Husband wants solicitors arrangement for a 50/50 agreement if we divorce......should I agree

[P35]

Advice please, my husband wants me to go to a solicitors and agree to a 50/50 split if we divorce. I had an affair and he thinks it's only fair that he gets them 50% of the time as I have been unfaithful. Kids are 7 & 5. Advice please??

Contact can only be flexible if you are both civil to each other and are able to negotiate amicably. Therefore in the OPs position I would not be signing anything. You can specify in a court agreement that flexibility is required of both parties (I have this) but it doesn't mean that it will happen.

So what's being suggested is that the kids arrangements are determined by old fashioned notions of apportioning blame over the breakdown of a marriage? Some people are just plain weird.

I wouldn't agree to it. I personally think a child should have one home. Preferably with the main carer (SAHM/SAHD). 50/50 may work for some people who did half of everything. I think it can be more about possession than what is best for the kids. Dispute it.

NO, but if I was the husband & faced seeing my children eow because my wife had an affair I would feel hard done by!

Personally, I think 50/50 is best IF it can be arranged

No. Contact and residency are never decided on the basis of whose fault it is that a marriage broke up.

OP - are you a sahm? The courts will generally look at a 'continuation of care' for the dc - ie to keep life as stable as possible, and keep their care as similar to their 'pre-break-up' lives as possible - whilst maintaining contact with both parents.

If you are the children's main carer now, then you shouldn't agree to 50-50. If your dh does 50% of the childcare now - ie you both work FT and he does the same amount of childcare as you, then 50-50 could possibly be considered.

However, speaking from my own experience as a child of divorced parents, I would have hated 50-50 care. I lived with my mum and saw dad on Sundays. I definitely benefitted from having one stable home, and visits to my father. My father was a workaholic, and had 50-50 been agreed, our care would have been done by my stepmother and I would have been miserable.

This is not about your dh's rights, or about whose 'fault' anything is. It's about what's best for your children.

Don't agree to anything without seeing a solicitor. Don't be talked into anything just because you feel guilty about your affair I was and it's the only part of leaving that I regret
Look at the best way of ensuring continuity of care for your children and a relationship with BOTH of their parents. Yes, it is tough and yes, it hurts and yes, it involves compromise but make sure that includes him compromising as well as you can you tell i'm bitter about a mean, vindictive, spiteful, controlling xh?

We are still living together and trying to work things out without separating. I am the children's main carer and gave up work 7 years ago to raise them. I will be working from January (self employed) so we will be sharing the childcare more anyway. We can all judge on the fact I had an affair (not something that I am proud of), I just want what is best for 2 innocent young children. I am not going to be bullied into signing something that my children may never forgive me for! I have offered 50:50 verbally (yes I agree why should he lose them....he didn't have an affair), he wants a legal document to hold me to it.

Who did what to whom and how many times makes absolutely no difference the the split of assets or the sharing of the children. The courts paramount concern is the welfare of the children and that is the only thing that the OP and her husband should be considering. If the OP is a SAHM and her DH works, then clearly, the most sensible thing is that she is the parent with day to day care of the children and her H having reasonable contact with them in the event of a divorce or separation.

OP, do not sign anything.

The legal document would be worth diddly squat, tell him. What's important is establishing some sort of routine now that can carry on if/when you split up with minimal disruption to your children.

There is nothing wrong with shared care 50:50 per se but children have different needs so there is no one arrangement that suits all families. Sometimes different arrangements suit children at different stages. Very young children may find being away from a parent for a long period difficult. GIven the opportunity primary aged children may cope well with 50:50 shared care when they spend alternate weeks with each parent. That is more settled and there are fewer handovers than changing every few days. Teenagers often prefer to have one base.

However the arrangements are for the benefit of the individual child, not to punish parents. Just because someone had an affair does not "entitle" the other parent to put their interests before the child's welfare.