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Original poster

Narcissistic baby dad is taking me to court

27 replies

Babygirlmum · 02/06/2023 11:44

Where do I stand in any of this, let me give a little back story, my ex boyfriend left when I was pregnant with DD and said he doesn't want to be part of her life, after 5 months and a child maintenance letter he wanted to be involved, after quite abit of thought I allowed him to meet her when she was 5 months old, he has been nothing but inconsistent and he doesn't show any sign at all that he even cares about her in anyway at all, he always seems to be more interested in what I've been up to since the split and things like that, DD is now 1 year old and he wants to take me to court, he's not on her birth certificate as he wasn't present at the birth, he was not a part of her life, he doesn't show an interest in her, I even allowed him to take her out for the day with his mother because apparently he can't look after her on his own, after his mother meeting her he all of a sudden wants to take me to court but before hand he couldn't care less, he wants to live a lad life style which does not make room for DD, also he lives nearly two hours away from me, what should I prepare and what should I expect in all of this.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 02/06/2023 11:49

Speak to your health visitor, document everything related to communication and contact, all the times he doesn't show up, everything he says. He isn't on the bc, that is good. His mother has no rights at all.
Let him crack on with court. It will cost him a lot of money and he probably won't bother.
Only communicate by email.

Mia85 · 02/06/2023 11:51

What does he want from the court?
Has he actually done anything to progress this or is it just something he's threatening?

mug2018 · 02/06/2023 11:51

@endofthelinefinally totally agree - let him crack on.
Keep a record of contact he has with you & Don't let him get under your skin

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 02/06/2023 11:55

@Mia85 apparently he wants fairness and consistency, oh and let me mention, he wants DD to stay over with him and his family when they are strangers to Her and she is only 1, he thinks the judge will allow this.

OP posts:

DumpedByText · 02/06/2023 12:11

Call his bluff and say OK go ahead and I'll wait to hear from your solicitor. Once he realises he can't control you with threats, I bet he backs off!

SheilaFentiman · 02/06/2023 12:20

I would put reasonable money on this never getting to court.

endofthelinefinally · 02/06/2023 12:20

He has no interest in his child's welfare.
He is just trying to control you.
Keep detailed records of every message, phone call, threats, every little thing.
Stay calm, don't engage and don't get upset.
He is enjoying scaring you. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Hellno45 · 02/06/2023 12:21

You need to keep a record of his interactions with her. So record each contact. How many hours he had her. When he didn't show up. Any observations such as was she fed, clean, happy ect. Also keep copy's of your texts to him and his text to you. Make sure you keep copies in case you lose you phone. Don't tell him anything about your life he only beers to know about DC.

If he wants overnights. He needs to build up his contacts. He isn't going to go from 2 hours to overnights. I would offer him regular contact for a few hours a week and see if he can be consistent and build up. If he wants to go to court you can demonstrate that you are being reasonable and offering contact.

WoooahNelly · 02/06/2023 12:21

I'm sure I read a thread exactly the same as this a couple of weeks ago

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 02/06/2023 12:24

Stop communicating with him. Tell him all needs to via your solicitor now. Do not let it become The Norm that you hand your dd over for long periods... He can come see her for short visits at or near your home. If he won't do that he won't be able to convince a judge he has dd's best interests... Keep all messages etc.

Princessbananahamock · 02/06/2023 12:55

Not on birth certificate = no parental rights.
I do believe he would have to apply for parental rights first. This talk of court will cost him a hell of a lot of money. Paternity tests etc.
Let him crack on. The advice on contact is little and often with little ones.

DataNotLore · 02/06/2023 12:56

Just block him.

Do you really think this tosser is organised enough to do this?

DataNotLore · 02/06/2023 12:58

Babygirlmum · 02/06/2023 11:55

Is it him wanting this or his mother?

WilkinsonM · 02/06/2023 12:59

He needs to set up mediation before he can apply to court anyway. Try not to worry yet!

itsgettingweird · 02/06/2023 13:12

I'd set up in writing what you think needs to happen before he had her over night.

For example.

He comes every day once a week and spends 5-6 hours with her. He spends changing time with her and food time with her and takes her out places of interest to her and interacts.

Also who moved away? Because that will affect who's expected to do the travelling etc.

There is isn't any reason a judge wont allow EOW or whatever in the future but will expect that to be built up by building a relationship. If you can show you've facilitated this and he's failed to maintain it it gives you more argument to extend the time before overnights are allowed.

He'll likely have no issue getting parental rights because by allowing the contact and claiming CMS you've already shown you accept he's her parent despite not being on BC.

