Can she move to her home country without him?

[FootballGrump]

My lovely friend from an EU country has just had a baby with a man in England.

It turns out he is a bit of a shit:

• kept threatening to leave her during the pregnancy
• gave her a hard time after the birth for taking the baby to her home country while her parent was dying of cancer
• She is struggling to process her parent’s death while being the main care giver to her baby and maintaining a tidy house. She wants to pay for help from her own savings but he calls her spoiled and does everything he can to sabotage her efforts to find a cleaner or a babysitter
• When she does get help he is livid and storms out of the house then eventually argues with her about it claiming these are unnecessary expenses
• He recently got angry with her for not being willing to leave her breastfed baby with his parents overnight so he could take her on an overnight trip. He accused her of lying to him before getting together and pretending she’d be way more relaxed as a mum.This is just one example of how stubborn and inflexible he can be with his demands

For context, she is a hard working career woman with a job that pays as well as his, and is currently on maternity leave and using her savings to cover expenses.

His stinginess and anger are making her very sad, he shows little empathy for the losses she has experienced, and she now considers leaving him.
Because she has no support network in the UK the only way she can do this is by going back to her home town.

The question is: can she legally leave the UK with her baby and move home, given that the father is based here and is on the child’s birth certificate?
the couple live together but are not married.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

Yep, women need to be far more educated about the implications of having children and be more discerning about who they have them with. It can be a life sentence to have one with the wrong man or in the wrong place.

Unfortunately the time to go home was before she gave birth 😕 now all she can do is figure out how to build a life after she separates from him

So, we have established that my friend cannot leave the UK in the short to mid term. Because of all the reasons mentioned on this thread but also because for now, she has no job lined up back home and will need to go back to work here.

As a result, she now needs practical advice on how to proceed to separate from this man.
They are not married, but share a baby and share a house.
We don’t know any family lawyers and I was wondering if there are any charities that could be a first port of call to introduce her to the right type of lawyer etc?
Or perhaps someone on mumsnet has recommendations for a reputable family lawyer to get advice from?

feel free to message privately if “advertising” on a thread breaks the mumsnet rules.

Btw I looked at Women’s Aid but it seems that’s for real cases of domestic violence, and although his behaviour is extremely unpleasant I’m not sure you could call this coercion or domestic violence.
it’s more an immature angry kind of guy.

Do they have a joint mortgage or is it rented?

Your friend should look into a Child Arrangement Order so that she can take baby home for trips up to 28 days without dad’s permission. It’s very common for abusive people to use foreign travel as a tool to abuse their ex and child. It requires mediation first. If she requests shuttle mediation then she can be in a different room to ex and the mediator would travel between rooms.

She get child maintenance and benefits.

@TheSilkWorm they have a joint mortgage

@Snorlaxo he is not her ex yet. She is trying to figure out next steps

@Unexpectedlysinglemum isn’t the child maintenance only applicable if one parent is taking on more of the parenting burden? What if father insists on having the child 50%?

isn’t the child maintenance only applicable if one parent is taking on more of the parenting burden? What if father insists on having the child 50%

You say she is on mat leave indicating baby is very young. So, no he would likely not be granted 50% given the age of the baby as it would likely be determined not to be in best interest. I believe that 50% is more likely once they get to 2/3yo but other posters may have more experience/knowledge in this regard.

Loads of information about what happens when you separate on the Citizens Advice website. Assuming she has settled status she should do a benefits check based on her sole income and the average rent for a one bed flat in her area on the Turn2Us website.

@HoppingPavlova i hope you are right about this. My friend would probably only leave her partner if she knew she could have full custody of the baby at this stage. No way she’s leaving the baby alone with the father for long stretches!

@VanCleefArpels thanks for the practical suggestions. Nice to see how much help is available once you start looking! This country really tries to take care of children & families!

MumChp · 08/11/2024 23:17

Against the father's wish? No. She can't relocate the child to another country.

Even if they’re not married?

No, because its about the childs relationship with the father, not the parnest relationship with eachother

Family law information | Rights of Women

Rights of Women have useful legal guides and also run advice lines. Their guides on family law, finances and custody in divorce are clear and easy to read.

I am not a parent but when thinking it with my ex, as a UK citizen who lives abroad, nationality and "home country" were things that I also had to consider. Honestly, it put a dampener on the idea because I knew that I was far more adventurous than he was in terms of living/working elsewhere.

I think that you should also not discount the suggestions to speak to Women's Aid, just because he seems unpleasant rather than "properly abusive". Pregnancy is often when women become more vulnerable, and abusers ramp up their behaviour. Your friend is a new parent in a foreign country, and many abusers will hold someone's status over their victim, however irrational that seems to you.

However long she's been in the UK or however well she speaks English, as an ex-pat I can tell you that in this tumultuous situation, she is feeling even more isolated from friends, family, and familiar structure and systems. She is currently even isolated from colleagues, a regular routine, and her job, which could give her perspective and independence. She also might not be telling you everything that happens behind closed doors. Give her the Women's Aid information and let her decide if she wants/needs to contact them.