as he was controlling and i wasn't happy in the relationship. i've since had my son and he's 11 weeks old. we've been arguing over child arrangements.
he wants me to make the 45 min trip up to see our son when i don't have a drivers license and our son is formula fed. the agreement has always been for him to come here a few hours a week. he's extremely disrespectful towards me and verbally abusive and i've put my foot down and i've had enough
Am i in the wrong for not making the trip up to him even tho i have no way of getting there i suffer with anxiety so can't do public transport and it isn't ideal with a baby so young every time i put my sons needs first and don't have time available when he's free he threatens me with court.
what would the chance of him getting 50/50 custody or unsupervised visits be of a 11 week old? he's extremely rude to me all the time if he doesn't get his own way. he's contributed mext to nothing for our son and has always been very unreliable
He isn't on the birth certificate and the mental stress the threat of court is having on me is dangerous
i don't trust him to have visits unsupervised and he can't seem the conversate with me in a. respectful manner
Uk based
any advice is extremely helpful

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - I had (and still have at 2.5 years old) the threat of court hanging over me constantly by my daughters dad (and this is despite me giving him every other weekend which is what he wanted) and it’s horribly stressful isn’t it. Good job he isn’t on the BC - glad your trusted your gut and didn’t put him on. I think you’ve been more than reasonable with current contact - your ex sounds abusive and controlling, totally lacking empathy for you by threatening court at only 11 weeks postpartum - again just want to send love and it’s so awful for people to be like this to you when you should simply be enjoying your baby at this time. Best wishes and hope he gets what’s coming to him and you get to live in peace. X

Original poster
RedPanda72910 · 11/01/2025 19:15

devastatedagain · 11/01/2025 17:08

OP, do you think he means it, or do you think he's just saying that to get you to do what he asks?

im a bit mixed. i reckon he's saying it to get what he wants but another part of me thinks he means it so he still has some sort of control over me or my son, definitely not doing it for the benefit of him bonding with his son that's for sure. i can't stand to be in the same room as him or look at him

OP posts:
devastatedagain · 11/01/2025 17:08

OP, do you think he means it, or do you think he's just saying that to get you to do what he asks?

Original poster
RedPanda72910 · 11/01/2025 17:03

titsmcghee43 · 11/01/2025 00:29

What are you getting from him other than stress and abuse? No support, no financial assistance, just demands.

Tell him you're done with his abuse and won't be communicating further. If he wants access, go through a solicitor. This will be a lengthy and expensive process if he isn't on the birth certificate.

Then block him and enjoy your baby.

thank you , he's blocked on everything but unfortunately he is entitled to free legal aid as he earns under a certain amount this is impacting my mental health so much

OP posts:
MotherJessAndKittens · 11/01/2025 00:30

Contact Woman's Aid and they will talk you through your rights and help with a solicitor - you may be entitled to a family solicitor free. Keep all his messages/texts - photo shoot them. If they agree offer supervised contact with your Mum or a trusted relative for an hour once or twice. If he doesn't turn up or is late without letting anyone know note it in a diary, note everything in a diary. If he is late note this, if he is late after contact time has ended without letting anyone know note this and get your Mum to leave the contact place and not hang around. Good that he is not on the birth certificate. It is a stressful journey this but there are people who will help.

titsmcghee43 · 11/01/2025 00:29

What are you getting from him other than stress and abuse? No support, no financial assistance, just demands.

Tell him you're done with his abuse and won't be communicating further. If he wants access, go through a solicitor. This will be a lengthy and expensive process if he isn't on the birth certificate.

Then block him and enjoy your baby.

Calochortus · 11/01/2025 00:18

RedPanda72910 · 11/01/2025 00:10

Yes i've tried to facilitate this with my mum but it's not good enough for him. he changed his mind and as soon as he doesn't get his own way he jumps to the threat of court, he's using my child to control and scare me into doing what he wants when he wants

Show quote history

Tell him to take you to court and prove he’s the father, he’s using this as a threat. Do not jump to this man and his demands, he’s feeding off controlling you. Take the power back @RedPanda72910. Block him on every platform and if he contacts you or your family ignore him.

Tinselinthewhoopsiebasket · 11/01/2025 00:12

He needs to pay for dna tests via court
. He isn't even legally the df.... Let him crack on.

Original poster
RedPanda72910 · 11/01/2025 00:11

Bannedontherun · 10/01/2025 23:21

It is unreasonable for him to expect you to take the child to him.

offer an arrangement of contact in the amount of time he wants, if reasonable, but let him know it is up to him how he does that, logistics are something he needs to sort out.

make sure you keep records of his texts and any communications.

i've offered a contact centre even tho this isn't in the best interests of an 11 week old and he said no. he wants his way or no way unfortunately im so scared to loose my baby for even a short amount of time. he's using him as a weapon of control

OP posts:
Original poster
RedPanda72910 · 11/01/2025 00:10

Titasaducksarse · 10/01/2025 23:20

No court would find, at 11 weeks of age that it would be OK for you to have to make that journey.
You've offered a solution of him to see child at yours....as he's rude to you could a relative facilitate this for you in your home so you don't have to see him?
He doesn't even have PR.

Let him make the Court application. I can't imagine he will even bother.

Yes i've tried to facilitate this with my mum but it's not good enough for him. he changed his mind and as soon as he doesn't get his own way he jumps to the threat of court, he's using my child to control and scare me into doing what he wants when he wants

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 10/01/2025 23:23

I'd block him on everything - abusive cunt.

Bannedontherun · 10/01/2025 23:21

It is unreasonable for him to expect you to take the child to him.

offer an arrangement of contact in the amount of time he wants, if reasonable, but let him know it is up to him how he does that, logistics are something he needs to sort out.

make sure you keep records of his texts and any communications.

Titasaducksarse · 10/01/2025 23:20

No court would find, at 11 weeks of age that it would be OK for you to have to make that journey.
You've offered a solution of him to see child at yours....as he's rude to you could a relative facilitate this for you in your home so you don't have to see him?
He doesn't even have PR.

Let him make the Court application. I can't imagine he will even bother.