Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Custody help!

28 replies

Mummy172113 · 28/12/2021 23:50

Hi, please bear with me, first time I've ever posted on one of these forums but I'm just hoping to get some advice re. Custody and family court.

So, basically I left my ex partner due to domestic abuse, with the help of numerous agencies I managed to get a new home for myself and the kids sorted and left fairly quickly. My ex partner was aware I was looking to leave but didnt believe I would as hes financially controlling, emotionally abusive, narcissistic ampngst other things. Anyway, just before I left to enable to get some help for mu kids, I self referred to Social care Early Help as his behaviour to the kids was not what a father should be like and was progressively worsening and they identified some safeguarding concerns re. My ex partner. Theyve told the social worker a lot but it never escalated to a formal level of involvement.

Now that hes primarily not involved, social care have closed their involvement as the risks been removed but he still has access to the kids. My ex was seeing the kids at my parents for visitation initially (he thought if he did we would get back together) but after I said I had no intention of a relationship he was getting ruder to them so I said contact was to go through a contact centre instead. I reported him to the police for harrassment as he would message constantly and was getting verbally aggressive with me.

Tonight, my ex hand delivered a letter to my parents house outlining his expectations of joint custody for our children. He expects to have them every weekend, every festive holiday or special occasion and every annual leave holiday he has off of work - he works away monday - Thursday night but can have leave periods of up to 4 weeks. He wants 50/50 in all decisions including re school (he doesnt know which school kids go due to social worker helping me move them when moving house)

His demands for 50/50 custody seem very unreasonable, especially as hes never bothered with the kids up until now - would a court grant him what he wants? I cant afford a solicitor and im panicking slightly as i do not know what the normal is so im hoping to see what other arrangements people have or if anyone has any legal advice theyd like to share.

Thanks for reading 🙈

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 29/12/2021 00:06

No, the Court is highly unlikely to agree to what he suggests.

Does he even know where you live? Or did you not move far?

MrsBertBibby · 29/12/2021 00:10

As you share parental responsibility with him he should be consulted about big decisions, like choice of school, but if you were being helped to move by SS that wasn't really feasible.

He won't get every weekend etc.

You may be able to get a solicitor on legal aid, with that history.

Original poster
Mummy172113 · 29/12/2021 00:17

He doesnt know my new address but has made comments that he knows what area and that h4 will find us.

We are only about 15 minutes in car from the old house. My ex partners job means he could be stationed anywhere in the country.

Ss sorted the school move so he doesnt know what area we are due to the risks.

I tried apply for legal aid to get a non molestation but there was a delay in paperwork as they wanted my kids savings account details so we missed the deadline for it

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 29/12/2021 00:26

There isn't a deadline for seeking a non molestation order. That doesn't sound right.

Legal aid is also available for advice about the child arrangements, SS should be able to give you a gateway letter.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2021 00:38

He can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first! A list of demands is not a court order.

You need to see a solicitor, whether you have legal aid or not. No one here can tell you what will or may happen. Only good legal advice can tell you that.

urbanbuddha · 29/12/2021 01:31

Rights of Women should be able to offer advice, or try Women's Aid. It sounds like you need to find a good family law solicitor.

wombleflump · 29/12/2021 21:29

Are you in the USA ? You are not using British words and obviously the law is different there .

TooMuchSugar22 · 30/12/2021 00:08

No they won't give him that.
DH has his dc every other weekend Fri to Mon. And half school holidays which are set in stone. Ie. 1st 3rd and 4th week of summer break. Or 2nd week easter. Etc.
Xmas is shared he has Xmas eve to Xmas day one year and Xmas night to boxing night the following and so forth.
Birthdays if it's not his contact day he gets 3 hours. If it's for example a day dsc is with us then the dc goes back to their dm for 3 hours.

With dh there was no issues prior though like you have so your ex isn't likely to get no where near as much.

Hoppinggreen · 30/12/2021 10:23

@wombleflump

Are you in the USA ? You are not using British words and obviously the law is different there .
Which words would those be? OP may not be In England but I can’t see anything in her post that suggests so
wombleflump · 30/12/2021 16:44

Visitation
Custody
Festive holidays
Social care
I was just asking because otherwise the legal system would be different

Kitkat151 · 30/12/2021 17:12

@Hoppinggreen OP is not using words used in England as @wombleflump has pointed out

prh47bridge · 30/12/2021 17:49

A UK website offering support to separated fathers has an article on "how visitation rights work for fathers".

