Can my step children stay with me when their dad is working abroad

[Plantlife101]

My partner has a child contact order in place that clearly states when he has time with his children. He is a serviceman and is about to be deployed abroad for a month. 3 of the 5 weekends he is away are on his court ordered time. We live together and have a wonderful and settled blended family, I have been in his children's lives for 3 years and they are 10 and 5. I do not pretend to be their mother but I do have a very loving relationship with them and do everything for them that I do for my own. We respectfully gave their mother notice that my partner was being deployed for a short time and on his weekends they would be looked after by myself. She has said it is not up for discussion and no one but her will look after the children whilst he is away. I had planned to take them to see their grandparents so contact with their wider family would be maintained, they have clubs and activities that they were meant to be attending that we pay for and most importantly I was going to be faciliting daily video calls to their father so they could maintain contact with him. The court order is written in such a way that we are unsure of our rights in this situation:

The mother must make sure that the children spend time with their father as follows :

Then it outlines the every other weekend arrangement. Many years ago when I sought legal advice over my own children, my solicitor informed me that when the children were residing with their father I had no input or control over who looked after them. The way the court order is written makes it sound like no one but the father can have care of the children but surely that is not correct as how would anyone hold down a job when you need your families support sometimes to cover childcare, is his ex-wife just taking the wording literally, surely it is not meant literally.

If it is the case that only he can care for the children on his court ordered time then we would not contest the issue but return to court to have the court order better worded, but this not an expense we can really afford, therefore if anyone can give me some feedback on this it is much appreciated. He is leaving tomorrow and I am due to pick the children up from school on Friday!

You are completely missing the point. The court order is for the children to access their father. If he isn't there and the mother is available then there is no question that it's in their best interests to be in their own home with their own mother, especially as they are both young children. I'm astounded that as a mother you cannot understand that. And also, I don't buy the my husband is a great dad / the ex is bitter/crazy/manipulative etc etc bullshit. I hear it far too often on here and it is far too convenient. If your husband is such a great dad why isn't he doing 50 / 50? If he was such a gentleman who cares about his kids he wouldn't be jumping in to another relationship when his youngest was still in nappies.

Our decision for the children to be in their home with me and their step siblings
But your home is not their home. However much you care for your step children, their “home” is where their mother lives as she is the primary paren and provider of care.
Your home is somewhere they come to spend time with their father.

50/50 is still rare especially when the other party has a job like a serviceman.

Here's a question, what do your step children actually want?

OP are you:

• married or in a civil partnership with their dad?
• have a biological or adopted child with their dad?

If "no" to both of these then you don't have an argument for the children to stay with you when their father is out of the country considering their ages.

Also if your partner made provision so that the paternal grandparents, a paternal aunt, etc who they saw regularly looked after them the weekends he was abroad that would be a different argument as well.

You sound like a nice person but I fear you're not seeing the big picture here.

No court is going to order that you should be able to continue access whilst the father is away. You do not have parental responsibility for the children and are not legally entitled to have access to them. The ex can probably argue very effectively against that request just by demonstrating the legal position.

Any access by the grandparents can be facilitated through the ex or the father on his return. This isn't something the court would view as your role or responsibility.

Let's hypothetically reverse the roles and you were the step dad. No court would force children to be handed over to a man who was not related to the children in the absence of the mother.

You can take it to court but you may find yourself worse off, financially and through the revised wording of the order. It may not go the way you hope.

Honestly I think you are overstepping here and could make the situation worse.

Leave it to the parents to do the parenting.

You can't ask a 5 year old that question.

And depending on the maturity of the 10 year old you may be unable to ask the kid that question as well.

Edited to add: If one or both the kids were in secondary school then the situation would be different as they would be able to say what they wanted and in some cases just action it themselves regardless of the OP's relationship situation with their dad.

I think that legally, you having contact instead of dad is no different to him picking the kids up then leaving them with you for the weekend.

Morally I think that mum should have contact since she’s willing and that seeing grandparents can wait until dad gets back.

I agree with you that the CAO needs to clarify things as this is unlikely to be the last time that this happens.

The court order is for the children to access their father. If he isn't there and the mother is available then there is no question that it's in their best interests to be in their own home with their own mother, especially as they are both young children.

This

If your husband is such a great dad why isn't he doing 50 / 50?

50/50 doesn't work for all families, and when Dad's in the forces, i can't imagine it would work at all

But the scenario in the post is unusual (in a nice way), its usually that Dad is away but Mum insists the step-mum has the children in his absence, to ensure the visiting rota continues are normal.

Sorry but you are wrong.

