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Original poster

A moral dilemma

56 replies

fishunicycle · 01/09/2013 11:35

Hello,
This is my 1st post on here and I believe it to be a very tricky one, so I'm after some considered advice.

A friend of a friend works for the police in the role of child protection.
This person regularly deals with child protection issues and is responsible for advising people on the phone about such things and escalating them as required.
This person is passionate about their job and evangelises about the "scum they have to deal with".

All good so far... here's the rub:
This person has a daughter and this daughter is under the legal age of consent.
This person recently found out that the daughter had a boyfriend of 17yrs with whom she was sexually active.
They let the daughter continue with the sexual liaison (which I think has become long term) and is aware that they sleep together in their own family home.
The girls boyfriend has now admitted that he is 19, not 17.
This does not seem to bother the parent that works in CP.
People have tried to convince this person that this is wrong and double standards and illegal.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Liara · 01/09/2013 21:14

This person is doing what he/she considers to be the best for their child. They know their child better than you do, and are obviously aware of the legal ins and outs of the situation.

Stay out of it.

NomNomDePlum · 01/09/2013 21:17

it's not a moral dilemma for you. it's none of your business.

hth.

SauvignonBlanche · 01/09/2013 21:20

You clearly know nothing about the situation, you don't even know the child's age.

Bowlersarm · 01/09/2013 21:20

I think you need to know what her actual age is, before you go any further. You are unsure whether she is 13 or 14. Could she in fact be 15 or 16?

I would imagine, if her father is in the job you say he is, then he will be very careful about not being wrong in the eyes of the law. Ie he will know that there is nothing untoward he could be accountable for.

I was told recently, that a 15 year old girl having sex with her teenage boyfriend would not raise any sort of concern, to the police. Maybe a much older man, but not a teenager.

Maybe an MNer may know more about that?

Which is why I think you should make sure of the fact of her age first.

Methe · 01/09/2013 21:22

Mind your own.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/09/2013 21:25

I would make a call to SS

I think a 19 year old raping a child is all of our business. If indeed she is a child.

waltermittymissus · 01/09/2013 21:28

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe here.

This is a 13 year old having sex with a 19 year old?

I'm not sure that someone whose aware of the situation should just be minding her own business.

Bowlersarm · 01/09/2013 21:29

Also OP, you are sounding quite superior about a family you really don't know well.

You say the girl and her boyfriend were having sex before her parents found out? If her parents didn't allow them to have sex in the safety of her own home, they could be shagging in all sorts of unsafe, unsecure places.

The girl will hardly stop having sex with her boyfriend because of your interference. She'll just resort to doing it elsewhere.

Original poster
fishunicycle · 02/09/2013 07:10

I'm in agreement with the principle of providing a safe place to have sex for my daughter - at least then you can keep some sort of eye on what is going on.
If my 14 year old daughter was having sex with a 19 year old I would go nuts with the adult. (That's what he is - an adult at 19 in the eyes of the law). I would threaten to report him to the police myself.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 02/09/2013 07:16

13/14 is way too young to be having a sexual relationship with a 19 year old.
Have you had any sort of chat with the girls parents.
Maybe they feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

exoticfruits · 02/09/2013 07:22

We don't even know if she is 13/14yrs- perhaps she is 15yrs. The boyfriend is obviously young for his age if they took him for 17 yrs to start with.
I would just stay out of it.

KatyPutTheCuttleOn · 02/09/2013 07:26

Keep out of it. You don't know all the details and, frankly, it is none of your business. It could easily be a case of 'better the devil you know' as she may be hell bent on having sex with this young man regardless and it's perhaps been judged to be better if she is allowed to do so in the family home than elsewhere for reasons that you don't know and are nothing to do with you.

exoticfruits · 02/09/2013 07:39

The whole of OP seems to be to do with the hypocrisy of the parent rather than the child. The exact age if the child isn't even known.

lljkk · 02/09/2013 07:52

I would be in a quandry about this, too.
Going against the grain, historically human females became sexually active (very willingly) from puberty, so certainly age 13-14 was normal. Biologically, culturally, socially normal among well-nourished humans. Up until about 150 yrs ago. I have a 14yo getting married in my family tree. 13-14 is still normal marriage age in much of the world, and the groom can be any age over puberty, too. So I don't think it makes the 19yo into a creep.

When I was about 12 I had a 13yo friend with a 19yo boyfriend. They seemed happy together.

But socially & culturally it's abhorrent HERE and NOW.

