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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

Family home

60 replies

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 13:45

Can someone please talk me through what may happen with the family home with divorce/ what the options are?

We own jointly and have 2 young children. They would most likely only have day visits with him until quite a bit older so I would have pretty much sole custody( he struggles with their behaviour and they are very clingy with me at bedtimes in particular).

I wouldn't be able to buy him out. We have a big chunk of equity.

I may just about be able to pay for living costs and mortgage if I extended the term and upped my hours. He earns a lot and has plenty of savings so would get another place no problem.

Thankyou so much.

OP posts:

Collaborate · 01/02/2023 14:44

Nowhere near enough information. Look at the price of suitable cheaper properties. Work out what mortgage you could get. Book in to see a solicitor to take proper legal advice.

gogohmm · 01/02/2023 14:56

What are your total assets, that's equity, savings and pensions? If there's substantial savings and pension funds in his name that could be set against you getting more equity. Unless there's specific reasons, his savings are a marital asset.

As far as overnights, generally by preschool years overnights can be considered, don't let him get away with making you do all the parenting!

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 14:56

I'm booked in with a solicitor. Just panicking in the meantime. No cheaper properties in school catchment - all similar mortgages. What info do you need?

OP posts:

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 14:58

I don't want him to have over nights - he has a temper and shouts at the kids a lot. Struggles with their behaviour. There's a fair bit of savings and pension value yes. Could it be split somehow so he gets all of that and house somehow stats with kids and I? But what about paying monthly payments - not sure if the mortgage company would agree I can do it alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 14:59

Currently I would get only a tiny mortgage as part time with childcare fees too. Can up hours soon but childcare will be £££.

OP posts:

Marblessolveeverything · 01/02/2023 15:02

Not in UK but my understanding is 50/50 is the starting point unless children are breastfed and under 2 ? - If there are concerns about him having that access I would jointly prioritise that with the property query. Sorry you are going through this, hopefully someone can direct you to supports.

meditrina · 01/02/2023 15:06

You cannot reasonably expect him to forego his share of the equity for anything other than a (fairly brief) transitional period.

You will need to up your hours asap, and look in to cost of rental properties (invest equity, look to buy when you no longer need to pay childcare)

and of course don't assume all childcare costs are going to be yours - the DC might be too young for overnights now, but that will change, as should the proportional sharing of the bills. Your 'want' will not trump the DC's right to have a relationship with their DDad, so expect this to develop.

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 15:08

He won't want the access unless he decides to try and get it for ££ reasons.in any case i

OP posts:

gogohmm · 01/02/2023 15:13

The percentage of assets you get is up for negotiation, your needs to house the children and their age will be a factor but so will how long you have been married and assets brought to the marriage if shorter than 10 years potentially. You can then set the other assets against his share of the equity. It is likely though from what you are saying you need to work more hours, unfortunately this is often the case when marriages break down

His right to see his children will not be stopped unless there's good reason, you not wanting him too isn't a reason (of course he may not request access)

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 15:38

It may not be up to me to decide access. It's complicated.

There are no rentals in school catchment I've checked.

Can we keep house jointly owned then sell when the kids are older? I am so worried about the kids, it would be hard enough without them having to move.

Childcare will continue to be £££ for wraparound and there is no family around to help.

OP posts:

Collaborate · 01/02/2023 15:38

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 14:56

I'm booked in with a solicitor. Just panicking in the meantime. No cheaper properties in school catchment - all similar mortgages. What info do you need?

I don't need any infoirmation. Your solicitor will need it. Ask them what they need you to get together before the meeting.

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 15:40

There's potentially a very good reason- complicated and not all facts are known. I am happy for access if it's proven it's safe best for the kids.

I can work more hours but not immediately. Marriage shorter than 10 years though together and mortgaged together for much longer.

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Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 15:41

Collaborate · 01/02/2023 15:38

I don't need any infoirmation. Your solicitor will need it. Ask them what they need you to get together before the meeting.

Show quote history

I have. Was just looking for any reassurance in the meantime that the kids may get to stay in their home :-(. I don't feel I have a choice in doing this.

OP posts:

meditrina · 01/02/2023 15:59

I know it must feel daunting right now, but staying financially tied to your STBX for years is not in your interests.

And it's really not fair to deprive him of his share of the equity (other than briefly during transition). He needs to be able to move on too, and he won't be able to if you are sitting on thousands of pounds that are his share.

It doesn't sound as though you can afford to stay. So you need to keep looking and keep planning your own future. Because your task now is to manage tis transition and to move forwards into your new future. Not sit on his assets and hope something will turn up.

It is the norm to sell up and move on. You can do it, you really can

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 16:12

The kids would have to move school though- they really wouldn't cope with that and a house move. Even if a rental came up it would be out of catchment and nearly as £££ as a mortgage.