Custody is still very commonly used in the UK by people who aren't aware that the courts no longer use that term.

I'm gobsmacked that anyone regards "festive holidays" and "social care" as non-UK terms.

OP talks about "social care early help" which is definitely something that exists in England.

I may be wrong but I think the OP is in England. I certainly do not agree that she is not using British words.

Hoppinggreen · 30/12/2021 18:13

Yep
All words I would use and I’m born and bred here in England

Kitkat151 · 30/12/2021 18:31

@prh47bridge

A UK website offering support to separated fathers has an article on "how visitation rights work for fathers".

Custody is still very commonly used in the UK by people who aren't aware that the courts no longer use that term.

I'm gobsmacked that anyone regards "festive holidays" and "social care" as non-UK terms.

OP talks about "social care early help" which is definitely something that exists in England.

I may be wrong but I think the OP is in England. I certainly do not agree that she is not using British words.

Social care is adults.... it’s children’s services It’s contact or access....not visitation
Kitkat151 · 30/12/2021 18:32

@Hoppinggreen

Yep All words I would use and I’m born and bred here in England
But I imagine your social worker uses different language when talking about your children
Hoppinggreen · 30/12/2021 19:15

well that’s bloody rude
None of this is actually helpful to OP though

prh47bridge · 30/12/2021 19:25

Social care is adults.... it’s children’s services

Most adults in the UK don't distinguish and, indeed, nor do some local authorities. My own LA, for example, refers to "children's social care" on their website.

It’s contact or access....not visitation

Legally, it is just contact. But, despite you disbelief, there are adults in the UK who use the term "visitation".

As per my previous post, from what she has posted I would guess the OP is in England.

RogerThatBravoOne · 30/12/2021 19:27

Children’s social care/services varies across different local authorities

MrsBertBibby · 30/12/2021 23:02

Legally, it isn't even "contact" any more. It is a Child Arrangements Order (spend time with).

Non molestation orders are very much not American, btw.

Original poster
Mummy172113 · 31/12/2021 00:14

Yes we're in England, all born and raised here. I didnt realise terms I have used werent apparently English as theyre all just terms that have been said to me by the support worker or New Era. Didnt intend to start an argument about language, I just wanted advice on whether his demands would be seen as reasonable or not as it isnt someing ive ever had to deal with before 🙈

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 31/12/2021 01:16

You get a good solicitor. Give them your evidence. State a case for the least contact. And don't bow down to his demands. Remember his solicitor will write /demand whatever he ask them to. Only a judge can order what will happen. Let one declare him a fit df..

EmmaMaya · 31/12/2021 01:57

Check out rights of women as a start for legal advice. It takes many tries to get through on their helpline but they were a great source of info for me in the past.

Thailand2017 · 31/12/2021 02:13

@EmmaMaya

Check out rights of women as a start for legal advice. It takes many tries to get through on their helpline but they were a great source of info for me in the past.
Be strong sweetheart so many are on your side and understand xx
prh47bridge · 31/12/2021 08:45

@Mummy172113

Yes we're in England, all born and raised here. I didnt realise terms I have used werent apparently English as theyre all just terms that have been said to me by the support worker or New Era. Didnt intend to start an argument about language, I just wanted advice on whether his demands would be seen as reasonable or not as it isnt someing ive ever had to deal with before 🙈
As MrsBertBibby says, the courts are highly unlikely to give him what he wants.
Hoppinggreen · 31/12/2021 10:39

@Mummy172113

Yes we're in England, all born and raised here. I didnt realise terms I have used werent apparently English as theyre all just terms that have been said to me by the support worker or New Era. Didnt intend to start an argument about language, I just wanted advice on whether his demands would be seen as reasonable or not as it isnt someing ive ever had to deal with before 🙈
You didn’t start an argument about language at all OP, some people were just being Dicks for some reason. I hope at least some of the advice has been helpful. prh47bridge is a lawyer I believe so worth listening to, unlike some people. Good Luck
Swipe left for the next trending thread