I think I would mind my own business but have a very suspect opinion of the parents.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits · 02/09/2013 07:58

Really surprised with the "stay out of it" opinion by a few people, usually followed by - you don't know family circumstances-the couple might end up having sex in unsafe places-break up family...
This child has been having sex with an adult, for a while (if they were 13-14 now ,could that be 12-13 when it started? Does that really matter?
Evidence is 14 year old having sex with 19 year old. Sounds like grooming and collusion by family to me.
What do we feel about that?
I know what I would do.

exoticfruits · 02/09/2013 08:20

People seem to be assuming that the 19yr old is an adult grooming- not very immature themselves.
A friend of mine was admittedly 16yrs, but she had a boyfriend of 24yrs which caused no end of grief with her parents which all looks pretty silly now that they have been married for 40 yrs, have 2 highly successful, professional DDs and grandchildren. They were in love, and have been ever since- it was nothing to do with grooming.
Does OP even know for sure that she is only 14yrs?

prh47bridge · 02/09/2013 12:17

Ages are everything here.

If she is 14 or 15 and he is under 18 an offence is being committed but under current CPS guidelines he is unlikely to be prosecuted unless there are aggravating factors, e.g. he is in a position of trust with respect to the girl. If he is 19 he is more likely to face prosecution but the sentence may be relatively light if she is 15 and/or he is immature for his age. If she is under 13 the offence is more serious.

As it seems we don't know the ages for certain it is by no means clear that the parent is being inconsistent.

millymolls · 02/09/2013 12:24

i just think this is a v tricky and emotive subject. I started having sex with my boyfriend when i was 14 and he was 18. I was not cooerced into it, did not feel under pressure at all and it was something i wanted to do (of course i had my niave teenage head on!) 20 years ago grooming was not something anyone really had heard of (no internet/ facebook etch then anyway)
My parents were not happy - at all!. BUT my mum knew she couldn;t stop me and actualy was far more concerned about me not getting pregnant or catching an STI. At no point did she condone it but basically accepted that it was going to happen. In the end the relationship fizzled out and actually i became very close to my mum who supported me (begrudingly) This was many many years ago.

I just think you need to make 100% sure you have all the facts straight first before you even think about reporting this and not even knowing the age of the girl and circumstances involved is not off to a great start.

Original poster
fishunicycle · 02/09/2013 20:18

Okay, I have done some asking and have firmly established facts:
Child is 14.
Adult is 19 - not immature.
They have been seeing each other for approximately 6 months.
They have been having sexual contact for some time.
Both parents work for local authorities in position of great trust.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 02/09/2013 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 02/09/2013 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 02/09/2013 20:30

I think it's weird as well TSC.

OP you've asked people's opinions. Now you need to make up your own mind. Do what you want to do.

Personally, I don't think you'll get very far. They are both teenagers. It won't be considered a big issue.

Conina · 02/09/2013 20:39

Well here's the thing... I'm not sure how you would stop it without damaging the parent-child relationship irreparably which I think is more important in terms of safeguarding a girl of this age.

For myself at thirteen / fourteen, it would have utterly utterly destroyed my relationship with my parents and I would have been self destructively determined to continue such a relationship had my parents stepped in; I was seeing someone much older. However, our relationship was conducted in his parents house with his mum there or in my house with my parents there and as a result, I would be sat drinking cups of tea on a Friday night and then having a snog. My friends at school meanwhile were out drinking on a Friday, getting totally out of it, and doing things with boys in bushes that you certainly couldn't do in the time of an ad break in the middle of corrie with your mum down the corridor.

I'm not saying that its right. I'm not saying that its right for this girl, but it might not be wrong either. There are lots of girls who are damaged from relationships at this age but also lots who aren't. From what you've said, this relationship isn't happening in secret and I think it would be far worse if it was.

Personally, I wouldn't report this - the parents are involved and I cannot see any positive outcome whatsoever from third party intervention. You might not like their choices. But it doesn't sound like they are unaware. It doesn't sound like they are naive or ignorant of what can happen in these circumstances. They have to deal with what is actually happening and it sounds like they are.

exoticfruits · 02/09/2013 21:19

You seem more concerned that the parents are in positions of great trust than anything else. I'm sure it has no bearing on how they do their jobs.
If you are concerned about the girl then I don't see why her parent's jobs are relevant.

lljkk · 03/09/2013 10:21

I think it's highly relevant what jobs they do. Confused

Imagine a teacher whose child was caught selling essays for fellow pupils' coursework, and the teacher knew about it but saw it as enterprise not teaching. Or an RSPCA chief Exec whose husband was a puppy farmer. A Chief Constable or Politician who not just ignored but even condoned own child's illegal drug taking or sexual activity. This shit is happening in their own household.

Like I said, I don't think I could ruin their lives over it, but I would think very badly of them for it.

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