It's not as simple as refusing and a judge saying "no chance" because of the past. They always want what's best for the children and where possible that's a relationship with both parents and their extended families.

trevthecat · 02/06/2023 13:13

Will cost h a fortune. Its unlikely he will go through with it and he would have to get parental rights first

notacooldad · 02/06/2023 13:20

if your feeling brave you could try what my friend did a few years ago.

She emailed him saying she thought was a great idea. She said to him it made sense then they could both have access to the child and the court would decide who pays for what, including toys, trips out etc what days the child see him and also what school holidays he will have her. She put loads more in the email implying the court will decide who does even the mot smallest detail and finished with it will be good to have a third party settle everything. She knew he was doing it as a control thing.
she never heard anything else again.

pictoosh · 02/06/2023 13:34

Yep, just tell him, "That's fine, we'll sort it out in court." and smile.

He isn't going to bother his arse. Bet you.

endofthelinefinally · 02/06/2023 13:43

notacooldad · 02/06/2023 13:20

if your feeling brave you could try what my friend did a few years ago.

This is brilliant.

I have also seen recommendations to say how lovely it will be to have regular free time. I don't know if that would be wise at this stage though.

JustAnotherLawyer2 · 02/06/2023 15:29

If he applies to court for PR and contact, barring any serious safeguarding concerns, he'll get them. He'll also get overnight visits.

If your child is currently breastfed, then visits initially would be short and often to allow for that, but given her current age, that won't last for long.

You would be better off arranging something between the two of you - use a parenting plan - setting out exact dates and times for him to have the child and what each parent expects or wants for the child (the parenting plan will help you set this out). If you cannot do it together, then use a mediator. At the very least the person who wants to apply to court has to try a MIAM first, so you may as well utilise the mediator properly in trying to agree something. You can also agree for him to have PR and re-register her birth - she has the absolute right to have her father's name on her BC, even if he was an arse and didn't attend previously.

You, and he, lose all control once the matter is in court. The judge, or more often magistrates who have no legal training besides a couple of days, will decide what they think is in your child's best interests, and can dismiss any concerns you have with a flick of their heads and will give him PR. Keep that in mind before going down the court route.

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 02/06/2023 17:15

@JustAnotherLawyer2 Thankyou for you're reply, this is now out of my control as he is or may of already done so applied for court, the last he told me his message said see you in court, he is a police officer and works different shift patterns, this means he is never set to certain days for DD, he will never plan in advance he will just say before his rest days, can I see DD etc and sometimes won't say it at all, he also says he can't do every week as it costs to much in petrol and he can't do it all the time, he shows no interest in DD and when he does I can almost guarantee it is mainly fake, he also wants it for his mother he has in so many words told me he wants it for his mother who he also said was going to look for grand parent rights witch I believe they're is none.

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 02/06/2023 23:33

Lots of parents do see dads who work shifts. It just has to be sorted out. Grandparents don’t have rights. Your DC should see the father. Offer mediation.

FatherB · 03/06/2023 04:08

A lot of the advice here from mothers only works if he doesn't take you to court, if he does take you to court then he will get overnight contact and he will get put on the birth certificate... assuming there's no proof of abuse.

I would say don't push it, a court would likely off supervised visits at first, for DC to get used to him and his family, and then when things are more comfortable for this to extend to day visits and then overnights. Frame it to be in DC's best interests, put it in an email clearly and if he says yes, then that's good for both of you isn't it? avoiding court and dealing with it maturely in a way that's best for your child, if he says no then if it does go to court you get to say you were reasonable, you offered realistic options and he turned them down.

Babygirlmumx · 13/01/2024 22:44

Unfortunately if he decides to take you to court he can quite easily. It’s a matter of him getting legal aid and dragging you through court which could last years. He will get a huge amount of his legal fees paid for him so it is doable. Then he will be awarded parental rights and responsibilities by the sheriff unless you have very good reason why he shouldn’t be. And just cause you don’t want him there isn’t enough. Even if he’s been an abuser beforehand isn’t enough. Then he can start doing whatever he likes within reason. Court will eventually allow him overnights on a regular basis. And even if the child isn’t coping the courts won’t care they’ll still grant the access anyway cause apparently that’s better for the kids and young kids can adjust. I’d recommend trying to sort it out away from the courts if you can as it’s extremely stressful and ultimately your lives will be mapped out by the courts. But on the positive if you do go through the courts then an order is legally binding and has to be stuck to which in a way can be easier.

TizerorFizz · 14/01/2024 09:52

@Babygirlmum Why would a man working as a policeman get legal aid? He won’t. He might represent himself. There’s no sheriff in England. He has applied to the courts so the op needs legal advice on what she should do now. The court is looking at how there can be a dad/child relationship. They have the interests of the child at the front of what they decide.

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