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Original poster

XH plans on moving back in

29 replies

Noregrets78 · 02/10/2013 22:23

Hi I could really do with knowing if there is anything I could do.

Key things ( I think...)
Divorce is now finalised, but the financial agreement is not. Therefore technically we both currently own the house. He moved out 5/6 months ago and I've been living in the house. I pay all bills myself, including the mortgage, and receive nothing from him.

There no residence order in place for DD, but she currently spends 4 nights with me, 3 nights with him.

XH needs to move out of his current place soon. He told me he plans on moving back in here.

To complicate things - since he moved out he's continued to access the house whenever he wants - has said he'll never give me any warning when he's coming round. He uses the washing machine, picks up his post, picks up things for DD etc. Always while I'm out of the house. He's very aware that I can't physically stop him at the moment.

Other background - he's abusive. He's been removed from the house by the police, and also warned for threatening phone calls. But nothing serious enough to allow for an occupation order.

Is there anything I can do to stop him? Do I just sit here and wait for him to arrive, and then rent somewhere? Surely after all this time, and me paying anyway, there is something I can actively do to ensure he can't move back in? He does not recognise that this is not in DD's best interests.

I'd like to stop him coming in the house as well - again not sure there's anything I can do. He still part owns the house, and he'll receive his bit of the investment when we sort the finances. but surely I'm entitled to feel safe, and have some privacy?

Thanks all.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/10/2013 15:31

Have a chat with Women's Aid: if he has been removed from the house for violence before now you should be able to keep him out. You could also have a chat with the police DV unit on the grounds that his behaviour is harassment (which it is) - your best bet is probably to change the locks, even though it's not technically legal to do so. The fact that he has left and is living elsewhere should also count towards a court order to keep him out.

Amateurish · 03/10/2013 19:23

You'll need to get a court order to prevent him entering, otherwise there's not much you can (legally) do. Can you help him find a new place?

Original poster
Noregrets78 · 04/10/2013 10:39

Thanks both. I'm going to chat to WA for some advice. In terms of a court order I was told months ago by my solicitor that his behavior might not be bad enough for an occupation order as the courts regard them as a draconian measure. But that was when I was trying to get him out. I was hoping I might have a better chance as he no longer lives here?

In terms of helping him find somewhere - not something I want to get involved with. Divorce is now final, and he still refuses to take responsibility for his own life. I'd rather he decided for himself where he wants to live.

OP posts:
Amateurish · 04/10/2013 11:39

I understand you wanting to be hands off, but it might be worth considering which course of action will be less hideous overall. Taking him to court for an occupation order might be very difficult (and expensive), and complicate the financial settlement if you haven't yet come to an agreement. Especially if you've already taken legal advice and been told that you have a poor chance of success.

If you change the locks, you will be legally obliged to provide him with a key if he asks. If you refuse, it will probably reflect badly on you at court.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/10/2013 11:47

out a bolt on the front door, keep it locked and leave by the back door?

you're not technically changing any locks are you?

Any ideas how long it will take before the financial matters are settled?

Original poster
Noregrets78 · 04/10/2013 14:13

fuzzy he has locks for all the doors so still wouldn't work.

I was hoping finances would be sorted by now (we verbally agreed in May), but now he's backing down on anything he's previously agreed. Latest letter yesterday states that he wants 100% of the equity in the house, as a cash payment. So now we're going to have to commence the court process... short answer - could take a while!

amateurish sadly this isn't a wholly rational person I'm dealing with - I could come up with various solutions of where he could live, but he doesn't want to listen to any of them. E.g. he'd rather camp on the beach than rent somewhere. There are places he could afford but none of them are good enough for him. I could go on, but needless to say my input is not helpful to him, or to me.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 04/10/2013 14:18

I think I would buy a brand new indoor lock for both front and back doors, so he does not and will not have keys, and if he challenges it say you have heard there have been some burglaries in the area and as a woman alone you do not feel safe. No court in their right mind would say no to this. Then just keep forgetting to give him keys - or get simple locks that just slide across without the need for a key. Then at least you would get some warning if you are in and he wants to come in and he won't be able to get in easily if you are out (lock the front door from the inside and go out the back maybe?).

Been there, done this. It's horrible. Hugs x

HystericalParoxysm · 04/10/2013 14:19

In similar circumstances, my solicitor advised me to add a lock rather than change any.

fuzzywuzzy · 04/10/2013 15:12

if he gets a free ride he will never leave.

He doesn't get 100% equity either.

Do you have anything in writing regarding your previous agreement?

Add locks as the previous pp says.

Don't even discuss his moving back in again, can you rent out any spare rooms? Make sure he cannot come back, put locks on internal rooms as well, so he cant enter your bedroom for example.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/10/2013 19:13

OK, if you were told that you couldn't get an occupation order while he was still living there, ask again. Because he has moved out and is continuing to behave unreasonably - you should be able to get one on the grounds that your family home is no longer his home and that he is living elsewhere. As to his demanding 100% equity, he can fuck off. Remember that he is not above the law and can be blocked and stonewalled repeatedly till he either fucks off (perhaps he will find another victim and lose interest in harassing you) or behaves badly enough to be locked up.