The OP does not have parental responsibility for the children and therefore has no legal link to those children. The mother is entitled to express concern about handing over children in these circumstances in the absence of the father and the court would take her view into consideration. She is in no way preventing access with the father but is refusing access to someone with no legal right to the children.

The OP hasn't said that she either/and:

• is married or in a civil partnership with the children's father
• has a shared child, so the children's half-sibling, with the father

Therefore they aren't legally part of her family or her child(ren)'s family, so there is no legal reason for them to see the OP or have contact with her.

The OP could leave their father tomorrow and that be it.

Edited to say: I know step-parents whose step-child live/lived with them over their mother or father, and also met those who have contact arrangements for their step-child. However the step-parent was married to the parent and also is the parent of their half-sibling(s).

Surely this issue should have been discussed when you were in court previously?
While it is kind of you to offer to have the children and be available if the mum needed to work for example I don't think you have any right to take them for the weekend and I wouldn't feel comfortable what if one of them became unwell or needed hospital treatment etc in your care?

How long has dad been in the military? I think you might be better off formulating a longer term plan for what he'll do when his 3 years comes to an end. Is it the case that in 3 years he's definitely done it does he still have to give notice prior?
At the moment I don't see you have a leg to stand on because as said, contact is for the children to see their dad and in his absence they remain with their other parent, but in your shoes I'd work on the future arrangements so that in 3 years dad is properly able to see his kids when he's supposed to. As things stand I don't even think mum will give up any of 'her' weekends when dad comes home and I don't think a court would compel her because she has a right to organise her own life without having to alter it around her ex husbands choice of career. I'm guessing that might be ind if the things you are looking to tweak with the order?

The children presumably have two legal guardians - their mother and their father. Therefore, if their father is out of the country (or indisposed in any other way) they should stay with their mother. If there was a medical emergency or similar, you would not be in a position to consent to medical treatment etc. I know that’s unlikely but it happens. Tbh, even if their mother was insisting on them adhering to their normal contact weekends, I’d feel slightly uncomfortable in your position if their father was away and not contactable.

Presumably your partner will increase his child maintenance payments temporarily since he can't look after his children during his agreed contact.

Most court orders are written that on the father/ mothers time, if they are unable to care for the children, the other parent has first refusal, and then other care can be sought. They aren't with their dad if he's deployed, and if mum wanted them home instead of with their step parent, sorry, but I think they should be at home with her, same as I'd say the same if it was the other way.

As much as I agree that it is in the best interests of the children to stay with their DM in this scenario, it is also in the children’s best interest to maintain a relationship with their step siblings and paternal grandparents while their father is away.

Although grandparents, step siblings/parents don’t have legal rights to contact with the children, the children do have a legal right to contact with their grandparents, step family against their parents’ wishes if it is in their best interest. A grandparent, step parent/sibling, anyone the child has lived with as a “child of the family” for 3 years can ask the court for permission to apply for a child arrangements order for contact. Realistically, it would likely only be a few hours every month.

Given OP’s DH’s job, it seems likely that this may be a regular occurrence and possibly for a much longer period. If they cannot agree things amicably with the DM, it probably is worth going to mediation/court to specify contact with the DGP’s and step family when the DF is deployed and the DC are not staying with him EOW. A one off 6 weeks is not so bad but no contact with their paternal family and step family for 6 months or regular 6 week intervals of no contact would not be in their best interest.

If he was really ill , say flu and bedridden with it sleeping all the time , would they still come to the house ? I know you will probably say no due to the illness etc , but it is almost the same.
Contact is because he has the right to have a relationship with his children and visa versa.
Yes you will miss them but could you phone , or even possibly visit or perhaps take them out ( mother would obviously have to be on board with it ? )

You are looking at this from the wrong angle.

The OP is not the gatekeeper of access to the child's grandparents. If the grandparents wish to exercise a legal claim to access to their grandchild, they would need to pursue that through mediation with the mother if the father cannot enable it to happen consistently.

The step parent and step children have no legal standing in any of this. The court is not interested in the step siblings' relationship. The couple in question are not married and there are not joint children/half siblings to consider. This relationship could break down and the father could be start a new relationship with a new set of step siblings.

Agree with other posters- appreciate that she has been difficult, but your best bet may be to offer to take them one of the 3 weekends specifically for a grandparent visit - but in the understanding that she can say no.

As nice as it is that you're close to them, mum doesn't have to make the children available for you. As dad is out of the country mum can keep them.

Of course the children should be with their mum and not some unrelated person.
Would your partner be happy with his children staying with an unrelated man instead of him?
The children can see their grandparents when their father is home to take them.