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Original poster

Attacked, can it be dealt with without Police involvement?

44 replies

Ofcourseit · 09/07/2023 08:39

I'm a regular poster but name changed for this for safety reasons.

My brother decided a few years ago that he didn't want to be part of our family anymore. He has MH and drug issues, has always been a loose canon. It was a relief but he left the family with violence and abuse towards all of us. I won't go into why he decided to do this but we are glad he did due to his abusive behaviour towards us.

At the time he lived with his family in Australia. Great for us so no bumping into him. Unfortunately last year he returned to our home town. I've seen him once and luckily I was with a large group so just left the area.

Last weekend my husband was in town during the day in a leisure centre and saw him. He turned away and carried on with what he was doing to ignore him. Brother went up to him and grabbed his face and said why are you ignoring me. He is much taller than my husband and physically very strong. He told him he would love to cut him and then pushed my husband over some chairs so he fell and stood over him and said he wanted to kill him.

Security guards came over and asked my H if they could ring the police. He said no as he was in shock. He carried on with what he was doing and my brother continues to shout abuse at him. He was obviously very shaken. The security team asked him again if they could phone the police but he wanted to get home. They said they'd keep the cctv for him for the next few weeks so he could consider it.

So the complicating factor is that my parents are allowed access to his children but if they don't go along with what he wants he withdraws access. He had already rang them by the time my H had got home and said they would lose the kids if they let my husband ring the police. This would kill my parents to lose those children.

Is there anything we can do to protect my family though without involving police? An injunction? I have teen children who do the usual things around town. What if he attacked one of them??

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 09/07/2023 14:26

Roussette · 09/07/2023 13:04

Doesn't your DH feel betrayed with talk of not going to the Police. It must've been horrible for him, he deserves to have official action taken.

Your parents are being unfair, I'm afraid to say

This. You don’t have your husbands back at all.

Weal · 09/07/2023 14:30

I would just echo what everyone else says…yes involve the police and possibly look into a restraining order of some kind so you can keep him away from your home and family.

The situation with the grandchildren is unfortunate but that is for your parents to manage. You need to prioritise the safety of your family over anything else. You can’t let him have that power over you. Also if there is an escalation you need all the evidence you can get….so get that CCTV stored now!!

Redglitter · 09/07/2023 14:39

If you could get an injunction who do you propose contacting when he breaks it?

As pp said your priority should be your husband. Call the Police & report it. If you don't you're basically telling your brother he can do what ever he wants so long as your parents get to see his kids

GCAcademic · 09/07/2023 14:43

He had already rang them by the time my H had got home and said they would lose the kids if they let my husband ring the police. This would kill my parents to lose those children.

He’s basically saying he should be allowed to abuse and assault anyone in the family he chooses to, and to use his own children to facilitate that. So, no, that’s not something you can go along with, otherwise what’s he going to do next time, and the time after that?

Whataretheodds · 09/07/2023 14:46

Looking at this the wrong way

Even if your DH didn't go to the police, would you be asking
"My brother is violent and aggressive. How do we safeguard his children?"

Original poster
Ofcourseit · 09/07/2023 15:10

My husband has been to view the cctv and he is very tall and blocking most of the view of what happened. You can see my brother is the aggressor but not actually what is happening. The audio is very telling though.

But now my husband is so ill (he has a very serious life limiting illness) that he feels unable to tell the police. I've begged him to reconsider but he feels that he is not well enough to deal with it. His blood pressure is now dangerously high and he feels as though he's been through enough.

Ultimately the decision is his so I cannot force him.

My parents have said that if anything else happens that we aren't to consider them and just take any action that we need to. So at least there is that.

All I can do now is carry pepper spray, add more cctv to our home and safeguard the children as best as we can.

My brother and his wife actually live with her family (annex) so I don't worry about the safety of them. If I was to ring social services he would know it was me or someone else in the family and there would be consequences for us.

Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
Weal · 09/07/2023 15:12

I’m sorry op but I’d take it out of your husbands hands and report it to the police and seek a restraining order. I thought police didn’t need a persons permission to prosecute a crime…or is that only in domestic abuse situation?

I honestly think you are sending a dangerous message that your brother can do whatever he wants and get away with it.

NewIdeasToday · 09/07/2023 15:14

Completely agree with the previous poster. This must be reported to the police.

how much worse would your husband feel if this man attacks another family member?

Weal · 09/07/2023 15:16

At the minute you have the CCTV and the text message as evidence of intimidation please make sure you at least keep that

Original poster
Ofcourseit · 09/07/2023 15:16

Weal · 09/07/2023 15:12

I’m sorry op but I’d take it out of your husbands hands and report it to the police and seek a restraining order. I thought police didn’t need a persons permission to prosecute a crime…or is that only in domestic abuse situation?

I honestly think you are sending a dangerous message that your brother can do whatever he wants and get away with it.

How can I do this if I wasn't even there? I don't know exactly what was said or the sequence of events.
I suppose I could pretend that the store manager reported it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ofcourseit · 09/07/2023 15:17

Sorry not store manager, whatever the manager of a leisure centre is called. It was next to the shop when it happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ofcourseit · 09/07/2023 15:19

Honestly i understand people not understanding how he can not report it but my husband is absolutely ill with this. I'm worried he will have a stroke or something his blood pressure is so high (he has to take it daily).

OP posts:
Weal · 09/07/2023 15:19

I’d start by calling 101 or going to the police station and explaining the situation.l and asking for their advice.

WilkinsonM · 09/07/2023 15:20

You can report it, and the police can act on the basis of the CCTV evidence.
I'm not sure why you are not worried about them knowing you reported to police or a lawyer but you don't want them to know if you report to social services?

daytriptovulcan · 09/07/2023 15:20

Not ringing the police is unwise and could allow escalation into a more dangerous situation.
Your brother will know it's a 'fair cop' if the police knock on his door.

Original poster
Ofcourseit · 09/07/2023 15:25

daytriptovulcan · 09/07/2023 15:20

Not ringing the police is unwise and could allow escalation into a more dangerous situation.
Your brother will know it's a 'fair cop' if the police knock on his door.

I'm not the right person to report him to social services. I haven't seen the children for years. I know nothing about their lives apart from their mother and her family would not allow them to be harmed.
My priority is my own family.

OP posts:
Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 16:31

A solicitor can help. MumsNet can't.

This is a case of battery. You can get an injunction called an NMO. It's not my area of expertise but a solicitor can help you.

Talia99 · 10/07/2023 21:25

Ofcourseit · 09/07/2023 15:10

My husband has been to view the cctv and he is very tall and blocking most of the view of what happened. You can see my brother is the aggressor but not actually what is happening. The audio is very telling though.

But now my husband is so ill (he has a very serious life limiting illness) that he feels unable to tell the police. I've begged him to reconsider but he feels that he is not well enough to deal with it. His blood pressure is now dangerously high and he feels as though he's been through enough.

Ultimately the decision is his so I cannot force him.

My parents have said that if anything else happens that we aren't to consider them and just take any action that we need to. So at least there is that.

All I can do now is carry pepper spray, add more cctv to our home and safeguard the children as best as we can.

My brother and his wife actually live with her family (annex) so I don't worry about the safety of them. If I was to ring social services he would know it was me or someone else in the family and there would be consequences for us.

Thanks for the support.

Are you in the UK? If so, do not under any circumstances obtain or carry pepper spray.

It is completely illegal in this country although that doesn’t stop some dodgy overseas websites shipping it to the UK. If it gets intercepted at customs you will be prosecuted. This is also the case if you ever have to use it.

If you are not in the UK, obviously you can ignore this.

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