Changing child’s name after separation (father not agreeing)

[Missylow]

Hello, I am looking for some advice, and potentially experience on the following.

My ex and I separated 18 months ago, and my children have their father’s surname. We were never married and I have my own name. I would really like my children to also have my name (e.g. first name Dadname Mumname). I don’t want to remove his name, I just want the children to also have familial name connection to me, as their mother. In addition, on a practical matter, I’ve been stopped at border control before and have had to prove our relationship by bringing their birth certificates. Obviously that isn’t a fun situation.

Their dad has parental responsibility, and he refuses to agree to this.

Has anyone had a similar situation? I am considering a court order to apply for a name change, but I don’t know if there is any chance this will be accepted.

@SwordToFlamethrower i just want to add my name to the end of their name (so dads surname, then mine ☺️) but I do have married friends who didn’t like either of their surnames, so went back in their family history (female side) and chose one from there! Different, but still connected and meaningful!

Thanks @Floopani 💕 I genuinely don’t know what must have gone on in someone’s life to make them want to be so mean to others! Luckily everyone else has been rationale and lovely, with great advice! They are 8 and 6, so a way off 16 unfortunately - I’d really like them to grow up with my name as theirs too (if I can get that to happen!)

@MrsTerryPratchett I really, really regret not pushing my name at the time. I guess it was a new baby, and thought we’d get married and that I would change my name to his :/

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog would passport control accept a photo?!

Thanks everyone for some great advice and for sharing your experiences - this has really helped!

Everyone always thinks this. But it's as easy to change TO the married name when and if you do marry.

By law a school has to keep the legal names on the Admission register. But preferred names can be used for many things around the school including registration, timetables and even reports. We have a few students where seeing their legal name is traumatising. I investigated this in detail. It is OK to use preferred names. Under GDPR the child is able to make this decision themselves (age varies according to factors, but 11-13 ish is OK)

Make an application to court - C100 - for Specific Issues to change your child's name.

@Goldwakeme you can choose a place name that is special to you or words that you like and google them as surnames or blend your name and another name together like they do with celeb couples. My sister married a woman and they chose a new surname for themselves. I actually think it is quite lovely. Dh's mate's surname was Longbottom, his fiance said absolutely not so they changed it to their honeymoon destination name on marriage.

Out of interest, if he's on the court order as a parent they don't live with but can visit, is he also allowed to take them Abroad without the person named to live with's consent?

Meant to quote this when I asked above!

First time post...
I'm hoping someone has a similar experience and has an answer.
My ex and I only semi resolved financial matters when we got divorced (she divorced me). She bought me out of the family home, and that was it. No clean break, or court financial order. I pay child maintenance for my 16 year old daughter.
We both moved on and remarried, so now we are in the "marriage trap,"and to my limited understanding, can't make a financial claim against each other. As in inheritance, lotto win, spousal maintenance or something along those lines. But the other week I found out that she is getting divorced, which got me thinking. Does this now mean that she is free and open to make any claim against me for financial gains? Like the ones I have already mentioned. Surely you can't go and have a collection of ex spouses and all of them be open to financial claims from one person. Is there a ruling/law?
Big thanks in advance for read this.

No. It is only being named as a person with whom the child is to live that gives you the right to take the child out of the country without the other parent's consent.

They might but it is a risk. Whenever one of these threads pop up, people pile on saying they've never had any trouble taking their children out of the country. However, every year some parents are refused boarding at departure or refused entry at their destination if they don't have proof that they have the consent of everyone with PR or an appropriate court order.

The name belongs to your child, not you. They are the ones who are going to have to deal with the hassle of having a name that doesn’t match the birth certificate for the rest of their lives. You should not be solving a problem of your own by making a problem for your child.

@Beenhereforever1978 did you go to court to be able to change the name and add yours? Or did it not get that far?

He was/is a very combative person and took what felt like delight in making every decision around our son into a battleground. Usually I would back down for a quiet life, this time I did not and I think it signalled that I had had enough and was prepared to go through with it.

Invite him to mediation of it is safe to do so. He will have to explain in front of another grown-up why this change is going to be detrimental to your child, which it clearly is not. They may also be able to explain in words that resonate with him that if, and I am paraphrasing here, he is determined to take every disagreement over your children to court he will quickly become viewed as petty and controlling.

I hope this helps.

My son (much older now) is utterly horrified by the amount of times his father used the legal system to try to make me do things and it has affected his respect for him. Your ex may want to have that in mind and pick wiser battles.

@Beenhereforever1978 thanks so much for your reply, really appreciate it :) sorry you had to go through that crap though

I'm happy if it helps you. Having my son removed from me in Thailand when he was barely 3 was a pretty horrid experience, I completely understood why they had to do it (we look nothing alike, he had waist length blonde ringlets and I look very Spanish) and they were brilliant about it, just made jokes with him and asked questions about who I was and it was all sorted very quickly, but for a jetlagged toddler it could have turned out much worse! I had paperwork from his father luckily which helped.

After the third time though I went for the name change!

My son has always gone as "known as" in school as his father's name as both names are a mouthfull. It's only been important for me for the same reasons you stated in your OP, travel and a connection to my side of the family.

Keep firm and repeat the mantra that the onus is on him to prove it's detrimental to your children, not on you to justify why it isn't.

Or even when they're married. I'm married. My children have my surname and their father's as a middle name.