Child Abuse and Legal Fees

[ContactNightmare]

Previously posted about my difficulties with my ex husband pursuing contact claim for our DD13 who disclosed abuse and is now recovering from CPTSD. He ie still pursuing contact. She has been suicidal at the prospect and I am fighting for her not to know of it all. He seems determined to destroy any piece of mind she has. Police won’t pursue, she is too ill, social services say no contact but she is old enough to say no.

The issue is my legal bills which are starting to mount up. I can’t manage this alone, and need expert advice.

I have a lot of equity in my house and could secure a further loan to meet some of these costs. But I am wary of a protracted fight against him. Has anyone borrowed like this to meet fees, and are banks/building societies sympathetic. I have a good salary of 80k but I don’t want things to get out of control. Not eligible for legal aid obviously

Any guidance appreciated. I know you don’t generally get these cost back but she and I need to survive this.

Your poor daughter! It's beyond awful.
However, she is now getting help & that's a positive step to managing all this.
You have so much support for your position of wanting no contact.
It's hard not to be worn down by the utter relentlessness of an abusive parent who tries every tactic to get contact restarted.
The courts are increasingly aware of this rabid approach.
It really is just a lot of noise though.
Keep posting OP - so many women have been though this £ there is so much support on here

What disturbs me so much is that given what she has told me, his motives are absolutely chilling.

I receive correspondence from his family regularly and his partner which are all suggesting he’s really very nice! I find it frightening. And these are well educated “reasonable people”.

Thank you all.

A lot of the time the requests from courts just get shoved to the bottom of the pile because noone wants to deal with it. I doubt they just won't hand over the information, it'll be just on someone's desk. If they "won't hand it over" they'll have to write to the court citing their reasons. But I highly doubt they won't, they aren't allowed to take sides I don't think.

https://transparencyproject.org.uk/allegations-of-alienating-behaviour-important-new-guidance-published/

An allegation of parental alienation is for the vast part a tactic deployed by unfit abusive parents who are seeking to deflect from the reasons their child(ren) don’t want a bar of them.
this is an interesting and concise summary of the guidance recently issued

hope your daughter is soon free of this as are you.

I wanted to update my thread. I have had a Guardian appointed but unusually it is a man. He seems to be an experienced social worker but I am worried that DD will clam up and not be able to speak. She has specifically requested female psychologists and social workers and this was respected.

What should I do? It's not actually to do with this man, but the fact of her abuse. It seems inappropriate

I don’t know the legal position but I would contact the Guardians’ Office and say she wants a woman due to the history. I would argue it is a reasonable adjust under the Equality Act. See what they say?

Thanks. I am so worried for her. She is at the start of being treated for PTSD and is barely up to knowing what is happening never mind talking to a man she doesn't know about what has happened.

Different circumstances but my DD was appointed a male psychiatrist after a SA. I objected and we were appointed a lady. No big issue.
FWIW I think the advice you've had is excellent.
Your DD can not be forced to see her father after the age of 10, 13 is considered to have capacity. He sounds a total bully and this will be a game for him.
It's rare that a judge cannot see through people like this. I wouldn't lawyer up, I'd self represent. He will then look over the top, high court indeed.
I'm assuming he is wealthy and thinks he can do what he likes?
If he looses he'll probably stalk you so ask for a non molestation order at the time of judgement. Just another bastard.
Good luck.

Thank you that is reassuring. I will ask for the change.

He is a bully. Not wealthy but his girlfriend is. She makes him look reasonable and provides him with the money to take me to court. She's witnessed him being abusive but makes excuses and lies for him.

I would love a non mol. I want to leave the UK and start a new life because both of them have made our lives hell.

Well it sounds like the gf is manipulative and that can be because she wants to play 'mummy'. She wouldn't if your poor daughter was a typical teen (nightmare at 13). As she is traumatised that behaviour isnt popping up. She's thinking girly trips and being a bestie. Who knows?
I would tell your daughter your exh wants to see her but you know she doesn't want to see him. She needs to be firm on this with all outside agencies. As she is not a toddler a judge would listen to her. She can talk behind a screen or through a witness statement.
Would your ex marry this women and have other children? Because very few fathers include their first families on a regular basis.

She is too old for kids herself. She is very manipulative, and not that kind to DD. She has done a great job of minimising his conduct or otherwise normalising it. Social services said she was not a safe person to be around. Her motivations are quite scary.

Just adding to my thread, looking for support.

I am not much further along. I managed to speak to the Guardian very briefly but he didn't seem to understand the complexity, I had to show him the order. I directed him to CAMHS. He's supposed to speak to me before the hearing but I haven't heard from him.

Due in court at the end of the month.

I've not been able to get a statement why my daughter has cPTSD though it's related to abuse and neglect by DD's father. I have a letter from CAMHS but it's a bit brief.

I really don't know whether to share this with the court and the other sides solicitors. I guess they will just pick at it and say this is my fault! I don't want this but don't want to spend £££££ on lawyers to defend me.

It just seems this is all on me. Can I expect the Guardian to pick this stuff up?

Have a look at Dr Charlotte Proudman. There are changes to guidance in court. She works a lot with DV cases but some of the arguments stand. Massive hugs and hope someone can help

I wanted to update this thread because there may be women out there with similar challenges of a very manipulative ex and domestic abuse. I want to give some hope.

After a long investigation, the Guardian recommended no contact of any kind. A section 91 order was also his recommendation based on my ex’s conduct and the trauma my DD has experienced.

Section 91 will stop any more contact applications by my abusive ex and help my DD to heal. I go to court in a few weeks to conclude this nightmare situation for good, I hope.