Advice wanted please, we're talking divorce :(

[ChangeAfoot]

Feeling nervous about posting at all about this - have name-changed for the occasion.

H and I are discussing divorce. He tells me that "what would happen" were we to split is that we would sell the family home, both buy flats capable of housing our two children (both pre-school age), and then have shared custody. He very much wants shared custody; I do not. At the moment there is a sizeable chunk of equity in the house, we have been married 3 years; together for 10. I haven't worked since the children were born (we moved abroad when I was pregnant for his work and have only recently returned). I am very keen to get back to work but being realistic this will have to be in a new area or at a much lower level - my work is completely unworkable with children as I often worked away from home and doing crazy hours (freelance).

THe house is not in my name, it was bought using some money H received.

My two main fears are that he stands a chance of getting joint custody, and that we would have to sell the house and get two flats. I know I need to go and see a family lawyer, am going to set about researching and making an appointment. But in the meantime can someone shed light on what might happen in this instance? He's a hands-on dad but has always worked full-time and frankly hasn't ever bought an item of clothing and barely made them a meal since they were born... ... will I lose my kids to this extent? :(

[ChangeAfoot]

PS: good tip re. asking sols what they'd say to ex.

[RedHelenB]

I'm not meaning to make you feel nervous but it also doesn't pay to bury your head in the sand & think things will go on financially as they always have done. But with that amount of equity between you you should both be able to be housed.

[LifeinBlue]

change I am not a lawyer. I don't have much practical advice to offer (except every other weekend and one visit midweek is normal with everyone I know who's divorced).

But I'm in a similar position. Terribly unhappy in my marriage and my dh sounds very similar to yours. We haven't talked about separating. Like you, the emotional and financial costs would be huge.

I think you've had some good and kind advice on here (and one or two ridiculously unhelpful comments which I hope you can ignore).

Anyway, you have my heartfelt sympathies.

[kirsty75005]

@Change. I am not a lawyer and I'm not going to comment on anything legal. I'm not even going to comment on the divorce, I'm going to try and see your husband's desire to downsize from his point of view.

If I had a friend who was working very long hours in a stressful but very highly-paid job, who had mental health problems linked to the job, who didn't get to see much of their children, whose wife didn't work and who owned outright (assuming a 50-50 split) at least 300,000 pounds of equity, and that friend asked me for advice, I would say the following :

"Get the hell out of that job, it's killing you, and you don't need it. You are very wealthy and you could take a big pay cut and still provide reasonably for your family, especially if your wife took on a bit of part time work. I know families with a perfectly reasonable standard of living in London with less than half your income, and once a reasonable standard of living is assured, less stress and more time with parents is much more important to kids than more material goods. You will never get back the time for your children or yourself that you are missing out on now."

I understand that you're angry because marriage break-ups are hard, and he has certainly behaved badly at points, hence you're tending to see all his decisions as an attack on you, or a strategy to hurt you; and that's understandable - but from an outsider's point of view, downsizing sounds like right thing for him. I don't think you should assume that he's doing it to hurt you because of the divorce. It sounds more as if the two decisions (divorcing and downsizing) go together because the problems with the job and the problems with the marriage are closely intertwined.

[kirsty75005]

@change. If you as a couple have at least 600K of equity, and he's currently on 150-250K, how stretched can you be, even if he takes a big pay cut ? Suppose he went down to half of that, that would still make him a very high earner. (It's a genuine question, I don't live in London, maybe I'm being unreasonable, but the figures on this thread look like megabucks to me. I understand that it's really hard to have a big fall in standard of living, but you are so far above the breadline, are you really not going to be able to manage after a fall ? )

[ChangeAfoot]

Thank you LifeinBlue and commiserations that you think your marriage might be heading the same way.

kirsty - and this is why I posted this in Legal Matters rather than AIBU or similar. I'm not interested in comparisons or in being made to feel "greedy" by wanting anything other than living vaguely above the breadline. I am not interested in insinuation that I am somehow wanting my H to kill himself in a stressful job rather than "downsize" and be a more hands-on parent. I am interested in minimal disruption for my children, I am interested in preserving my and our financial future as much as should be expected in lieu of my marriage and H's status as their father.

[MOSagain]

Indeed changeafoot of course that is why you posted in legal.

Sadly, for every qualified family lawyer that posts on these threads there are about 10 posters that do not have legal qualifications. Many post from their own personal experiences and these can be extremely helpful. However, sadly some give incorrect and bad advice and I've seen one particular poster time and time again give advice which is illegal.

I'm glad you have contacted some family lawyers and hope that you find one that you are happy with. In the meantime, I hope that you can continue to get advice and support on here.

[toosoppyforwords]

I'm not going to make suggestions as to what i think is fair and reasonable - its certainly not my place to do so. I think what some posters are eluding to is that unless you are very wealthy (and i'm talking big bucks here) 2 households are more expensive to run than living as one family and for that reason more often than not the status quo cannot be maintained (at least not long term) and a drop in living standards is inevitable for both parties. WHile you naturally dont want a drop in standards, neither will your husband

For that reason whilst it is understandable that you wish to maintain your current standard of living, and want to stay in the family home and want custody of your children, it might not be possible in the eyes of the legal system and courts to achieve that. Only yours and your husbands solicitors can argue and agree that. Of course when you are together you make decisions to the best of your family which sometimes simply have to change if circumstances do such as family break up.

Only your solicitor can advise what is realistic or not. Just a word of caution - while your solicitor will be saying that you are in a good position and likely to get x and y, your husbands solicitor will be telling him the opposite most likely. I have seen situations where wives have rejected every offer made to them and have ended up with less once it gets to court.

I would just tread carefully and give things full consideration with advice from your legal person

[toosoppyforwords]

I have also seen situations where Husbands HAVE resigned from well paid jobs and taken on part time work etc. SOme of these were to avoid maintenance, some was genuinely due to stress and wanting career changes and more quality time as a father, others were most definitely to spite the ex wife and cause problems. I hope your husband doesn't turn out to be in that category.
THe only other word of caution i would say is to give offers full and fair consideration. I know of many situations where the wife has rejected offers, only to then be awarded less once it gets to court. Obviously take proper legal advice on that but dont necessarily assume you can always get more

I think it is vey early days and hopefully you and your husband will get to a point of general ageement without turning it into a massive fight which is expensive and emotionally draining.

Good luck

[ChangeAfoot]

Are you a family lawyer toosoppy? (Sorry if you've said and I missed it ) Don't worry, I'm not stupid enough to think there won't be a change in circumstances - for one thing I know I now need to get back to work rather than it being a gradual movement in that direction. I'm not bothered about most material goods and we don't live an extravagant life by many people's standards. But we do live in London, which is expensive to buy in. And I currently have no income and almost no mortgage capacity. (As a matter of interest, two of the three reasons you cite that you've seen husbands downsize for their jobs sound to me as though they were to spite the wife; not just the third!)

MOS - thanks once again, and for the PMs - it's all very much appreciated.

[kirsty75005]

@Change. I'm sorry I hurt you at a difficult time : I didn't mean to. I didn't say you were greedy, and for what's it worth, I didn't think it either, I'm very sorry if you thought that was what I was saying because I can well understand how hurtful it would be. I just thought he might not be talking about leaving his job as a way of getting at you, and didn't think enough about your situation before posting why I thought he might be genuine. Probably I was wrong to post.