Separating with a child caught in the middle

[Azaryan]

Hi, I'm hoping someone has been through the same and can guide me as I'm drowning in stress.

For what are probably irrelevant reasons to the courts (he cheated on me), my partner of many years left home, leaving myself and our 7 year old behind. My son will be able to vouch that despite his wrong doing, my partner was asked to stay on multiple occasions, which he firmly turned down.

Fast forward to today, my son is coping amazingly and leads a stable life. His dad walking out has barely left a dent as every other aspect of his life remains unchanged. He has a secure roof over his head, a parent who continues to single handedly provide for him as I have done from day one and a stable routine that includes a school he loves.

His father is now demanding 50% of access. He doesn't have a home as he currently couch surfs, doesn't have a stable job and his own family live 250 miles away, so an unrealistic distance for a 7 year old to travel back and forth as if he's a yoyo.

Moreover, my son is only 7, and I am not prepared to miss out on 5.5 years of his upbringing and childhood over the next 11 years, because his entitled father through his selfish needs wants to destroy his stability, feeling he is owed 50% child.

I will categorically not agree to such a drastic change to his routine, because he isn't a toy to be continuously passed back and forth for the remainder of his childhood and although he is both our child, the fact he walked out and left him with me to begin with speaks volumes. I personally cannot see his father agreeing to anything else either out of spite and principle, so I am wondering how and if mediation would work for us if we are both unwilling to compromise? What are our options? Am I being unreasonable?

I feel like I'm losing my baby through no fault of my own and I'm heartbroken. I'm also worried that one day he will just take him to Sussex (we live in the Midlands) and refuse to give him back. What can I do to stop this?

Many thanks in advance.

You are not a good parent. You don't want to lose 5.5 years of your child as you put it but are happy for the father to lose 11 years. Of course, you know better and know all the answers.

Unless there are safeguarding concerns he has a legal right to have access to his child, and unless there are very valid reasons to prohibit unsupervised contact that would be in the best interests of the child.
He won't be able to have overnights without a stable address but it could be that his parents' house provides that.
Ultimately though he'd need you to either agree, which clearly you won't, or it take it to court. If you're assessment of him is accurate he won't have the motivation or finances to do this.

It's not about your or him. It's about the child. You need to always remember that.

Hire the best lawyer that you can afford. Judges are ideologically driven by shared residence at all cost and especially if your DS is 7 yo. It is irrelevant that your XH doesn't have a regular residence. They believe seeing their DF trumps everything else.

@taxpayer1 OP is an excellent parent and the deadbeat parent who walked out on their child is the sh@te parent and needs to understand he will face the consequences of his actions. You cannot dump your dog in somebody else's care then demand it back when you feel like it so it should be even more so for a child.

That is your opinion. She is only interested in her, not the children. I hope he takes her to court. The courts are slow but see through all the lies.

@taxpayer1 I hope you feel better for insulting me. I am doing what I can to ensure my son's life has minimal disturbance. The reason he has coped so well is because every other aspect of his life has remained unchanged. I am such a bad parent that they see one another when they want even allow his dad in my property to see him because he has nowhere to take him. I have made it clear that he can see him as much as my son wants to see him back, but excuse me if I won't stand for my ex to turn my son's world upside down by either ensuring homelessness 50% of the time and begging to sleep from sofa to sofa because he can't afford a place, or trying to move him 250miles away where he can actually afford to have him. Not sure who spat in your cereal this morning, but it wasn't me.

@TizerorFizz it wasn't to you, sorry! I found your comments very helpful thank you.

I am not insulting you. Your comment about not wanting to miss out 5.5 years of his upbringing says it all. You don't want to co-parent because you don't want to lose a single minute of his upbringing. You need to understand it is not about you. It is about your child. The courts don't care about you or your needs or wants. They only care about what is best for your shared child. I suggest you start to do the same to avoid disappointments.

Actually, you were insulting me. Moreover, it's interesting how you chose to dwell on that point (of course I would want to see as much of my child as possible!) instead of the one where I stated how well my son took the whole ordeal because of the beautiful life he has, which I wanted to guard with minimal disturbances. You're nothing but a bitter troll.

Sure.

I can only talk from experience of my family court journey (which is still ongoing 4 years on) but unless there has been some categoric abuse of your child that has been evidenced, it is highly likely he will get some form of stable contact and I think you need to prepare yourself for that.
The Courts are very keen to progress contact and want both children to have relationships with their parents, however useless the non-resident parent is.
I am quite certain given the factors of distance, not having a permanent address and not being able to financially provide (if he hasn't got a stable job) he won't get 50/50 shared care - the Court will look at all of the factors.
However, what you need to be prepared for is sharing all holidays, sharing special occasions (birthdays and Christmas') and possible EOW contact if he is willing to do all of the travel.
I get completely where you're coming from, but you do not have sole "ownership" of your son, the father is on the birth certificate and has equal rights as much as you.
You need to get used to the idea of building contact up slowly and I would suggest doing this of your own volition rather than taking the matter to Court as it will then be out of your hands.
Realistically, at the moment there is nothing he can do, but can make an application to the Court for a CAO.
My biggest piece of advice to you as someone who has been through the family court - is to keep it out of the family court.