NRP doesn't agree with primary school offer and has made own application

[Dollenganger333]

My ex lives 30 minutes away from me and has our daughter for one night a week. When we applied for schools, he was adamant that he wanted dd to go to a village school. But I don't live in a village!

I applied for the 'good' school which is a 5-10 minute walk for us. I would not have to drive. Ex didn't have a problem at the time. But now that she's been offered a place at this school, he's saying he doesn't want her to go there and will oppose it.

My daughter is likely to be on the spectrum (has no learning difficulties) but nursery has said that they think she'll cope in mainstream. The nursery manager and her key worker both feel that the school offered is ideal for dd and they have been to meetings there about other children who need planning for SEN. The Ofsted mentions bespoke provision for SEN.

Today, ex has informed me that he has made a late application for dd to go to the village school right near his house. This school is oversubscribed and would mean a 30 minute drive every day for me to take her there.

I am not sure if he has lied and said that dd lives with him. He has spent the last year brow beating me to move to this village so that she could go to this school. I can't afford to live there - it's about £500 more a month in rent for the average house.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm assuming he'd need to go to court about this which is stress I don't need.

People on the spectrum aren't necessarily unreasonable and illogical. I'm autistic myself. However, our dd (imo) has PDA. I think it's possible that he may also have PDA. It's where the person perceives loss of autonomy as a threat to survival.

@Dollenganger333 Ex-husband and I shared (court enforced) 50/50 care and disagreed about schools. I had chosen a good school near to the village we live in, ex has chosen one rated as outstanding. The issue I had with the outstanding one is that as a teacher working ft my August-born Y7 would have to get four buses a day to get there. My ex didn't have such issues as he works for himself and has an unemployed wife (although she refuses to take the children anywhere in her car) so either school would have worked for him.
Guess which school the judge ruled on?

Going by the family court judges I came across - the husband's outstanding one, because inconvenience to the child (and mum) is less important than the man's choice. Did they lie about the involvement of the step-parent?

@socialdilemmawhattodo Well in court the judge said my son (11 yo) could get the four buses in when he was with me so "problem solved". Ex-husband agreed.
Straight after court he messaged me to say it would be unreasonable (and tantamount to child cruelty) to expect a child who didn't want to do this to do this and that the expectation was I would get him in and collect him every day.
I couldn't do the school runs as a teacher as my hours were (very min) 8 am - 5 pm so as a single mum I had to give up my career and become a HLTA in order to facilitate this. The drop in pay was of course huge - less than min wage equivalent - but I had no choice.
Did the Judge act in the best interests of family as a whole? Absolutely not.

@Another2Cats these points will enforce the Op's argument that she is primary carer, in case her Ex fabricates how much he sees the child. In 50/50 cases Judges can make strange decisions.

If it goes to court then Cafcass are likely to be involved and the child's pov may count however a father friendly Cafcass and judge often go overboard to show "equality" to the father because they are a pressure group. Teresa May (no children herself) made fathers "equality" a focus, frequently at the cost to the children. Judges have had to make awards that favoured fathers, especially if new in their career. They can't risk damaging their careers going against the best interests of a child. IME They won't risk an appeal from an often aggressive and well funded father.

In my case my DC were adamant they didn't want to live with their father full-time. One child, over 11, said they would simply come home to me (aka run away) if it was enforced however they were also smart enough to know that could trigger Cafcass saying I was the cause of alienation.

Thankfully the children's case was very strong so a judge awarded residence to me. Ex, as I predicted saw the DC when it suits him...weeks go by if he decides his life is too busy. I suspect his fight in court was for reduced maintenance. I can't get proper CMS because the order over rules reality of visits.

I hope some of these children affected by courts get to tell their story in adulthood.

@Livinghappy How wonderful and incredibly refreshing to hear from someone who understands the "Father bias" in our court system.
I won't go into detail but this bias for the reasons you mentioned (held mostly by our incredibly poor Cafcass Officer) meant that 50/50 was ruled and I was expected to coparent with a man that had coercively controlled me for many, many years. This was facilitated further by the 50/50.
I would like to say that the situation improved over time but in fact it got worse.
It came close to my sons losing me but luckily I met a man who became my rock, got me through the dark times, and is now my husband (despite saying never again to marriage!)
My greatest wish in life is that when my boys are adults they see the truth. I never want them to understand exactly what I went through, but I hope they will know that my love for them never wavered.

This is terrible. So sorry this happened to you. I know about the father bias in court as I have heard about other people's experiences. I remember hearing about a woman whose ex was stalking her and was sitting outside her house in his car all day, sometimes. The judge said that he was just concerned about his child(!)

The problem is that a lot of people think that once children reach secondary school age, they can get to school by themselves. I think 11 is still quite little. I am thinking that no judge would expect my 4 year old to get a bus to school though?!

I received a message from him to say that he doesn't want to fall out because of this, he just feels upset because he had his heart set on this other school. I asked his mum to speak to him. She likes me and I think she sees why my pov is sensible.

The nursery teachers all said that they think the school will be great for dd and that they set up small group interventions really quickly for children who have SEN. There are also children from her current nursery who will be going to this school. I think it's a no-brainer.

Don’t take his word for this change of heart.

Put it in writing to both schools and the LA that your daughter lives 6/7 nights with you at primary address X, that you have applied from the primary address, have parental responsibility and want the offer at school Y to stand.

I emailed the school that he has applied to and explained the situation. Including where she lives and the fact that he has a job which takes him 3 hours away most weeks. They sent a reply saying thank you for this information.

Update;

I am pretty sure that dd has not been offered a place at the school near ex. Am I to assume that the LA will now press ahead with her admission to the school I want her to go to?

I have not heard from a solicitor or anything. My ex doesn't like to be told what to do by anyone, including solicitors and certainly not cafcass people knocking on the door with their 'fact finding'. Whether they take his side or not...

Anyone know what I should do now? The reason I think she has not been offered a place at his preferred school is that he has now started pressing for me to agree for her to go to a private school instead. Reading between the lines.

As I've said before, she has been at a nursery in a prep school for 2 years and they think the school she's been offered is ideal for her. They have children go there to this school every year, so they know the staff.

You have been offered a place and have accepted it. That offer therefore stands. You don't need to do anything. If you are concerned, you should consider getting a prohibited steps order to stop him doing anything to change the situation. He may not like being told what to do, but he will have to comply if you have a court order.

Get a letter from the nursery agreeing that your choice of school will meet your child's needs.