STIDW · 05/10/2013 20:13

YOu really need to speak to a solicitor. It's no longer his home but your human right to privacy and a family life is balanced against his rights to live there. If he has nowhere to live it may not be deemed unreasonable for him to come back.

If you apply for an occupation order to prevent him moving back the considerations include the behaviour of the parties towards one another, the availability of alternative accommodation or the means to pay for alternative accommodation and the safety and welfare of children.

Original poster
Noregrets78 · 05/10/2013 21:36

I'm seeing my solicitor on Monday, so will pick their brains about everything.

Can someone reassure me how the residency of a child is decided? Through his solicitor he's asked to be deemed main carer to help him find accommodation locally, and therefore preserve their relationship. Surely main carer is based on who does the majority of the caring / who is most suitable? Please tell me that he won't be deemed main carer to help him get a house?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2013 21:38

Main carer is the parent who cares for the child mainly, if your son is with you the majority of the time it's you, if you get child benefit for your son it's you.

Do not under any circumstances sign anything agreeing he is the main carer.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2013 21:39

Also as main carer starting point of finance matters gives you 60% of equity in the house as far as I remember.

Original poster
Noregrets78 · 05/10/2013 22:18

fuzzy thank you. DD is with me the majority of the time, and I get the child benefit. Current offer from us is 50/50 to reflect the fact that I am main carer, but his earning potential is lower. I really just need to dismiss his ridiculous 100% idea as tosh, but it's really got to me!

OP posts:
Collaborate · 05/10/2013 22:22

fuzzywuzzy there is no basis in law upon which you can make such a sweeping statement. The starting point in all cases is an equal division. Being main carer of the children gives you no automatic entitlement to anything more.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2013 22:29

My experience has been 60% for the main carer as the needs of housing a child is considered to be the greater need.
Is it not based on need any more?

I'm not a lawyer, all the people I know who've been thro divorce got that.

With kids involved that appears to be the starting point.

Obviously OP needs to get legal advice, I don't think she's taking my advice instead of a solicitors.

78bunion · 05/10/2013 22:54

If he earns less then he will get more than 50% which is common for fathers who earn less than mothers. you might be able to remortgage to get him off the mortgage and pay him say 60% of the equity if your incomes are not too different. Perhaps he wants the child to live with him though in the house and you pay him? There is no reason mothers always should get that option but not fathers particularly where he as low earning potential and you have higher.

Original poster
Noregrets78 · 06/10/2013 08:42

78bunion yes I know that the difference in our incomes is an important factor. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to matter that his lower capacity is not as a result of the marriage - it was like that when we met, and has not been helped by him undergoing regular disciplinary action, walking out of jobs etc. He is very narcissistic, and nothing is ever good enough.

I appreciate the Dad is also entitled to live in the

home, but surely not when he's not the main carer?

He would like nothing more than to have sole residency, retire and be supported by me, while continuing to manipulate and emotionally abuse DD. I won't let that happen.

OP posts:
VoodooHexDoll · 06/10/2013 09:00

Could you sell the house and move somewhere smaller for just you and dd with your name on mortage only and give him 60% of the equaty just to get rid of him?

Could you take in a lodger so he has nowhere to sleep?

VoodooHexDoll · 06/10/2013 09:04

Or get a boyfriend and make.it very uncinfortable for your xh to be there?

A male friend that is willing to acted as a boyfriend!

Locks on all doors in the house and food cupboards.

Good luck

Collaborate · 06/10/2013 09:41

OP some of the responses you've had here are so misleading.
I can't understand how unqualified posters can tell you that if one factor is present then the outcome will be something specific.
For the avoidance of doubt if he earns less than you it does not mean to say that he will get 60% of the equity.
Look at s25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 for the list of factors the court takes into account. Add to that 40 years of evolving case law that interprets the Act, and you'll see that just because you've seen what's happened in a friend's divorce doesn't mean you can dispense advice as seen above on other's divorces.

Take some proper legal advice. Don't be influenced by what is above. It's wrong and therefore dangerous.

Original poster
Noregrets78 · 06/10/2013 11:21

voodoo I can't sell the house without his permission and won't agree unless I agree to giving him 100% of the equity. Moving in a boyfriend would be a very dangerous move.

collaborate It's OK, I know not to take advice on a forum at face value. There are all sorts of complicating factors which I've not included, so I'm aware any comments are also based on half of a story. i have a great solicitor, and that's where I go to primarily for advice. Unfortunately I can't afford to ask them every question which occurs to me! I use this more for a pointer in the right direction / avenues to pursue / questions I should be thinking about. Thanks though - I also worry that some might use this board as an alternative.

OP posts:
Collaborate · 06/10/2013 12:18

STIDW's post is sound. You should reconsider an occupation order. It's less draconian to keep someone out of a house than it is to turf someone out.

Original poster
Noregrets78 · 06/10/2013 14:01

collaborate thanks I'll raise it again with my solicitor. It seems such an expensive thing to do when he should just see sense, but I think it would really help my sanity.

OP posts: