To whom should maintenance be paid?

[mejustmenothingtobe]

ExH has just informed me that from this month he will pay child maintenance to my soon to be 18 DS rather than me and I will have to 'negotiate' what proportion of the maintenance I can get from him directly. After I had picked myself up off the floor I was told that 'everybody' does this. This is absolute bollocks, no?

He should pay you maintenance until 31st August as ds is in education.

My sons father did this for the last year he paid CM. My son then paid for his travel, phone, clothes etc out of this.

I don't think 'hounding' is in point so I'll move onto the second part of your answer if I may.
The maintenance contributes towards the living costs of my DS ie bills, food, clothes etc. I do not have a job because I have a long term degenerative illness that prevents me. I can't pretend that the drop in income when DS goes off to uni will not be noticed (I still have to pay the bills) but that's not the point. I expect ExH to contribute the right amount in the right way. There's no reason I should be bullied unnecessarily like this surely?

I expect ExH to contribute the right amount in the right way. There's no reason I should be bullied unnecessarily like this surely?

Then go via CMS.

I mean, it's not unusual - we switched the CM to go directly to our son when he was 15/16. It's not a bad idea.

If he moved in with his dad his dad wouldn’t be paying maintenance? You would. Maybe I’m confused by your point.

Perhaps he can give the % of maintenence that is set aside for recreation, clothes etc to your son. Is your ex then expecting your 18 year old to sit down and negotiate his payment to you re utilities, mortgage/rent. Will he do his own food shop, wash, cook. Sounds like your ex is a contemptible tosser who is hell bent on using his child as a weapon without considering the upset, stress and damage it would cause. My advice having had similar is keep your dc very close and have supportive and frank discussion around how you can support him manage his finances. It will probably result in your dc demanding an increase when they realise how much living actually costs. His father may have spun the story making it sound great but he'll soon realise and probably will want you to admin it for him once costs become clear.

Again, thanks everyone...So so far I can see...

DS being given maintenance directly by his dad isn't complete bollocks although the way ExH is choosing to 'suggest' it is

ExH is a nob

My concerns about all this damaging DS in some way are probably unfounded and perhaps I could use this as a way of giving him some soon to be needed in any case financial independence

ExH is still a nob

The stress of CMS involvement will probably outweigh the benefit of having them shouting my corner

Mumsnet is the best. Really.

"Sounds like your ex is a contemptible tosser who is hell bent on using his child as a weapon without considering the upset, stress and damage it would cause. My advice having had similar is keep your dc very close and have supportive and frank discussion around how you can support him manage his finances. It will probably result in your dc demanding an increase when they realise how much living actually costs. "

Yes, frankly he is. Agreed re discussing with DS. I have the numbers to show him the reality of the situation and think it will be a life lesson, definitely. Thanks.

Could you simply discuss it with your son. What you feel would be a good split. If he agrees with you then the whole issue disappears. So I would find out if I actually have an issue first.

Parental income is something that children are usually not fully aware of but uni and maintenance loans shine a light on it. If you earn under around £62k ish as a household and wish for your child to get a higher maintenance loan than the minimum loan you have to declare your income to student finance and so it becomes known to your child what your household income is based on what maintenance loan they receive.

Where I am going with this is that maybe now is the time to have an honest discussion with your Ds about how much it truly costs to run your household, including things like council tax. If you are a lone parent your Ds raises you to a 2 adult household but as a student he is exempt so you will still receive the 25% discount. When he starts uni he should be issued with a student exemption certificate, get a copy sent to your council tax department to keep your discount.

Sit down and show him all the outgoings, some he will be aware of but maybe not exact figures and some things they don't think about like buildings and contents insurance. That way when his Dad tells him all the money is now his he can see that you will probably need to ask him for some of that to support him whilst living with you because he costs you money. It is a shit thing for his Dad to do but clearly a power move.

When is DS 18? You've said about payment stopping when he goes to university but would it not be after his A Level exams? May, June depending on his subjects.

I know it's only a couple of months until university starts after that but maybe worth bearing in mind.

I would just state fact:
Child maintenance is payable to the resident parent until the August after the child leaves full time education. According to the law your last payment to myself will be August 2024 and after that any payments are are a private matter between yourself and DS.
My ExH tried this on and then took a sabbatical because he was tired from the May to the September of her Year 13.

Agree with Lonecatwithkitten ( have a very similar situation and similar-sounding ex).

keep it to the facts. Send Lonecats para.

other solutions are fine if ex is reasonable, but yours is not. So sticking to the letter of the law works best.

if he kicks off, report it to CMS as a missed payment and let them deal with it.

yes, exh is a nob.

Thanks again. I’ve had my discussion and although he’s disputing July and August he’s agreed to keep everything as is until and including June. I will quote the legislation to him in the
meantime And see if I can stop him being even more
of a
nob. He still has
to pay for my younger son so although I can and will CMS him if he doesn’t pay this will mean he’ll stop any payments at all (based on previous skirmishes) but it’s worth it to make the position clear going forward.