So is it normal for one person to take the kids to a rental out of area etc after a divorce :-(.

He could move on easily enough without the equity for now as combined with our joint savings, his other assets and his much higher wage he'd get a mortgage no problem. He'd be working full time, not doing childcare and have a nest egg of the equity when it's sold later?

Devastated if this is the only option. The kids will hate me and I won't even be able to explain why properly. Fuck.

OP posts:

Boppa12 · 01/02/2023 16:24

Hi I need legal advice pls?

NocturnalClocks · 01/02/2023 16:39

OP if your kids are in school already can they not continue at the same school even if you move out of catchment?

NocturnalClocks · 01/02/2023 16:48

Your children are young. The split of assets will be needs-based so you may well get more than 50% given he earns more and you are the primary carer. If he has a large pension balance and savings you may be abke to negotiate that he keeps that and you keep the house equity, but it depends on many factors. A solicitor will be able to advise on the best way forward. Definitely look for full time work though asap as well.

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 17:03

I am looking for more hours already. Shouldn't be too much of a problem to get them. Youngest not in school just yet so been doing childcare alongside work up to now.

Hopefully solicitor will be able to tell me if there's any way the kids can stay at home.

OP posts:

BetterFuture1985 · 01/02/2023 17:56

The court has wide discretion but you can make a reasonable estimate of the outcome because most cases don't settle in court. Instead what is going to happen is that both of you will receive advice, get an idea of the best and worst case scenario, almost always realise the difference in best and worst case is not worth the legal fees and then agree something between you that roughly equates to somewhere in the middle of what a court might decide. It might work something like this:

First question. Can a clean break be achieved where both parties can house themselves adequately (assuming both parties are maximising their earning capacity and seeking mortgages from the whole of the market)? Yes, then house is sold and capital divided based on need so both parties can do that. It might be that you get 60-70% of the equity because you can't borrow as much, but calculations will be based on what you can earn, not on what you do earn.

If a clean break with both owning is not possible then move to step 2.

The next question is can both parents adequately house themselves if the family home is not sold? Your claim that your ex can afford it will be tested at this point but if he is stuck on a mortgage with you his borrowing capacity might be extremely limited and he might have to rent. He could even be so stretched that he would fail a credit check on rentals for suitable housing. If the answer is yes, you might be able to stay until (and only until) you are able to adequately house yourself. That is not necessarily going to be until your children are 18 if they are so young now. You would also need to prove you could afford the mortgage etc on your own unless he earned extremely significant amounts. If the answer is no, then you would be expected to sell and either downsize or rent.

My wife tried to get a Mesher Order but was extremely dependent on significant amounts of child maintenance to be able to afford the mortgage unless she worked more hours in a better paid field, which she didn't want to do. I would have happily reduce my work week (and therefore salary) to make it completely unaffordable for her if she had been successful, so I would strongly advise that if you try and enforce something like this on an ex, you can pay for it without needing maintenance.

EyesOnThePies · 01/02/2023 18:36

Dies he have substantial savings and a substantial pension?

Be ready to tell the solicitor how much he has, and roughly how much has been built during your marriage.

Be able to tell the solicitor his earnings. Remember you will receive child maintenance as well as whatever assets (equity / cash / pension) you get in the financial settlement.

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 18:42

I don't want to screw him over at all. I haven't worked full time mainly because he wanted me to support his career by doing home/ kids stuff. I can up hours but no opportunity to increase wage ( at the ceiling)without changing career which would need retraining to equal/ exceed my current earnings.

What are significant amounts? I could afford the mortgage on full time hours if I extended the term( should be allowed) and allow for some child maintainance.

I would get a mortgage elsewhere but not local to the school. I could downsize so the kids share a room but only up to a certain age. No rentals in local area other than small flats.

What's a mesher order anyway?

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Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 18:59

We have joint cash reserves as recently remortgaged and gifts from family. Half the equity we would have if we sold is roughly equal to the cash available I think. I'm really hoping he would agree to take the cash and I can persuade the bank to give me the mortgage solo. Extending the term would bring payments down too. If not then I would have to buy in another location if no rentals came up.

He also has his own savings and stocks/ shares started before we married. We both have decent pensions( well mine would be if I hadn't been pt so long).

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SquishyGloopyBum · 01/02/2023 19:05

Savings and pension all go in the pot to be shared.

Get legal advice. You might get more based on circumstances.

Original poster

Spinning12335 · 01/02/2023 19:11

@BetterFuture1985

Number 1 might be possible but only if I leave the area which obviously uproots the kids and schools etc.

Do people routinely have to move area with kids in this situation then? Family sized rentals are pretty much unheard of......

I don't know if he will be amicable. I think he'd prefer to live together separately but that isn't going to be possible.

OP posts:

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